dreams or nightmares?

I think I've forgotten about you. And then, you show up in my dreams. Even there you let me down. Even there you leave me. You leave, and you don't come back. Why would you when you have her? Give me a taste and then let me alone. Always, alone. Dreaming of the way we were or never had the chance to be. Remembering things you said. Remembering promises you made. Remembering the way you made me feel and the hole you gave me when you walked away. I feel pathetic you know. The way I still miss you. Even then you deprive me of feeling. Making me feel guilty for caring this much. Because, it's obvious you never did.

You're all the same. Ignite my heart with your charm. Falling I go for your false promises. Pretend you are going to give me the world. Make believe we will live, happily, forever, or something of the sort. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work? Well, time has told me I'm not good enough to stick around for. I'm the girl you manipulate. I'm the girl you use to find your way. I'm the girl you want until you find the one you need. Next time, could you give me a sign?

I think about the things you said to me. They try to disrupt the happiness I have found again. They get in the cracks of normalcy and dare me to break down. They taunt me. They haunt me. They won't let me alone. Not like you did. It would be foolish to believe someone as wonderful as you could just disappear completely. You left a mark, boy. You branded me. You left a scar. Glazed over and starting to fade, but still visible to the looking eye. Eyes that tear at nothing because they're used to it. Because, crying is a part of who I am. Numb would be better. Still containing the capacity to feel, to feel this deep, must mean there is something left here. Here in this sewn up heart.

I hope he comes before they're gone. The pieces that aren't tainted. The pieces that still want to love. Those parts are growing smaller and I fear one day I will lose them. I'll lose them and never know what its like to fall for someone who vows to catch me. Who vows to catch me and follows through. Who takes over my dreams. Who infiltrates my thoughts. Who makes me believe in trusting again.

I want to lose the fear. I want to lose the nightmare. But, you, you won't let me.