the end of a long chapter

it is something you think about for years, something you think will never come...
graduating from high school. and then one day, its within your sight and suddenly there is a mix of emotions. the excitement and anticipation you've felt for so long is now mixed with sadness and moments you will never have again.

things are about to change. my life will never be the same. i will never walk down the halls of my high school again, seeing familiar faces, and faces i've seen time and time again but don't really know. the classrooms i've been in for the last four years, the teachers i've gotten to know... will no longer be a part of my daily routine. the parties on the weekends with the people i've known for years... and those i just started to talk to will be soon gone. we will never again have a "senior party" with all of our closest friends.

its just weird. i'm so excited to go to college. to be rid of the high school bullshit and the drama. to be able to meet new people and have some control over who i want to see on a daily basis. to start a new experience and continue to grow up and become my own person. but its just one of those bittersweet experiences that is hard to explain, and hard to decipher how i feel about it. i'm very happy and sad at the same time and its just so stressful!!

well we'll see what the future brings... hopefully its good. :)

confusion

there are so many thoughts going through my head all the time... i don't know what to do with them, how to sort them out. its unbelievable how quickly my mood can change. i can be smiling, doing fine, and the next moment i feel like i'm going to start crying without the ability to stop. i know grieving is suppossed to be difficult and confusing, but sometimes its so much to handle. i never know when its going to hit me... what small thing will hit the wrong chord. it can be something as simple as a phrase, or a beautiful as a song. when i let my mind wander, it often goes to that place... and i fight it off. if i have control over it, i don't think about it. its too hard, and the amount of stress and strength it takes out of me is sometimes too much to bear.
i apologize for taking it out on the people around me... i know they don't deserve my wrath, and that my mood swings are sometimes not fun to deal with. but sometimes i just can't help it, and for that i'm sorry. this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through and how i'm suppossed to deal with it is still a mystery to me. my life is no longer the same... because of that and so many other things and the monstrous changes that have taken place lately are overwhelming.

i hope someday this gets a little easier.

because right now... this sucks.