days like this.

give me a day like this. the ones in our favorite photographs. the ones where we were happy, and young, and invicible. give me a day like this. the ones where we shine. our cheeks stretched from laughing. our eyes glowing with something rare. you can't capture it. you can't take it away. this can't be repeated simply on desire alone. days like this can't be wished for. they just happen. they happen, and in a fleeting moment they are gone. quick as the setting sun. a brief moment of clarity in the midst of our chaotic world. beauty that is remembered. only, remembered. always, remembered.

give me a day like this. i will not let go of you. i will hold you. together we can imprint this feeling on hearts and on hands. burn this memory in your mind. take a snapshot. when time has passed and love has faded, it will spark again what we felt here. on a day like this. the sun doesn't have to shine. the wind can blow. the world around us can feel dreary and out of control. it doesn't matter. we are alone, here in a moment that pays no attention to time or atmosphere. there are no rules. there are no boundaries. only the desire to feel, to live, to experience. here it's not too late. other days fade away, but this will never feel the same.

one singular lifetime, made up of an expanse of days, stretched out to configure a set of goals or relationships or experiences. thousands upon thousands of, days. and how many are days like this. the days you want to carefully pluck out of a timeline, to place in a little box, to be kept forever. to be opened again when you need a reminder of what it feels like to be wanted. a reminder of what it feels like to belong. a reminder of what it's like to forget everything else in the world and simply, be.

give me a day like this. show me again what it's like not to be alone. what it's like to feel loved and appreciated. give me the carefree attitude of a child, and the innocence and curiousity that accompanies it. give me a day like this. where being who i am is enough. surrounded by the ones who love me - raw and exposed. with truth and sincerity. give me a day like this. i want to float away for a moment, float on to something beyond the mundane. float on simplicity and dance on the natural, stripped from frills and falsehoods.

give me a day like this. i just want to be sure of you. come with me?

dreams or nightmares?

I think I've forgotten about you. And then, you show up in my dreams. Even there you let me down. Even there you leave me. You leave, and you don't come back. Why would you when you have her? Give me a taste and then let me alone. Always, alone. Dreaming of the way we were or never had the chance to be. Remembering things you said. Remembering promises you made. Remembering the way you made me feel and the hole you gave me when you walked away. I feel pathetic you know. The way I still miss you. Even then you deprive me of feeling. Making me feel guilty for caring this much. Because, it's obvious you never did.

You're all the same. Ignite my heart with your charm. Falling I go for your false promises. Pretend you are going to give me the world. Make believe we will live, happily, forever, or something of the sort. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work? Well, time has told me I'm not good enough to stick around for. I'm the girl you manipulate. I'm the girl you use to find your way. I'm the girl you want until you find the one you need. Next time, could you give me a sign?

I think about the things you said to me. They try to disrupt the happiness I have found again. They get in the cracks of normalcy and dare me to break down. They taunt me. They haunt me. They won't let me alone. Not like you did. It would be foolish to believe someone as wonderful as you could just disappear completely. You left a mark, boy. You branded me. You left a scar. Glazed over and starting to fade, but still visible to the looking eye. Eyes that tear at nothing because they're used to it. Because, crying is a part of who I am. Numb would be better. Still containing the capacity to feel, to feel this deep, must mean there is something left here. Here in this sewn up heart.

I hope he comes before they're gone. The pieces that aren't tainted. The pieces that still want to love. Those parts are growing smaller and I fear one day I will lose them. I'll lose them and never know what its like to fall for someone who vows to catch me. Who vows to catch me and follows through. Who takes over my dreams. Who infiltrates my thoughts. Who makes me believe in trusting again.

I want to lose the fear. I want to lose the nightmare. But, you, you won't let me.

I am.

I'm more complicated than you think. But, I'm also just a girl. Hoping someday to find a boy. To feel something I've never felt before. I'm just me.

I eat peanut butter in spoonfuls. I still sleep with the teddy bear I got when I was born. In case you're wondering, his name is Bear Bear. I hold him every night. Because, no one is here to hold me. I love almost every genre of music. Yes, my favorites fall under the Iron & Wine/ The Weepies / Mumford & Sons / Angus & Julia Stone - ish category. But, I always love Justin Bieber. and Miley Cyrus. and Taylor Swift. So, shoot me. I'm addicted to coffee. I blame it on my mom allowing me to have a latte every morning my junior and senior year of high school. Old habits die hard. I have a fear of commitment. My friends tell me I'm small/skinny/what have you. I know I'm not fat, but some days I feel so fat I can hardly stand it. Everyone is entitled to have self-image issues. Even me.

I write because I have to. Not because I think anyone cares. I like to read for fun. Being an English major is killing that. Sometimes, I think it's killing my creativity too. I love my family. I appreciate them more when I'm away from them. So much that it hurts. I love taking pictures. I wish I was better at it. I want to get good at playing guitar. I miss singing. I miss singing for people. I miss the people who used to call. Or at least, call me back. College brings you new friends. Great friends. But, some of the old ones just can't be replaced. I love running. I love running in the rain. In high school, I would never go on sports bra runs. Now, I could care less. Nine in the morning is still too early. Night is my friend.

At home, I'm a beer girl. Here, I pick wine up from the liquor store. Maybe it feels classier. Maybe it's about the calorie thing. Maybe I just like it. I love tuna. Someone once told me it contains a lot of mercury. Mercury is bad when you're pregnant. I better find a new favorite food before that day comes. I like cuddling on couches. During movies. Watching the stars. I hate cuddling in bed. Every day, God amazes me. I love God. I try to live for Him. I want to live for Him. Often, I fail miserably. I will always love snail mail. There's something about opening a card that's personal and real. I love the color black. No, I'm not emo.

I wonder what would happen if I died tomorrow. What heaven is like. How awesome it would be to see God and lost loved ones. I think about people I would leave behind. I think about what those people would make of the things I write - things that no one has ever seen. When I die, I want Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice to be played at my funeral. I love roses. No matter how cliche that is. I'm a hopeless romantic. Probably always will be. Cheesy things get to me, as long as they're not overdone. Too much makes it cheap. Genuine sweetness is better enjoyed in bits.

I'm messy to an extent. I let things pile up to the point when I can't handle it anymore. And then, I have a relaxing and refreshing cleaning session. I feel like it's more rewarding when you can see a huge difference between the beginning and the end. Hopefully that attitude will change before I get married. If, I get married. I'm stubborn. I like to figure things out on my own. I love the outdoors. I have to live somewhere close to mountains and forests and rivers. I have to live where God's beauty is laid out like a picture. Not clouded by buildings and endless noise. I want to be free.

I graduate in less than seven months and I have no idea what I am going to do. I have seven months to "grow up" and I think I'm going to end up missing the boat. Maybe try something else. I have so many thoughts going on in my head and I can't control them. How do you choose? Burt's Bees is the best chapstick ever. I normally drive over the speed limit. I want four kids. I hate doing the dishes. Black and white photos are magical. I'm scared of choking to death. I have to wear boy shorts to bed. I want to make a difference. I want to write a book. I want to fall in love.

all you have to do is... listen.

At the end of last semester God put something on my heart. In the middle of a church service about God's calling I heard Him say - Biblical Counseling. Scared, excited, and confused I told only a couple of my closest friends at the time. Asking them to pray as I continued to seek God in this. through this. And, I told my mother, who actually works at a center for Biblical counseling. I went into the summer excited to see what God was going to do in my life. Where the summer was going to take in relation to growing closer to Him and seeking His purpose. To pursue this thought. To seek out counsel and clarfication. To see what this would even mean. I went into the summer needing God. wanting God. seeking God.

But, in the midst of the fire and the thirst for God, came the devil threatening to break apart my passion. To question what I was hearing. To throw hurdles in my way. Pain and broken expectations that made me question what God had been saying to me in the months prior. In the midst of that brokenness I started to lose it. That thirst. That clarity. On one hand, this summer was one of the most spiritual summers I have had since I have started college - thanks to a couple really great girls - but on the other hand, it contained the same temptations and traps that have been enticing me and bringing me down for years. I questioned my self-worth. I made decisions I shouldn't have. And I let my life get in the way of my focus on God. I put people and obligations above the One who mattered. And above searching the answers He was asking me to listen for.

Flash forward. Here I am. Back at school. Broken. Dealing with hurt. And pain. And questions. And once again, trying to understand God's grace, as I begin to pull myself back up to the place I was before. Back at school. Desiring God. More and more. Allowing myself to listen. Making time. And yet, new distractions present themselves... but today in church, I heard that small voice speak again. And while He convicted me of a few other things in my life that need consideration and reevaluation, He also opened my heart again to what He placed there so many months before. Biblical Counseling.

I had gotten a CD from one of the counselors where my mom works this summer - the first CD in the training series for counseling. I had met with him, and talked to him about where my heart was, and had been given the CD to listen to and see where God was taking me through it. Almost three months later, I finally listened. I think it was something I was putting off because I was scared. Or maybe because I wasn't ready to listen. Simple defiance. Or maybe, I really did need to wait until my heart was back in a place where I could recieve what I was going to hear.

God does that. Waits patiently for us to open our hearts to Him. Waits patiently while we make mistakes. Waits patiently while we fill our time with things other than Him. He waits. No matter how long it takes. To get our attention. To prick our hearts. To speak. And when we finally choose to get rid of all the clutter, or at least to take a moment and be silent before Him, He says... Listen. Hear my voice this time. Follow me. Let me show the amazing plan I have for you.

I'm still unsure where I go from here. But, God opened my heart tonight. Through His word. Through His voice. And through that CD. And, whether or not I follow that path, there is something I know now. I want more. Show me more. You have awakened my heart and my spirit and I want you to fill me. With whatever you have to offer. Wherever you lead. Because, You're all I need.

even the good things hurt.

They said it was time to say goodbye. But how do you say goodbye with so many hello's still resonating in your throat? Waiting to be spoken. They said it was time to say goodbye. And, now you are forced to swallow hard. Choke back the hello's you will never get a chance to say. At least, not today.

They said it was time to say goodbye. You hear the words but they don't seem to make sense in your mind. You can still see the face. You can still hear the voice. You can still replay the last conversation you had in your head. Real only yesterday. Yours, a part of you. Now, gone. They said it was time to say goodbye. You listen but you don't react. Not yet.

Once you face the music, you'll introduce a heartbreaking chorus that will never fade...

They tell you to remember the good times. The memories. The laughter. The moments that only you witnessed. The things that no one else knew. The conversations you shared. They tell you to remember the good times. But even the good things hurt. And healing takes time. You've been here before. And it doesn't get easier. Time doesn't heal wounds. Instead, the pain just seems to pile on top of each other until you're sure you'll be buried alive. They tell you to remember the good times. But, how do you do that when you're struggling to simply keep breathing.

They tell you to remember the good times. Easier said than done. And where do you go from here? Every day, from here on out, will never be the same. A piece of you is gone. A part of your identity stripped away without even a reasonable explanation.

Death came. Death came to steal a life. Death won.

They tell you there is more than just this life. Death may have won the battle, but God wins the war. And with the victory He brings to you a purpose. A reason. Even if you can't see it. Even if it doesn't make sense. Even though it's not today, there will still be a hello you have yet to say. God was ready to have His child back in arms. And your time here is not complete.

So live on, and remember this. It's not goodbye. Only, see you later. And hope is not lost. If anything, God has given you more hope than you can ever imagine - the promise of eternal life, forever, joined together with the ones you have lost, the ones you will see again someday.

They said it was time to say goodbye. So say it, for now. Until you meet again.

To be an Agnostic.

Just answer me this: Why do you believe that God exists? What proof is there? Who is to say that your religion, your Christianity, is right? You would believe me if I said invisible Jesus was sitting here next to me, but what about Superman, what about Muhammad, what about Santa Clause? I just want answers. I just want you to give me evidence that tells me God exists. Show me evidence. Show me proof. I'm standing at the door, knocking as hard as I can, and no one answers. I'm seeking, but I'm not finding. I used to know what I believed and now I'm lost somewhere between theology and religion and science, trying to fit together the pieces, to find my place again.

I wish I could show you what I see. Every day when I wake up and realize that I'm still breathing. Or driving towards the Colorado mountains for the millionth time and still staring in awe at what lays before me. Sit with me and stare at the sunrise. Watch two dozen roses bloom before your eyes as they sit in the sun on a six hour drive. Watch children play. Walk into a neverending forest and contemplate all the creatures you can't even see, that you probably don't even know exist. Think of how your legs move and your muscles work without even a command. Stare into the face of someone you love and then tell me: How can there not be a God?

I live for myself. And the people around me. I live for my girlfriend. And my dog. And my job. And my family. I live to be happy and to make an impact on those around me. I live to seek the truth. I live to seek answers. To be compassionate. To care. I live because I'm here. And when my life ends, that will be it. I will cease to exist. I will die and that will be all. No soul. No afterlife. No pain. Just a life well lived. And people will think of me, from time to time. But eventually I will be forgotten. And all that I was will cease to be. And, that's okay with me. You could live for a God your whole life, but if you're wrong. Then what was the point?

I live everyday of my life trying to figure out something new. I live for me. I live for the people around me. I live for my family. I live for my aspirations and goals. But, most of all, I live for God. Because God is the one who has taken care of everything in my life. God is the one who saves me when I don't deserve it. God is the one who has shown me what it means to love, to forgive, to care. At the end of the day, when no one else is there to hold my hand, and the rest of the world has decided to continue on with their own selfish desires... God is always there. I will never regret living my life for a Creator who has filled me with complete happiness and joy, who has shed light on my darkness, and who has healed my brokenness. If, at the end of my life, I was wrong... I will still know that I lived a full and complete life centered on someone other than myself. For a purpose - to follow, to serve, to surrender, to trust, to praise - no matter what. And, not for anyone else. Only for Him. Because, I'm not wrong.

Christianity is full of rules and regulations centered around a bunch of institutions that often times want nothing more than to just make money. To better their own causes. To build bigger churches. To get new equipment. Is it even to better the people? I won't deny that Christianity does things for people. It gives them a reason to hope. It gives them happiness. It gives them motivation and it makes them feel good about themselves. Religion doesn't stand for the things that world hates, so in that regard, I guess it's an okay thing. But, does that make it right? All the rules. All the hypocrisy. All the criticism. All the - you can do this, but don't do that. A lot of those institutions are wrong. A lot of those institutions don't even line up, so where is the truth?

The truth is this. God is eternal. He exists in and of Himself. He was there in the beginning of everything. God is the ultimate reality. Without Him, there is no truth. He is in complete control. He brings life out of chaos and despair, and He deals with darkness in a personal way. The rules and regulations are not important. That's not what it's about. It's not about religion, and it's not about an institution. It's about a full on relationship with God - one on one. We were created to worship God. And we grow as individuals by seeing God who is. He sent Jesus to the Earth to experience separation from Him so that we would never have to. Ask questions. Dive in. Dig deep. But ultimately, live by faith. It's not about seeing to believe, it's about trusting in what we cannot see, trusting that God is more real than anything else we will ever encounter.

I walk alone. Without a god. Just trying to figure out what it all means, just trying to find the answers. Will I ever get there?

In the beginning, the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. He was the source of life, and that life was the light for humanity... never to be put out.

It's You.

Turn me around. Pick me up. Undo what I've become. Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace. I need you. I need your help. I can't do this myself. You're the only one who can undo what I've become.

I have a secret. (or two). I can't tell you. I can't bring myself to speak it aloud. I can't even write it down. I've tried. And, I will keep trying. One day, I will speak the truth. Even if it is only to myself. Even if it is only the blank pages who hear it. And then maybe, someday, someone will find it. Someone will read it. And it won't have to be a secret anymore. I'll have to face it. But, not today. Today I am still the girl who has one (or a few) secrets. Trying to take steps toward the only one who knows. Who may ever know.

And, it's comforting. To know that God knows. That He hears the things I leave unsaid. That He reads between the lines in my journal. That He can see into my heart. Because, without saying anything, I say everything. And, He hears it all... as He reaches out His hand to bring me back into His arms. Sometimes, I try to ignore it and fight it. But, at the end of the day, when all you really want is someone... knowing the someone of all someone's is holding you in His arms is pretty hard to resist.

this is morning.

I normally wake up at the last possible minute, so as not to give up any of my precious sleep time. I swear I could sleep all day... nestled in the warm little corner of my bed, the beep of my alarm clock is like a wake-up call to reality that I don't want to answer. But, I decided to do things differently this morning. Wake up a little earlier. And instead of rushing to get coffee from Starbucks on the way to class, I made my own. And now I have a half hour to spare and I am sitting upright in my cozy little bed, large cup of coffee in hand and raisin toast by my side. I've said it all before, but I'll say it again. Life is about the little things. Moments like these. Enjoying a few simplicities of life, and just taking the time to breathe. I've been trying to do that a lot lately. Just breathe. Always, breathe.

There are always obligations - assignments and things you should be doing, things you could be doing, but in reality, they always get done. Even if it is at the last minute, even if they don't get done ahead of time. I'm going to be responsible but I'm also going to live my life and enjoy it. It's my last year of college. Reality check! And more than just the potential of a real job and "growing up" - moving away to wherever that may entail, I realize the end of something else is drawing near. More than just the end of my days in the education system. This is my last year to enjoy the college life - living with other people, doing random things at the spur of the moment, staying up too late and sleeping in too late, just because you can. Ordering pizza at ten. Running to get a movie when homework should be done. Going out and acting crazy. Because, you're a student, and it's not time to grow up yet. At least - not completely.

I love my friends. Already in the past three weeks I have been realizing how amazing God is by placing me here. I can't imagine still being in Mankato, Minnesota. Sure - there are people I miss, certain aspects. But, on a whole, nothing like it is here. My friends are amazing people. I am so blessed to have met godly Christian girls who can share in the serious things of life, and at the same time, are up for being a little irresponsible from time to time. And everything is so close! This weekend we went to Fort Collins two nights in a row. And then, Sunday, when I should have been doing my homework - my roomie Ruth and I hopped in the car and headed to Boulder for a hike. How awesome is that!? Mountains to climb less than an hour away. I'm in love. : )

And so I sit here, now enjoying my second cup of coffee, and thanking God for all the blessings He has given me. With my eyes set on Him, I am ready to see what this year has in store, as well as, where I will be heading in the future. I am blessed. I am happy. I am a child of God. And starting more often - I'm going to try and enjoy what the mornings have to bring!