confusion

there are so many thoughts going through my head all the time... i don't know what to do with them, how to sort them out. its unbelievable how quickly my mood can change. i can be smiling, doing fine, and the next moment i feel like i'm going to start crying without the ability to stop. i know grieving is suppossed to be difficult and confusing, but sometimes its so much to handle. i never know when its going to hit me... what small thing will hit the wrong chord. it can be something as simple as a phrase, or a beautiful as a song. when i let my mind wander, it often goes to that place... and i fight it off. if i have control over it, i don't think about it. its too hard, and the amount of stress and strength it takes out of me is sometimes too much to bear.
i apologize for taking it out on the people around me... i know they don't deserve my wrath, and that my mood swings are sometimes not fun to deal with. but sometimes i just can't help it, and for that i'm sorry. this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through and how i'm suppossed to deal with it is still a mystery to me. my life is no longer the same... because of that and so many other things and the monstrous changes that have taken place lately are overwhelming.

i hope someday this gets a little easier.

because right now... this sucks.