Psalm 138: 1 - 8
I will give thanks to you with all my heart.
I will make music to praise you in front of false gods.
I will bow toward your holy temple.
I will give thanks to your name because of your mercy and truth.
You have made your name and your promise greater than everything.
When I called, you answered me.
You made me bold by strengthening my soul.
All the kings of the earth will give thanks to you, O Lord,
because they have heard the promises you spoke.
They will sing this about the ways of the Lord:
"The Lord's honor is great!"
Even though the Lord is high above, he sees humble people close up,
and he recognizes arrogant people from a distance.
Even though I walk into the middle of trouble,
you guard my life against the anger of my enemies.
You stretch out your hand,
and your right hand saves me.
The Lord will do everything for me.
O Lord, your mercy endures forever.
Do not let go of what your hands have made.
This week marks the beginning of my second semester of college. Wow, thats scary to think about - crazy to think I've come this far already. I have to say it goes by fast. A lot faster than I thought it would. I think I've changed a little, I mean how can you not when you're surrounded by completely new things and new people. New experiences and responsibilties... well lets just say the possibilities are endless. I think I'm gonna learn a lot this semester. Already from my classes I know I'm gonna be working really hard to accomplish why I'm here. But there is more to life than academics. More like the reason why I'm here at all...
God created me. There is no other way to say it then to THANK Him for all He has done for me. And I can't even begin to tell you about His mercy. I will try - because from experience, I can tell you that its one of the most amazing things I have ever been given. Cuz the truth is - I mess up. A LOT. like kinda more than A LOT actually. my life is full of mistakes. I have this pattern of doing the same thing twice... or more. Like, yea I know this got me in trouble/hurt me before but heck lets do it again. Stupid huh? Yea. It is. But the amazing thing is GOD LOVES ME ANYWAYS. And I can't even comprehend that sometimes, because sometimes I beat myself up so much about my choices or the way I handle certain situations and I don't know how He could still love me. But He does...
God's word is full of promises and lessons. Encouraging words that speak to me. Tonight this passage spoke to me, especially the last seven lines. Let me personalize it for you, and tell you why I think this is gonna mean a lot to me this semester.
I live in the midst of trouble. Among people who are constantly trying to get me to do things that honestly - sometimes I want to give in to. I know how to say no, and I can so no. But time after time I can feel the force behind my voice began to wary. I am surrounded by things of this world. And thats a really tough place to be. But guess what?
God guards me against the people threatening to bring me down. I might feel like I'm alone, but in reality, there is something much bigger than me working against them. Inside there is God saying - Kari is that really what you want to do?? THINK ABOUT IT. Anger only last so long. The things you deal with inside your heart and the choices you make - well those feelings last a lot longer.
God has saved me. God has given me a choice. He has given me something to live for other than the things in this world. He has given me HOPE. When it comes down to it, life is not about the clothes you wear, what "cool" people you associate with, how many parties you go to, how many realtionships you've had. what matters is living for God and being an influence to the people around you - and let me tell you i am TRYING. and I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that its easy. cuz its definitely IS NOT. I mess up all the time. But I want to grow. and I want to get closer to Him. and I believe in His promises. and thats what matters
the Lord is here to help me. and i'm gonna let Him.
His mercy will never end. and I am so grateful for that. because no matter how much we want to be the perfect christians and lead our lives with this godly example for everyone else to see... we can't. we're humans. and we're going to sin. and we're going to make mistakes. but God is gonna love us anyways. as long as we keep coming back to Him and His word...
HE IS NOT GOING TO LET ME GO.
January 16, 2008
someone's story.
We think we're invincible, and that our world will never fall apart. We defy every rule we've ever been given, and when nothing happens - we do it again. We are destructive. We hurt others, hurt ourselves, put our lives in jepoardy and make life-altering decisions that we can never erase, never be rid of. We brush our mistakes aside and tell ourselves they will never happen again. We look at the bad things that happen to other people and think - wow that sucks, but that would never happen to me, or any of my friends. Yes, we think we're invincible, but then it happens to us.
It was in the middle of the first semester just as the leaves were beginning to change color and the air became to smell like autumn. Crisp leaves fell and scents of cinnamon and pumpkin spice begin to welcome in the Thanksgiving season. The weather was colder but not harsh enough to bite your skin. Perfect running weather, and great for football season. Everyone was anxious for break to come around, for many it had been months since they had seen they're closest friends. Just a couple more weeks and then we would all be home. Or so we thought.
I got the call on Tuesday morning: 9:05 A.M. It was her Aunt Lindsey and I remember her voice calm but soft. I had never met her before, or heard her voice, but I could tell from her first, "Hi is this Angie?" that something was wrong. I responded with a yes and asked who was calling. She told me who she was and then simply said: Holly is gone. At first I was confused... of course she was gone. Gone away to the University of California, but she would be back for thanksgiving, I had talked to her just a couple days ago. But then her voice had continued: She killed herself last night. The funeral is going to be on Friday. I know it would be a lot to Dan and Kathleen if you could be there. I'm so sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I sat there silent. And all I could say was, of course. And then I hung up the phone. My roommate looked at me and asked me who had called. I couldn't say a word. I grabbed my phone and walked out of the room. Down the hall to the lounge I opened the door and sat on the couch. I was alone and unable to comprehend what I had just been told.
Things like that don't happen to us. Not to our group of friends. Never. It couldn't be true... it just couldn't. So many suicides had taken place in our town while we were in high school. We had all sworn up and down we could never do something like that to the people we loved. We had all agreed how selfish it was. We had all sat in disbelief and then we had moved on with our lives. We had been happy. We had had some of the greatest times anyone could ask for. High school was the time of our lives - filled with fun, parties, tears, laughter, relationships, break-ups, and most of all the comfort that we had each other. And that we always would.
And now she was gone. What else could I do? I got on my phone and started calling them all. Hunter. Kyle. Wes. Lance. Jeremy. Kristin. Courtney. Whitney. Morgan. Dori. Stace. Pete. Many of their reactions turned out to be similar to my own. We couldn't talk about it. It didn't make sense. And it was just too strange and unacceptable to talk about right then. All we knew is that we were all gonna be at that funeral. There was no other option. We were going to see each other sooner than we had planned. But she wasn't going to be there...
I guess we're not invincible. And the things that you think aren't going to happen to you - well thats not always the case. Bad things happen to good people, even though they're not supposed to. The world shoudn't work like that, but it does. The world is a messed up place filled with depression, rage, anger, abuse, suicide, death, hurt, pain, and heartache. The sooner you accept the fact that you're not invincible, and neither are the people around you, the better you're going to survive. We have to cope with unexpected, and we have to do it with love, care, and patience. We have to take as many steps as we can to make this world a better place. But not by thinking we're invincible and defying all the rules. We have to do it by embracing those we love and showing them we're always gonna be there - no matter what. This world is a crappy place - but hand in hand, we can make it great.
It was in the middle of the first semester just as the leaves were beginning to change color and the air became to smell like autumn. Crisp leaves fell and scents of cinnamon and pumpkin spice begin to welcome in the Thanksgiving season. The weather was colder but not harsh enough to bite your skin. Perfect running weather, and great for football season. Everyone was anxious for break to come around, for many it had been months since they had seen they're closest friends. Just a couple more weeks and then we would all be home. Or so we thought.
I got the call on Tuesday morning: 9:05 A.M. It was her Aunt Lindsey and I remember her voice calm but soft. I had never met her before, or heard her voice, but I could tell from her first, "Hi is this Angie?" that something was wrong. I responded with a yes and asked who was calling. She told me who she was and then simply said: Holly is gone. At first I was confused... of course she was gone. Gone away to the University of California, but she would be back for thanksgiving, I had talked to her just a couple days ago. But then her voice had continued: She killed herself last night. The funeral is going to be on Friday. I know it would be a lot to Dan and Kathleen if you could be there. I'm so sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I sat there silent. And all I could say was, of course. And then I hung up the phone. My roommate looked at me and asked me who had called. I couldn't say a word. I grabbed my phone and walked out of the room. Down the hall to the lounge I opened the door and sat on the couch. I was alone and unable to comprehend what I had just been told.
Things like that don't happen to us. Not to our group of friends. Never. It couldn't be true... it just couldn't. So many suicides had taken place in our town while we were in high school. We had all sworn up and down we could never do something like that to the people we loved. We had all agreed how selfish it was. We had all sat in disbelief and then we had moved on with our lives. We had been happy. We had had some of the greatest times anyone could ask for. High school was the time of our lives - filled with fun, parties, tears, laughter, relationships, break-ups, and most of all the comfort that we had each other. And that we always would.
And now she was gone. What else could I do? I got on my phone and started calling them all. Hunter. Kyle. Wes. Lance. Jeremy. Kristin. Courtney. Whitney. Morgan. Dori. Stace. Pete. Many of their reactions turned out to be similar to my own. We couldn't talk about it. It didn't make sense. And it was just too strange and unacceptable to talk about right then. All we knew is that we were all gonna be at that funeral. There was no other option. We were going to see each other sooner than we had planned. But she wasn't going to be there...
I guess we're not invincible. And the things that you think aren't going to happen to you - well thats not always the case. Bad things happen to good people, even though they're not supposed to. The world shoudn't work like that, but it does. The world is a messed up place filled with depression, rage, anger, abuse, suicide, death, hurt, pain, and heartache. The sooner you accept the fact that you're not invincible, and neither are the people around you, the better you're going to survive. We have to cope with unexpected, and we have to do it with love, care, and patience. We have to take as many steps as we can to make this world a better place. But not by thinking we're invincible and defying all the rules. We have to do it by embracing those we love and showing them we're always gonna be there - no matter what. This world is a crappy place - but hand in hand, we can make it great.
January 13, 2008
all we have is now
all we have is now. nobody knows how many 'tomorrows' they have left. nobody knows what is going to happen in the future. but you can control the here and now. so don't wait till tomorrow. for tomorrow may not come. dont' say you'll do it later... because chances are you will forget. or chicken out. if something comes across your mind chances are its important. so do something about it. don't sit and wonder 'what if' this and 'what if' that...
if you have something to say to someone - then say it. if you sit and think about it, its just going to get harder to do. if someone is slipping away from you - pull them back. don't think they will come back when they're ready, because a lot of times they leave and they don't come back. if someone is important enough to you: fight for them. if they have made a difference in your life, make a difference in theirs. show them they mean something. too many times people slip away because we are too afraid of our feelings. too afraid of laying it out on the line... life is too short to play it safe.
you have to take risks if you are ever going to get anywhere in life. and what better time than right now. all we have is now. if an opportunity is in front of you grab it. because you have no idea if its going to come around again. that job. that once in a lifetime trip. that opportunity you've been dying for. that special someone you just can't seem to get off your mind. that college that might be a little more money than you planned for - but has always been your dream to attend.
run away. say what you want to say. write something. accomplish your dreams. dare to achieve more than you ever thought possible. travel the world. play music. sing your heart out. do something spontaneous. love with all your heart. don't hold back. don't play it safe. give everything your absolute all and live without regrets. learn from your mistakes. move on and try again. make a difference. smile. appreciate the small things in life. give and expect nothing in return. thank God for the gifts He has given you - and use them.
we don't know when our time will come. when someone will walk out of our lives. how long we have to grasp an opportunity. all we have is now. don't waste it.
if you have something to say to someone - then say it. if you sit and think about it, its just going to get harder to do. if someone is slipping away from you - pull them back. don't think they will come back when they're ready, because a lot of times they leave and they don't come back. if someone is important enough to you: fight for them. if they have made a difference in your life, make a difference in theirs. show them they mean something. too many times people slip away because we are too afraid of our feelings. too afraid of laying it out on the line... life is too short to play it safe.
you have to take risks if you are ever going to get anywhere in life. and what better time than right now. all we have is now. if an opportunity is in front of you grab it. because you have no idea if its going to come around again. that job. that once in a lifetime trip. that opportunity you've been dying for. that special someone you just can't seem to get off your mind. that college that might be a little more money than you planned for - but has always been your dream to attend.
run away. say what you want to say. write something. accomplish your dreams. dare to achieve more than you ever thought possible. travel the world. play music. sing your heart out. do something spontaneous. love with all your heart. don't hold back. don't play it safe. give everything your absolute all and live without regrets. learn from your mistakes. move on and try again. make a difference. smile. appreciate the small things in life. give and expect nothing in return. thank God for the gifts He has given you - and use them.
we don't know when our time will come. when someone will walk out of our lives. how long we have to grasp an opportunity. all we have is now. don't waste it.
January 07, 2008
it hurts
it was a beautiful spring day and there he was. walking happily along the sidewalk towards her holding a card in his hand. he smiled as he came nearer. she smiled back. she had never felt so happy. he reached her and gave her a hug. she felt his arms around her and never wanted to let go. with him she felt comfortable and safe - two things she never wanted to take for granted, and she never wanted to lose.
they said hello and began walking together enjoying the nice weather, breathing in the scents of spring and of each other. he was enjoying the day so much that he almost forgot about the card in his hand. he looked down at it and sighed. she noticed and looked up at him. he smiled and told her they should find someplace to sit. she agreed.
up ahead was a small wooden park bench. it looked ancient and barely sturdy enough to hold the both of them. it was cracked and more than bits of it were missing from its structure. how many people had sat before them and enjoyed its relaxtion. how many conversations had this small bench heard? oh if only things could talk. for there would be no doubt some insight could be shown on what was about to happen.
they sat down. she reached for his hand and instead of holding hers he simply handed her the card. she looked at him confused. "just read it." he said. she nodded and opened it slowly.
' you have meant more to me than you will ever know. you have been my friend. my love. my everything. you have touched me in ways i don't even think you realize. i remember moments with you that probably might have been insignificant in your eyes - but to me they meant the world. even though we never dated i just want you to know that i care about you more than a lot of people. more than other girls. you are an amazing person and i just want you to know that. i am sorry that this has to end (know that ending this is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do). but the truth of the matter is - its not our time. maybe some day down the road we will have our chance... but if not i just need you to know you have made a difference in my life. i will always remember every way you impacted my life. thank you for everything. i hope that we will still be able to be friends. i love you...'
she couldn't say a word. instead she gave him a hug. she didn't want to let go. and neither did he but she had to. she stood up from the bench. it seemed to sigh for her as she stood. and then she turned and walked away. she never let him see her tears. he wasn't worth it. some say its better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all... but that hurt inside of her was unbearable. she would never forget him... but she wasn't sure she would ever be able to really let him go. perhaps she would never feel his arms around her again, but in some way or another she would always feel him touching her heart.
they said hello and began walking together enjoying the nice weather, breathing in the scents of spring and of each other. he was enjoying the day so much that he almost forgot about the card in his hand. he looked down at it and sighed. she noticed and looked up at him. he smiled and told her they should find someplace to sit. she agreed.
up ahead was a small wooden park bench. it looked ancient and barely sturdy enough to hold the both of them. it was cracked and more than bits of it were missing from its structure. how many people had sat before them and enjoyed its relaxtion. how many conversations had this small bench heard? oh if only things could talk. for there would be no doubt some insight could be shown on what was about to happen.
they sat down. she reached for his hand and instead of holding hers he simply handed her the card. she looked at him confused. "just read it." he said. she nodded and opened it slowly.
' you have meant more to me than you will ever know. you have been my friend. my love. my everything. you have touched me in ways i don't even think you realize. i remember moments with you that probably might have been insignificant in your eyes - but to me they meant the world. even though we never dated i just want you to know that i care about you more than a lot of people. more than other girls. you are an amazing person and i just want you to know that. i am sorry that this has to end (know that ending this is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do). but the truth of the matter is - its not our time. maybe some day down the road we will have our chance... but if not i just need you to know you have made a difference in my life. i will always remember every way you impacted my life. thank you for everything. i hope that we will still be able to be friends. i love you...'
she couldn't say a word. instead she gave him a hug. she didn't want to let go. and neither did he but she had to. she stood up from the bench. it seemed to sigh for her as she stood. and then she turned and walked away. she never let him see her tears. he wasn't worth it. some say its better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all... but that hurt inside of her was unbearable. she would never forget him... but she wasn't sure she would ever be able to really let him go. perhaps she would never feel his arms around her again, but in some way or another she would always feel him touching her heart.
January 05, 2008
holding on
the truth of the matter is - i have a problem letting things go. or rather - i hold on to things when they are out of my control. unchangeable. and undeserving of my tears. the thing is - i'm not very good at getting past the things that have hurt me. because i'm one of those people that want explanations for things. its hard to move forward when you have all these unanswered questions. and even if there was a reason for something to happen sometimes that reason just isn't good enough. sometimes you just want more. something else to ease to the pain. words that make it better - make it bearable. and when those words don't come... its hard to let go.
more than that - its hard to let go of situations and circumstances that seem to keep repeating themselves. its one thing to lose something once but when it happens over and over again you just start to get tired... and thats what i am: i'm tired. i am tired of wondering why i never seem to be good enough. because the truth is - i know i am. i have to be. because the day i stop believing i am good enough is the day i lose all hope. and if i let that happen - i'm gonna end up being someone i really don't want to be. but i'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. everytime you get pushed under you come back up... but after awhile your arms get tired and the fight you had inside to spring up with full force gets weaker. you keep coming up but the breaths you take in get smaller.
i have to keep breathing. i know that. breathing. living. praying... holding on to the one i know is never gonna let me go. i think thats what i find most comforting about God's love. is that He does believe i'm good enough. its really hard to think that when He allows us to get hurt... but its true. although its frustrating sometimes trying to understand why He lets things happen the way they do. why He brings people into our lives and then takes them away again. His will and timing are perfect but we have a really hard time seenig that don't we? i know i do. even now i know that there is a reason He allowed some of the things in my life to happen but i have no clue what those reasons are.
because living in this messed up world it doesn't really make sense why He would take away things or people that make us happy. why He would allow things to happen that bring us down so much that we aren't sure how we will ever make it through...
a boy let me down yesterday.
you think people are never going to hurt you and then they do. and its a part of life that will always be there. people are gonna let you down, its a fact. but as you grow up and change how you handle that disappointment changes. a year ago the exact same thing happened to me. and a year ago. i cried. i didn't understand why. and i didn't know how i was gonna move on. but i did. cuz a year later i am hurting again - but its someone else. so at least i know i'm gonna be okay. that i'm gonna be able to move on. but you know whats different this time?
i can't help thinking about my aunt. and how she isn't here anymore. you don't know what its really like to 'lose someone' until someone you love dies. its probably one of the most painful things you could ever experience. people that hurt you - well you might have another chance along the road. and you will eventually forgive them and move on. but people that pass away... they will always leave an empty place in your heart that you never really get back. you can remember the good times. hold onto the memories. and be happy that they were in your life - but things are never the same without them. and as much as i know God had a reason for taking her home to Him - i will never understand why. at times like these... i just really miss her. and thats the truth.
its hard for me to let go of things. and its even harder for me to understand God's will. but i know one thing - you have to hold on to the people you care about. you have to treasure every moment you spend with them, even when they hurt you. even when they push you under that water and you don't know how you're going to reach the surface... because at the end of the day, they're the ones that matter. they're the ones that make you who you are. they're the ones who have been there for you - and will continue to be there for you. you never know when you are gonna lose someone you care about. someone you love. so you can't leave room for regrets. you have to chose to forgive. cuz lifes to short to hold on to all the pain...
more than that - its hard to let go of situations and circumstances that seem to keep repeating themselves. its one thing to lose something once but when it happens over and over again you just start to get tired... and thats what i am: i'm tired. i am tired of wondering why i never seem to be good enough. because the truth is - i know i am. i have to be. because the day i stop believing i am good enough is the day i lose all hope. and if i let that happen - i'm gonna end up being someone i really don't want to be. but i'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. everytime you get pushed under you come back up... but after awhile your arms get tired and the fight you had inside to spring up with full force gets weaker. you keep coming up but the breaths you take in get smaller.
i have to keep breathing. i know that. breathing. living. praying... holding on to the one i know is never gonna let me go. i think thats what i find most comforting about God's love. is that He does believe i'm good enough. its really hard to think that when He allows us to get hurt... but its true. although its frustrating sometimes trying to understand why He lets things happen the way they do. why He brings people into our lives and then takes them away again. His will and timing are perfect but we have a really hard time seenig that don't we? i know i do. even now i know that there is a reason He allowed some of the things in my life to happen but i have no clue what those reasons are.
because living in this messed up world it doesn't really make sense why He would take away things or people that make us happy. why He would allow things to happen that bring us down so much that we aren't sure how we will ever make it through...
a boy let me down yesterday.
you think people are never going to hurt you and then they do. and its a part of life that will always be there. people are gonna let you down, its a fact. but as you grow up and change how you handle that disappointment changes. a year ago the exact same thing happened to me. and a year ago. i cried. i didn't understand why. and i didn't know how i was gonna move on. but i did. cuz a year later i am hurting again - but its someone else. so at least i know i'm gonna be okay. that i'm gonna be able to move on. but you know whats different this time?
i can't help thinking about my aunt. and how she isn't here anymore. you don't know what its really like to 'lose someone' until someone you love dies. its probably one of the most painful things you could ever experience. people that hurt you - well you might have another chance along the road. and you will eventually forgive them and move on. but people that pass away... they will always leave an empty place in your heart that you never really get back. you can remember the good times. hold onto the memories. and be happy that they were in your life - but things are never the same without them. and as much as i know God had a reason for taking her home to Him - i will never understand why. at times like these... i just really miss her. and thats the truth.
its hard for me to let go of things. and its even harder for me to understand God's will. but i know one thing - you have to hold on to the people you care about. you have to treasure every moment you spend with them, even when they hurt you. even when they push you under that water and you don't know how you're going to reach the surface... because at the end of the day, they're the ones that matter. they're the ones that make you who you are. they're the ones who have been there for you - and will continue to be there for you. you never know when you are gonna lose someone you care about. someone you love. so you can't leave room for regrets. you have to chose to forgive. cuz lifes to short to hold on to all the pain...
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