christmas without you

its not christmas without you.

i don't know why i made cut-out cookies by myself. i guess its because i know you would want me to... doesn't mean it was easy. i put on the oldies like you always did. i sang along. and i thought of you. its crazy to think that just a year ago we did that together. standing in your kitchen baking them together like we always had. every christmas i remember has you in it. you know - i was thinking back to last year. and i knew things weren't perfect... and you weren't doing your best - but i can't remember whether or not the thought of that being our last christmas together really ever crossed my mind. i don't think i wanted to even think about that as a possibility. i was always praying for a miracle you know? i was always hoping you would just get better. but you didn't...

i've listened to silent night about four times these past few weeks. whether it was on the radio. on the movie i was watching. or part of a holiday concert. i've cried 3 out of the 4 times. you loved that song so much - and i always loved how you got out all your christmas music boxes around this time - and how each one of them played that song. yes, silent night reminds me of you. sometimes i smile. sometimes i cry. or sometimes i do both. i don't know if you could call them happy tears during those instances - cuz honestly thinking about how you're gone doesn't make me happy. but thinking about you - and all the memories i have of you does.

its not christmas without you.

i think one of the things i miss most is how much joy you brought to my life, and everyone around you. there was just something about you being around that made me happy no matter what kind of day i was having. you were a light. and you still are...

silent night. holy night.
all is calm... all is bright.

you will forever be a light inside me. its so hard without you. i miss you every day. but i thank God for the difference you made while you were on this earth. i, for one, will never let go of that.

Auntie Karen - this is gonna be our first christmas without you. and its not going to be the same. its never going to be the same again... but i will always carry a part of you with me. through little things like hearing silent night. and making christmas cut-out cookies. and thinking about christmas trivia (even though we played that year round - carols and songs right? :D) i love you. i miss you. and i'll never stop doing either of those things. 'cept for that day i get to see you again - than i guess i won't ever have to miss you again huh? thanks for all the memories. thanks for making such an impression to remind me you're always with me in one way or another. merry christmas auntie karen. i'm thinking about you...