inside my heart

hap·py (hāp'ē)
Characterized by good luck; fortunate.
Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.
Being especially well-adapted; felicitous:



its dark. everyone is sleeping. except for me...
three o'clock in the morning and there i am.
yet again. my mind whirling.
the tears falling onto my pillow.
asking yet again:
when do i get to be happy?

there are many less fortuanate than i.
yet my heart tells me i have been unlucky.
i am not satisified. i do not sing of joy.
begging for a more enjoyable life... i cry.
struggles, past and present, bring me down.
i am losing the battle.

last night a temptation arose.
appealing, as i remembered its' comfort.
[being able to control the pain]
oh stranger, it has been so long.
and from you i will continue to run.
your proposal spells disaster.

my fingers tightly grasp a fraying strand.
hope that seems to be running out.
i promise i will try - to keep my head above water.
but sometimes my arms begin to tire.
and then i sink, until You pull me up and say:

I created you. I love you. I forgive you.