I am.

I'm more complicated than you think. But, I'm also just a girl. Hoping someday to find a boy. To feel something I've never felt before. I'm just me.

I eat peanut butter in spoonfuls. I still sleep with the teddy bear I got when I was born. In case you're wondering, his name is Bear Bear. I hold him every night. Because, no one is here to hold me. I love almost every genre of music. Yes, my favorites fall under the Iron & Wine/ The Weepies / Mumford & Sons / Angus & Julia Stone - ish category. But, I always love Justin Bieber. and Miley Cyrus. and Taylor Swift. So, shoot me. I'm addicted to coffee. I blame it on my mom allowing me to have a latte every morning my junior and senior year of high school. Old habits die hard. I have a fear of commitment. My friends tell me I'm small/skinny/what have you. I know I'm not fat, but some days I feel so fat I can hardly stand it. Everyone is entitled to have self-image issues. Even me.

I write because I have to. Not because I think anyone cares. I like to read for fun. Being an English major is killing that. Sometimes, I think it's killing my creativity too. I love my family. I appreciate them more when I'm away from them. So much that it hurts. I love taking pictures. I wish I was better at it. I want to get good at playing guitar. I miss singing. I miss singing for people. I miss the people who used to call. Or at least, call me back. College brings you new friends. Great friends. But, some of the old ones just can't be replaced. I love running. I love running in the rain. In high school, I would never go on sports bra runs. Now, I could care less. Nine in the morning is still too early. Night is my friend.

At home, I'm a beer girl. Here, I pick wine up from the liquor store. Maybe it feels classier. Maybe it's about the calorie thing. Maybe I just like it. I love tuna. Someone once told me it contains a lot of mercury. Mercury is bad when you're pregnant. I better find a new favorite food before that day comes. I like cuddling on couches. During movies. Watching the stars. I hate cuddling in bed. Every day, God amazes me. I love God. I try to live for Him. I want to live for Him. Often, I fail miserably. I will always love snail mail. There's something about opening a card that's personal and real. I love the color black. No, I'm not emo.

I wonder what would happen if I died tomorrow. What heaven is like. How awesome it would be to see God and lost loved ones. I think about people I would leave behind. I think about what those people would make of the things I write - things that no one has ever seen. When I die, I want Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice to be played at my funeral. I love roses. No matter how cliche that is. I'm a hopeless romantic. Probably always will be. Cheesy things get to me, as long as they're not overdone. Too much makes it cheap. Genuine sweetness is better enjoyed in bits.

I'm messy to an extent. I let things pile up to the point when I can't handle it anymore. And then, I have a relaxing and refreshing cleaning session. I feel like it's more rewarding when you can see a huge difference between the beginning and the end. Hopefully that attitude will change before I get married. If, I get married. I'm stubborn. I like to figure things out on my own. I love the outdoors. I have to live somewhere close to mountains and forests and rivers. I have to live where God's beauty is laid out like a picture. Not clouded by buildings and endless noise. I want to be free.

I graduate in less than seven months and I have no idea what I am going to do. I have seven months to "grow up" and I think I'm going to end up missing the boat. Maybe try something else. I have so many thoughts going on in my head and I can't control them. How do you choose? Burt's Bees is the best chapstick ever. I normally drive over the speed limit. I want four kids. I hate doing the dishes. Black and white photos are magical. I'm scared of choking to death. I have to wear boy shorts to bed. I want to make a difference. I want to write a book. I want to fall in love.