holding on

the truth of the matter is - i have a problem letting things go. or rather - i hold on to things when they are out of my control. unchangeable. and undeserving of my tears. the thing is - i'm not very good at getting past the things that have hurt me. because i'm one of those people that want explanations for things. its hard to move forward when you have all these unanswered questions. and even if there was a reason for something to happen sometimes that reason just isn't good enough. sometimes you just want more. something else to ease to the pain. words that make it better - make it bearable. and when those words don't come... its hard to let go.

more than that - its hard to let go of situations and circumstances that seem to keep repeating themselves. its one thing to lose something once but when it happens over and over again you just start to get tired... and thats what i am: i'm tired. i am tired of wondering why i never seem to be good enough. because the truth is - i know i am. i have to be. because the day i stop believing i am good enough is the day i lose all hope. and if i let that happen - i'm gonna end up being someone i really don't want to be. but i'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. everytime you get pushed under you come back up... but after awhile your arms get tired and the fight you had inside to spring up with full force gets weaker. you keep coming up but the breaths you take in get smaller.

i have to keep breathing. i know that. breathing. living. praying... holding on to the one i know is never gonna let me go. i think thats what i find most comforting about God's love. is that He does believe i'm good enough. its really hard to think that when He allows us to get hurt... but its true. although its frustrating sometimes trying to understand why He lets things happen the way they do. why He brings people into our lives and then takes them away again. His will and timing are perfect but we have a really hard time seenig that don't we? i know i do. even now i know that there is a reason He allowed some of the things in my life to happen but i have no clue what those reasons are.

because living in this messed up world it doesn't really make sense why He would take away things or people that make us happy. why He would allow things to happen that bring us down so much that we aren't sure how we will ever make it through...

a boy let me down yesterday.
you think people are never going to hurt you and then they do. and its a part of life that will always be there. people are gonna let you down, its a fact. but as you grow up and change how you handle that disappointment changes. a year ago the exact same thing happened to me. and a year ago. i cried. i didn't understand why. and i didn't know how i was gonna move on. but i did. cuz a year later i am hurting again - but its someone else. so at least i know i'm gonna be okay. that i'm gonna be able to move on. but you know whats different this time?

i can't help thinking about my aunt. and how she isn't here anymore. you don't know what its really like to 'lose someone' until someone you love dies. its probably one of the most painful things you could ever experience. people that hurt you - well you might have another chance along the road. and you will eventually forgive them and move on. but people that pass away... they will always leave an empty place in your heart that you never really get back. you can remember the good times. hold onto the memories. and be happy that they were in your life - but things are never the same without them. and as much as i know God had a reason for taking her home to Him - i will never understand why. at times like these... i just really miss her. and thats the truth.

its hard for me to let go of things. and its even harder for me to understand God's will. but i know one thing - you have to hold on to the people you care about. you have to treasure every moment you spend with them, even when they hurt you. even when they push you under that water and you don't know how you're going to reach the surface... because at the end of the day, they're the ones that matter. they're the ones that make you who you are. they're the ones who have been there for you - and will continue to be there for you. you never know when you are gonna lose someone you care about. someone you love. so you can't leave room for regrets. you have to chose to forgive. cuz lifes to short to hold on to all the pain...