Missing Words.

"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."

Conversation is taken for granted, even at its simplest components. Something as simple as a "Hello" is uttered and it is forgotten before the other person has even responded. We speak out of habit. We speak out of necessity. We respond because it is required. We listen because we have to, without ever really hearing a word that is said. We analyze text conversations, emails, and online messages via social networks, but when it comes to face to face interaction we lose the importance.

Few things are more treasured to me in my life than conversations with friends, family, and strangers alike. How amazing to simply interact with another person - to hear and to be heard. We are all so busy with our everyday lives that we cut out the time for adequate conversation. We always have somewhere to be, something to do, someone else to see. Often, the person we should be paying attention to is the one right in front of us. How hard is it to take a moment to really ask someone how they are doing? To take a moment and simply, care.

Some of my greatest memories are snippets of conversations I have had with people. Ones that I play over and over again in my mind. We all need someone. And sometimes, someone needs us when we don't even know it. And all it takes is a conversation - to change someone's life, to make an impact on their day, to show them they're not alone, to recognize the life of another. I don't know where I would be without the people who took the time to listen, to share, to talk. And on the same hand, I know that nothing gives me greater joy than being able to be there for someone else. I love being available for people if ever they need something. Because one conversation can make all the difference.

How often do we pass opportunities by? How often do we push aside our friends and loved ones or a talkative stranger because we're too "busy"? How often have we needed someone to talk to and no one has been there? Or how often has someone been there? How many times do we half-heartedly participate in conversations? How many times have we walked away not knowing what has been said? On the flip side, how many times have we walked away from a conversation refreshed, rejuvenated, and full of joy?

In light of the holiday season I encourage you to invest in conversation. Words are not just arbitrary things. They mean something. Especially coming from someone who cares and someone we care about. I'm grateful for all the people who weren't too busy for me. Some of them made me who I am today. Some of them changed my life.

Whose life can you change? Who has changed yours? Christmas is a time for giving... Maybe just give your time. your voice. your listening ear. : )

good tidings to all.

I took a longer break from this than I had anticipated. In summary, my trip to Arizona was AMAZING and since then I have traveled from Arizona back to Colorado and then back home to South Dakota. The last few days have been spent with my family, and it's been great.

But. For starters, I would like to thank Christine [http://thesilverlining122.blogspot.com] for giving me an award! From a relatively new blogging friend, and from what looks to be a relatively new blogger, Christine has amazing words of encouragement and I am blessed to have been given this award through her recent acquaintance. : )

Posts that come from the heart and soul : )

And then... five facts about me
1. I would much rather stay up late than get up early. Nighttime is prime for good conversation and relaxation. : )
2. I've messed up a lot in my lifetime, and I will do so many more times in my future. But I believe in the Lord Jesus with all my heart, and I know that no matter what He loves me. When the world seems dark, there is always a light.
3. I hate feet. Unless they are covered with socks, 95% of the time feet touching me give me the eebie jeebies.
4. I've experimented with almost every "natural" hair color. I don't know why but I find it fun to change it up from time to time. Currently, I'm a redhead : )
5. I love scrapbooking. I wish I had more time and money to do it more often. It's fun to take your photo memories and personalize them even more.

Now for five more deserving bloggers... I have a really hard time with this because I enjoy reading different blogs for different reasons and different people touch my heart day by day. But, check these ones out.

Lauren Nicole Love: Love Like a Child
{ http://laurennicolelove.blogspot.com }

Dwelling in the House
{ http://dwellinginthehouse.blogspot.com }

Relentlessly Real
{ http://relentlesslyreal.blogspot.com }

This Is the Day
{ http://thisisthedaysolive.blogspot.com }

Waiting for Love
{ http://lovelettersfromthepast.blogspot.com }

God Bless You All!

Arizona Bound.

These are the moments that I live for. The step back in time - pretending that we never left, pretending that we've never changed. These are the moments that I'll sacrifice for. The chance to spend time, once again, with the people who knew me then and know me now. Our lives have changed, but somehow, we've found what it means to be friends in the sunshine and the shade. Always willing. Always enduring. Always accepting. We are all meant to take different paths. But there will always be a part of us that remembers where we've been. And so, with that connection, we come together to share pieces. Even for a moment. Even for a few days. We come together and nothing has changed. We're back to being the best of friends and feeling the comfort of knowing - here is where we belong.

[Off to Arizona to spend time with my favorite boys! See all you bloggers next week : ) ]

Get a Little Love.

I've wrapped myself in the arms of boys who never cared - who wanted me for a night, two, a few. I've wrapped myself in the arms of boys who promised me the world and then took it away - boys who I wanted to love but who were never going to love me back. I've wrapped myself up with boys - to belong, to feel love, to feel anything.

Once upon a time, I was the girl who knew she deserved to be treated like a princess. The girl willing to wait. The girl who was secure in herself. I used to be that girl - the innocent, doesn't date, doesn't do anything girl. The prude. The Christian. The "abnormal." I used to not care. I was a hopeless romantic content on dreaming, content on hoping, in no rush to find what everyone else was killing to discover.

There is a place in my past where I prided myself in my innocence. And I vowed I would never give it up. But the world doesn't listen to your plans and you'll discover that "best friends" can turn out to be your worst enemies. Somewhere along the way I stopped believing in the truth. I've been trying to find my way back ever since...

They don't tell you what happens once you allow yourself to fall. They don't tell you how long it takes to get back up. They don't tell you until it's already too late. And then they convince you it's better here, with "them", because now you belong. Now, you're the same.

Since when did conformity become a trend? In a society centered on the individual - prideful and selfish - it seems we're all protecting the same similarities instead of our unique differences. The world has taken control of our fire - they have become the matches that choose when we see. To fall is to play by their rules, to resist is to run blind in a world full of masked faces.

I used to be someone else. I go back to her sometimes. I revisit her in journals and blog entries, in hidden notes, and forgotten photographs. I hear her in the songs on the soundtrack of her "past." I notice her in the joy that has been stolen and in the mistakes she can never take back. I see her in the faces of people she no longer knows. She comes back to me in my dreams and asks me Why - Why didn't she know better? Why did she want it so badly? Who did she want to be?

I used to be someone else. And, if I could back, I wouldn't.

They say your choices define who you are. But your past is simply a stepping stone - not a final stop. The journey doesn't end because you're ashamed. The journey doesn't lose significance in the midst of visions that haunt your dreams. There's a whole new world out there waiting to be discovered. Climb out of the hole and set yourself on fire again.

I want to burn. I want to shine in spite of where I've come from and who I've been. Time and time again. Because, I am who I am and that's enough. At least, for someone.

I've wrapped myself in a love that will never fade - in a promise that will never be broken. I've put my faith in a world that will never end. I've wrapped myself in arms that will never let go. I've surrounded myself with the beauty that finds its' way into my brokenness. All of my life - past, present, and future - is significant here. I've wrapped myself in the presence of King, in the arms of a Father.

For, Jesus made me new again. He lifted me out from the darkness. He showed me to believe in myself again.

Faith, NOT Fear.

God rest ye merry, gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember, Christ, our Saviour
Was born on Christmas day
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

Have you ever really thought about the lyrics of this song? I hadn't until church this morning.

May you find your joy and rest in Jesus. Let nothing cause you dismay. Because Jesus is there for you. He was born for you. God sent a child - God sent His son - that we may have new life in Him. We can find peace in knowing that God is there for us, no matter what comes our way. Satan has no power over us, as long as we are placing our faith in God alone. All we like sheep have gone astray, but God is our shepherd. And He is there to bring us back. With comfort. With joy. With reassurance. With hope. In light of the Christmas season, let us be merry in Him. Life is a struggle, but He never lets us go.

I have been struggling to maintain control over my life lately. In light of finals, I have become overwhelmed with all the things I have to do. I cry for no reason. I feel like giving up. On top of that, there are all these other things clouding my mind: Pain, Confusion, Questions, Lack of Wisdom. Not only have I been battling with school but I have been battling with my emotions. Unfortunately, I have been trying to do handle it all on my own. And, as a result, I've been a mess. In the midst of the storm, I have been running away from God instead of recognizing that He is my strength in my weakness - if only I let Him. To let go of my pride, and to let God take control.

Let the holiday season be a reminder of who God is, what He has done for us. Seek Him boldy. Trust Him. Have faith that He has the answers. We are all thirsty - for God - the water of life. We all need to be reminded that we desparately need Jesus. In the midst of our struggle, we need to remember that nothing is too big for Him to handle. Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is. Fall in love with God. Trust Him with your life. Allow Him to make you whole again.

We all need reminders of who Jesus is. We all need reminders that we're not alone. I have been trying to handle everything on my own and today I am suddenly renewed with energy because of what the Father has done through me. I can rest in Him. I can find tidings of comfort and joy even when the waves of difficult circumstances are crashing around me, because I KNOW GOD. I just need to stop being afraid and have faith in God, even in light of the storm. He will calm the waters in His perfect timing, until then, we can find hope in His promises. That He will never let go.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

reflecting.

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."
-Agatha Christie

There are small moments when you remember - there is a purpose to all this madness. There is a reason for the tears that come, the heartache you feel, the questions you may never find answers to. There are small moments when you understand that life is worth living. What you have, is more than enough. And you find it again... in being appreciated, in reconnecting with old friends, with a smile, with a hug, with the reassurance of family and the warmth of home filled with love. You find it in the simple moments - flashback to high school as you run along the streets of your hometown with your best friend, as you simply drive and see the beauty, as you realize all you have to be thankful for. There are small moments when you realize life is more beautiful than you could ever describe. Every day - it's all around you. Sometimes, we just need reminders to recognize it.

a hodge-podge of feelings.

I miss the old familiar faces and below the surface conversations.

I miss doing the things I've done my whole life with people who knew me then and know me now. Time passes and people change, but you never forget where you came from. You never forget who influenced the person you are today. I miss knowing where I belong. I miss knowing who to call. I miss being able to drive down the street and enter into a home that almost feels like mine. It's not even about what you do, it's about who you're with.

I dream of the people I've already lost -- the friendships that have dwindled or died completely. The rare lights in the middle of my past that I wouldn't be the same without. The ones who are no longer shining in my present. I dream of the people I want to see. I dream of touch. I dream of laughter. I dream of conversation. I dream of belonging -- a world that makes sense. I dream of people and when I wake up I wonder if one day, they too, will be simply faded memories in a list of the way I used to be and who I used to know.

When we're young, our parents tell us to enjoy it because the real world comes fast. They tell us to enjoy being kids. They tell us to enjoy getting to be immature - not to have to pay for things, to think that that money grows on trees, to see the world simplistically and full of color. They tell us to not rush growing up - and we don't listen. We can't wait for the next step. The next adventure. Imaginative-filled elementary school days fade into middle school dances which fade into the partys, the activities, the friendships, and the drama of high school. And then one day college is upon you, and you find yourself touring schools and looking foward to four years of fun. The time of your life. And how could that ever end?

But it does. And suddenly, you're ready to listen. Now that it's almost too late. You're ready to enjoy being young and enjoying life -- you're not ready for the real world. And as you stand looking foward into the looming future and the uncertainty of what comes next, you reflect on what you've gained, what you've lost, what you've learned, and who you've become. Dreaming. Wishing. Hoping. Remembering. Planning. Being -- caught up with emotions and a jumble of things you want and may never have.

The real world isn't a outline of class schedules. The real world doesn't give grades. The real world doesn't care if you fail or if you succeed. You get to choose. You can go nowhere and no one is going to talk to you about how you're not putting in any effort or how you can do better. You can do anything you want. It's all up to you. Who you take with you. Who you hold onto. What dreams you fight for. What you let go...

I miss things. Already I see parts of who I've been slipping away and as I stand on the edge of my inevitable future I am unsure who I will become, or where I will go. I miss knowing. And at the same time, I love it. The world is wide open. And you can go anywhere from here. And maybe that's the point. Not knowing. Who says the real world is the end of fun? Maybe, it's just the beginning.

If you really want something, sometimes it's worth taking a chance.

To Be Forever Young.

Today is one of those days -- one of those dreary, grey, cloudy days. There are a list of things I need to do, a list of things I have to do, and all I can do is sit in my warm bed and listen to my favorite laid-back melodies. Look at pictures of people I rarely see. Write in my journal - write on here. Today is one of those days -- one of those sit and reflect days. Relax and simply, be.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Thanksgiving is less than a week away. Time once again for food, family, friends, and fellowship. Taking a break from the world and enjoying the life God has given us - surrounded by the people we love. Separate yourself from everything you have to do, and instead, do something you want to do. Do something for someone else. Laugh because you can. Read a book for fun. Do something crazy. Act like a kid again. The world says you have to grow up, but the heart tells you to stay young forever. Responsibility is overrated. Explore your creativity. Use your imagination.

Tis the season to be jolly. I don't know what it is about the holidays, but something inside of me just wants to sit and simply enjoy life. I'm happy for no reason. I just want to have fun with my favorite people. Curl up on the couch with a warm cup of coffee - read a book, watch a movie, sit and talk with your best friend. Go outside and enjoy the cold. Bundle up and take some pictures. Bake cookies. Sing at the top of your lungs. The world is alive and so are you. All you have to do is make the choice to live it. Take advantage of the holiday and spread a little joy. Be happy for no reason. Love and give without expecting anything in return.

Give someone a hug. I love hugs. I think I've said this before (maybe more than once) but sometimes you underestimate the importance of touch. Everyone needs to feel needed. Everyone needs to feel loved. Everyone needs to feel cared for. And sometimes all it takes is something as simple as hug -- the reassurance that someone is there, that someone notices you, that someone wants you to feel special. Hugs can make a huge difference. Hugs can make your day. At least, I know they can make mine. Sometimes I dream about people I miss just simply giving me a hug. Because that's all it takes. One simple thing to let you know you're not alone.

Today is yours. Have the time of your life.

sleepless nights.

Somewhere between awake and dreams I hear your voice like a cascade into the silence - a soundtrack to the restlessnes I can't combat. It quiets the fight, but it can't win.

Where do tired eyes find rest? Beneath the shutters of skin it is dark, but they still see. An aching body burrows beneath blankets and nestles within the worn mattress fold. You can lie still but that doesn't mean stopping motion will stop the mind - thoughts play out like a movie scene. Where are the choices you should have made? Where are your regrets? Where are your fears? They are here, in bed with you.

Climb the mountain that separates the insomnia and the sanity.

Tell the night to back down. To simply, be. Give up the fight and lay still.

The imagination is allowed to run wild, but what will it find? I have found nighttime revelations subject to envoke terror and harm - to bring the tears once again. This is not a time for nightmares, this is a time for dreams. The mind must be stronger than the fear.

Then, perhaps here, I will find those arms that pull me in - holding me until I fade. They can't fight the night, but in this battle tonight, they are the only weapon I need.

sleep and live.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to possess the ability to fall asleep anywhere. I've heard some people fall asleep standing up. I see people sleeping on benches, on chairs, on buses. I envy them. I envy the ones who are filled with fatigue and the need for the sleep and can actually drift off without even a second thought. I can be so tired and then my head hits the pillow and I know instantly that sleep is not in the cards for me... not anytime soon. I'm told that you should only sleep in your bed. Maybe that's part of my problem. I watch movies in my bed. I journal on my bed. I do homework on my bed. But it's comfy. It's comforting. It helps me. Except in the area of sleep... damn. I may be an insomniac from time to time, but I still love my life.

hypothetical equations.

choose the one who makes your world beautiful.

if I told you the truth - would you hold it against me?
unspoken words as important as the breath we breathe,
in this moment we share here together, skin on skin.

if I asked you for the world - would you give it to me?
love comes in with the current, washing opportunity upon
the shore, tired feet stumbling upon its soft allure.

if I gave you my heart - would you take it?
it beats for the thing I never thought I'd find, the thing
you've had once before. (let me make it new again.)

if I told you the truth - would you hold it against me?
fear makes this safe space hostile, fills it with doubt. I will
ask questions left unanswered but, you will bring me hope.

Psalm 145

I will bless you every day. I will praise your name forever and ever. No matter what comes my way I know that you remain at the center. Your plans are worthy to be praised. You guide me when I don't know where to turn. Alone, I am nothing. With you, I am strong. His greatness is unsearchable. I will never be able to fathom all that you do - in my life and throughout the world. I barely comprehend a fraction of your power, of your majesty. But what I do is amazing. You wreck me senseless. You shake me with your mercy. You hold me in your grace. You surround me with your love. You fill me with your peace. You give me joy unspeakable. I am unworthy - full of sin, selfishness, and doubt. And yet, you accept me as your own. As your child. The LORD is merciful, compassionate, patient, and always ready to forgive. Nothing I do can separate me from you. Even when I become lost in the darkness, your light finds a way to shine through. You are always there. You never falter. All it takes is my willingness to surrend - to open my hands in faith and allow myself to trust you completely. With all that I am. Even when I have no clue where you are leading, I have to say - I will follow you. I will listen to your voice. The LORD supports everyone who falls. And I will fall. I will fail. Time and time again. I will sin and turn away and when I come falling on my knees, He will always be there. With His unconditional love and kindess. The LORD is my sheperd, I shall not want.

You open your hand and you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is fair in all His ways and faithful in everything He does. The LORD is near to everyone who prays to Him, to every faithful person who prays to Him. LORD, you have my heart in your hands. You hold me in your arms. You know my struggles, You know my questions, You see my pain, You understand the root of my confusion. You see me. You hear me. You listen and you respond. Through it all, you never leave my side. I will be still and know that you are GOD - trusting you with my whole heart and having faith in Your perfect plan, believing that you have a plan - for all of this. You have a purpose. You will guide me, step by step.

You are my God, my King, my Father, my Friend.

this is the place.

This was the center of the world for me once... where things made sense and I knew my place. Who I was. What I meant. How I felt. Hanging out and knowing. No questions asked. I was once stranded and insecure, alone on my knees. Somehow I was picked back up again. Over and over. Learning and reminiscing. Forgiving and crying. Sharing and letting go. My heart has shattered so many times I've often wondered how it would ever fit back together to love, to feel, to give. How do you share something scarred and mended? I will never be a whole. Not really. God makes me new again but I'm still missing pieces. I will never recover who I was before it all.

I hide because it's easier to feel safe alone. Even if arms embrace me, there is no guarantee that they will stay. Arms come and go. So many times I have fallen asleep remembering the way it felt to be held, the way it felt to be wanted, the way it felt to be protected. And, so many times have I watched that memory fade away with the passing of time. And then my heart finds itself again - feeling so deeply on the inside and trying to protect myself on the outside. It's easier to pretend it doesn't matter. It's easier to pretend that I don't care. It's easier to pretend that it doesn't hurt.

These are the bricks that shattered my heart. The bricks of abandonment. The bricks of broken promises, and broken expectations, and replacement. And maybe, I brought it all upon myself. Not being able to feel when it matters. Not allowing my true colors to shine when they needed to. I protect myself when I need to speak up. I lay my heart on the line when it needs to be guarded. And in the end I end up the same as before. Alone. Always, alone.

We're all dreamers. We all dream of the things we want. The goals we want to reach. The passions we want to fulfill. The loves we want to feel. The places we want to go. We're all dreamers. We give and we give until someone tells us we can't, and then we give again... to prove a point. To prove that we're still capable, that we still have what it takes. It doesn't matter how many times we fail. The only consequence is that maybe our original soft and passionate heart suddenly becomes strong and hard. We're still dreamers. We just dream in a different way.


I'm still a dreamer. I still want to feel. But, I've lost my certainty, at least for a little while anyway.

what are you waiting for?

She told me the truth is important. That the truth should be spoken.

All we're doing is dreaming - of what we might accomplish, where we might go, who we might meet. We dream of the impossible and believe in somedays. We would kill for this, just a little bit. We would do anything for our dreams. If only to defy the people who told us we couldn't, that we never would: Never see success. Never make a difference. Never travel the world. Never create something. Never fall in love.

Our whole lives are laid out in front of us. Every day the sun rises and gives us a brand new opportunity. And we can do with it whatever we want. There are always going to be things that come to an end. Nothing can last forever. It's the beginnings that keep us alive. It's the thrive for life and the continuation of what we already have that gives us hope. It's the opportunity to make a difference that brings us purpose. It's the desire within us to love other people that ignites us with passion.

Keep it all going. Don't give up. No matter how vulnerable you feel. No matter how hard it is to do what you want to do, to say what you need to say. You have to be willing to kill for this, whatever it is. You have to be willing to be heard. You can't be afraid. Let go of everything you have lost and look at what you have to gain. We're always waiting for somedays. But, our dreams only play to ourselves. Our actions play to the world. Our words ring to those around us.

What are you waiting for? If today was your last day... What would you do? What would you say?

a friendly thought.

My teacher said tonight that oftentimes our friends are more important than our families. Friends choose to love us. Friends choose to know us. Friends have no obligation to stay in our lives. So when they do... it means something.

How many times do we run to our friends?
How many times do our friends pick us up?
How many times do friends add signficance to our lives?
How many times do friends change who we are?

Friends, real friends, are essential to our lives. And I'm not talking about the superficial facebook kind, I'm talking about the kind who know us even when we're not sure we understand ourselves. The people who know our flaws. The ones who see us in our worst, understand our quirks, and share in our laughter. The friends who sometimes make the biggest difference in the smallest of ways.

In Charlotte's Web it says: "Friendship is one of the most satisfying things in the world."

Friendship is a choice. To be a friend should not be forced. Instead, it should be a natural desire. The most beautiful of friendships begin on a whim, and over time, come to reside within our souls. And this type of friend is worth whatever obstacles may come. Friendship is a choice.

How often do we choose to give up instead of fighting for a friend who has changed us? If our friends become our families when we leave home, how do we fight the inevitable changes that occur?

Paths diverge, but friendships don't have to.

You know. always, You know.

You have wrecked me helpless. You have rendered me weak. You have spoken to me and I have fallen. Fallen on my knees, completely in awe of how marvelous you are. The music plays and the tears come, no matter how hard I try to hold them back. I let go and I see it all. All the brokenness I keep holding onto. Everything I have kept hidden, to try and let it fade, to try and make it go away. You fill me and suddenly I am without any sort of control. No longer can I hold it in. No longer can I let it go. God, you break me. You make me weak in order to rely on your strength. And here I am, sitting on my knees trying to figure out where to start. What to give you. Heal me in pieces. Heal me as I surrender to you all the bits of my brokenness. Give me the strength to face it. To let you have it all.

Do you know I still see him in my dreams? I can hear him talking to me sometimes. He repeats the phrases I never wanted to hear, and in the same breath I remember all the words he said to make me smile. I see him, God. I see him and I remember how happy I was... and how that compares to how I am now. Do you know how much it hurts, God? To know that someone walked into your life and right back out again... the moment was so brief, that I never had a chance to say thank you. Now, instead, I am harboring all these feelings of hurt and broken expectations, confusion and simply the loss of a friend. Will you help me let Him go, God? Help me appreciate what You did through that friendship instead of focusing on the loss of it...

Do you know that I look in the mirror and see inadequacy? I see parts of myself that are "too big", "not toned enough" and "not like hers..." My friends call me skinny, but I can't see why. I don't feel skinny. I can run five miles and eat healthy, and I still don't feel skinny. I know its a lie. As my mother would say, that's a lie of Satan and I shouldn't believe it. I know what the truth is. The truth is that I was created in your image, and that to You, I'm perfect. And, that's all that matters. But it still doesn't mean I don't struggle with my self image from time to time. Fill me with You so that You're enough. I want to look and the mirror and see what you see - perfectly and wonderfully made. Make me feel whole again.

Do you know how scared I am about my future? Sometimes it makes me so stressed I feel like getting sick. Othertimes, I am so nonchalant about it, and that scares me... the lack of caring. I want to know what to do. What You want me to do. I have spent four years studying English, going into it I didn't know what I wanted to do. All I knew is that I loved reading and writing, I had four years to figure out the rest. Well, here I am God and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. Sometimes I think I know. I get really excited about certain occurences or moments with You and I feel like I'm moving down the path. But then I second guess myself. Lead me God. Lead me to where you want me to be. To serve you.

Do you know how often I can't fall asleep? Even now I sit up listening to the only songs that make me feel calm and write my heart out because it's better than laying my head down on the pillow and thinking about all the things I try to keep out during the day. I can't sleep because my mind becomes so filled with my supressed emotions and possible scenarios that I become overwhelmed and anxious. I can't make it stop. I can't make them go away. I think about the what-if's, I think about the could-have-been's, I think about the wish-I-had-never's, I think about all the things, and all the people, I miss. The empty holes in my life are brought to life at night, and I don't know how to fill them. I don't know how to shut them up...

You are speaking to me. With words undercover and those in the open. You are speaking directly to me through the people you have placed in my life and the words you allow me to hear, the music you infiltrate into my soul. Today, You wrecked me. Both in the morning and in the evening you have poured into me Your love, and I find myself reciprocating with tears I can't explain. I feel you, God. I know you're there. I know you hear this. I know you hear me. Even when I don't say it. You know my heart. You know every anxious thought. You see every nightmare. I'm asking you to take it all. Wreck me, and then fill me with your strength. Cover me with your grace. Surround me with your love. I need you, more of you. I need you now.

days like this.

give me a day like this. the ones in our favorite photographs. the ones where we were happy, and young, and invicible. give me a day like this. the ones where we shine. our cheeks stretched from laughing. our eyes glowing with something rare. you can't capture it. you can't take it away. this can't be repeated simply on desire alone. days like this can't be wished for. they just happen. they happen, and in a fleeting moment they are gone. quick as the setting sun. a brief moment of clarity in the midst of our chaotic world. beauty that is remembered. only, remembered. always, remembered.

give me a day like this. i will not let go of you. i will hold you. together we can imprint this feeling on hearts and on hands. burn this memory in your mind. take a snapshot. when time has passed and love has faded, it will spark again what we felt here. on a day like this. the sun doesn't have to shine. the wind can blow. the world around us can feel dreary and out of control. it doesn't matter. we are alone, here in a moment that pays no attention to time or atmosphere. there are no rules. there are no boundaries. only the desire to feel, to live, to experience. here it's not too late. other days fade away, but this will never feel the same.

one singular lifetime, made up of an expanse of days, stretched out to configure a set of goals or relationships or experiences. thousands upon thousands of, days. and how many are days like this. the days you want to carefully pluck out of a timeline, to place in a little box, to be kept forever. to be opened again when you need a reminder of what it feels like to be wanted. a reminder of what it feels like to belong. a reminder of what it's like to forget everything else in the world and simply, be.

give me a day like this. show me again what it's like not to be alone. what it's like to feel loved and appreciated. give me the carefree attitude of a child, and the innocence and curiousity that accompanies it. give me a day like this. where being who i am is enough. surrounded by the ones who love me - raw and exposed. with truth and sincerity. give me a day like this. i want to float away for a moment, float on to something beyond the mundane. float on simplicity and dance on the natural, stripped from frills and falsehoods.

give me a day like this. i just want to be sure of you. come with me?

dreams or nightmares?

I think I've forgotten about you. And then, you show up in my dreams. Even there you let me down. Even there you leave me. You leave, and you don't come back. Why would you when you have her? Give me a taste and then let me alone. Always, alone. Dreaming of the way we were or never had the chance to be. Remembering things you said. Remembering promises you made. Remembering the way you made me feel and the hole you gave me when you walked away. I feel pathetic you know. The way I still miss you. Even then you deprive me of feeling. Making me feel guilty for caring this much. Because, it's obvious you never did.

You're all the same. Ignite my heart with your charm. Falling I go for your false promises. Pretend you are going to give me the world. Make believe we will live, happily, forever, or something of the sort. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work? Well, time has told me I'm not good enough to stick around for. I'm the girl you manipulate. I'm the girl you use to find your way. I'm the girl you want until you find the one you need. Next time, could you give me a sign?

I think about the things you said to me. They try to disrupt the happiness I have found again. They get in the cracks of normalcy and dare me to break down. They taunt me. They haunt me. They won't let me alone. Not like you did. It would be foolish to believe someone as wonderful as you could just disappear completely. You left a mark, boy. You branded me. You left a scar. Glazed over and starting to fade, but still visible to the looking eye. Eyes that tear at nothing because they're used to it. Because, crying is a part of who I am. Numb would be better. Still containing the capacity to feel, to feel this deep, must mean there is something left here. Here in this sewn up heart.

I hope he comes before they're gone. The pieces that aren't tainted. The pieces that still want to love. Those parts are growing smaller and I fear one day I will lose them. I'll lose them and never know what its like to fall for someone who vows to catch me. Who vows to catch me and follows through. Who takes over my dreams. Who infiltrates my thoughts. Who makes me believe in trusting again.

I want to lose the fear. I want to lose the nightmare. But, you, you won't let me.

I am.

I'm more complicated than you think. But, I'm also just a girl. Hoping someday to find a boy. To feel something I've never felt before. I'm just me.

I eat peanut butter in spoonfuls. I still sleep with the teddy bear I got when I was born. In case you're wondering, his name is Bear Bear. I hold him every night. Because, no one is here to hold me. I love almost every genre of music. Yes, my favorites fall under the Iron & Wine/ The Weepies / Mumford & Sons / Angus & Julia Stone - ish category. But, I always love Justin Bieber. and Miley Cyrus. and Taylor Swift. So, shoot me. I'm addicted to coffee. I blame it on my mom allowing me to have a latte every morning my junior and senior year of high school. Old habits die hard. I have a fear of commitment. My friends tell me I'm small/skinny/what have you. I know I'm not fat, but some days I feel so fat I can hardly stand it. Everyone is entitled to have self-image issues. Even me.

I write because I have to. Not because I think anyone cares. I like to read for fun. Being an English major is killing that. Sometimes, I think it's killing my creativity too. I love my family. I appreciate them more when I'm away from them. So much that it hurts. I love taking pictures. I wish I was better at it. I want to get good at playing guitar. I miss singing. I miss singing for people. I miss the people who used to call. Or at least, call me back. College brings you new friends. Great friends. But, some of the old ones just can't be replaced. I love running. I love running in the rain. In high school, I would never go on sports bra runs. Now, I could care less. Nine in the morning is still too early. Night is my friend.

At home, I'm a beer girl. Here, I pick wine up from the liquor store. Maybe it feels classier. Maybe it's about the calorie thing. Maybe I just like it. I love tuna. Someone once told me it contains a lot of mercury. Mercury is bad when you're pregnant. I better find a new favorite food before that day comes. I like cuddling on couches. During movies. Watching the stars. I hate cuddling in bed. Every day, God amazes me. I love God. I try to live for Him. I want to live for Him. Often, I fail miserably. I will always love snail mail. There's something about opening a card that's personal and real. I love the color black. No, I'm not emo.

I wonder what would happen if I died tomorrow. What heaven is like. How awesome it would be to see God and lost loved ones. I think about people I would leave behind. I think about what those people would make of the things I write - things that no one has ever seen. When I die, I want Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice to be played at my funeral. I love roses. No matter how cliche that is. I'm a hopeless romantic. Probably always will be. Cheesy things get to me, as long as they're not overdone. Too much makes it cheap. Genuine sweetness is better enjoyed in bits.

I'm messy to an extent. I let things pile up to the point when I can't handle it anymore. And then, I have a relaxing and refreshing cleaning session. I feel like it's more rewarding when you can see a huge difference between the beginning and the end. Hopefully that attitude will change before I get married. If, I get married. I'm stubborn. I like to figure things out on my own. I love the outdoors. I have to live somewhere close to mountains and forests and rivers. I have to live where God's beauty is laid out like a picture. Not clouded by buildings and endless noise. I want to be free.

I graduate in less than seven months and I have no idea what I am going to do. I have seven months to "grow up" and I think I'm going to end up missing the boat. Maybe try something else. I have so many thoughts going on in my head and I can't control them. How do you choose? Burt's Bees is the best chapstick ever. I normally drive over the speed limit. I want four kids. I hate doing the dishes. Black and white photos are magical. I'm scared of choking to death. I have to wear boy shorts to bed. I want to make a difference. I want to write a book. I want to fall in love.

all you have to do is... listen.

At the end of last semester God put something on my heart. In the middle of a church service about God's calling I heard Him say - Biblical Counseling. Scared, excited, and confused I told only a couple of my closest friends at the time. Asking them to pray as I continued to seek God in this. through this. And, I told my mother, who actually works at a center for Biblical counseling. I went into the summer excited to see what God was going to do in my life. Where the summer was going to take in relation to growing closer to Him and seeking His purpose. To pursue this thought. To seek out counsel and clarfication. To see what this would even mean. I went into the summer needing God. wanting God. seeking God.

But, in the midst of the fire and the thirst for God, came the devil threatening to break apart my passion. To question what I was hearing. To throw hurdles in my way. Pain and broken expectations that made me question what God had been saying to me in the months prior. In the midst of that brokenness I started to lose it. That thirst. That clarity. On one hand, this summer was one of the most spiritual summers I have had since I have started college - thanks to a couple really great girls - but on the other hand, it contained the same temptations and traps that have been enticing me and bringing me down for years. I questioned my self-worth. I made decisions I shouldn't have. And I let my life get in the way of my focus on God. I put people and obligations above the One who mattered. And above searching the answers He was asking me to listen for.

Flash forward. Here I am. Back at school. Broken. Dealing with hurt. And pain. And questions. And once again, trying to understand God's grace, as I begin to pull myself back up to the place I was before. Back at school. Desiring God. More and more. Allowing myself to listen. Making time. And yet, new distractions present themselves... but today in church, I heard that small voice speak again. And while He convicted me of a few other things in my life that need consideration and reevaluation, He also opened my heart again to what He placed there so many months before. Biblical Counseling.

I had gotten a CD from one of the counselors where my mom works this summer - the first CD in the training series for counseling. I had met with him, and talked to him about where my heart was, and had been given the CD to listen to and see where God was taking me through it. Almost three months later, I finally listened. I think it was something I was putting off because I was scared. Or maybe because I wasn't ready to listen. Simple defiance. Or maybe, I really did need to wait until my heart was back in a place where I could recieve what I was going to hear.

God does that. Waits patiently for us to open our hearts to Him. Waits patiently while we make mistakes. Waits patiently while we fill our time with things other than Him. He waits. No matter how long it takes. To get our attention. To prick our hearts. To speak. And when we finally choose to get rid of all the clutter, or at least to take a moment and be silent before Him, He says... Listen. Hear my voice this time. Follow me. Let me show the amazing plan I have for you.

I'm still unsure where I go from here. But, God opened my heart tonight. Through His word. Through His voice. And through that CD. And, whether or not I follow that path, there is something I know now. I want more. Show me more. You have awakened my heart and my spirit and I want you to fill me. With whatever you have to offer. Wherever you lead. Because, You're all I need.

even the good things hurt.

They said it was time to say goodbye. But how do you say goodbye with so many hello's still resonating in your throat? Waiting to be spoken. They said it was time to say goodbye. And, now you are forced to swallow hard. Choke back the hello's you will never get a chance to say. At least, not today.

They said it was time to say goodbye. You hear the words but they don't seem to make sense in your mind. You can still see the face. You can still hear the voice. You can still replay the last conversation you had in your head. Real only yesterday. Yours, a part of you. Now, gone. They said it was time to say goodbye. You listen but you don't react. Not yet.

Once you face the music, you'll introduce a heartbreaking chorus that will never fade...

They tell you to remember the good times. The memories. The laughter. The moments that only you witnessed. The things that no one else knew. The conversations you shared. They tell you to remember the good times. But even the good things hurt. And healing takes time. You've been here before. And it doesn't get easier. Time doesn't heal wounds. Instead, the pain just seems to pile on top of each other until you're sure you'll be buried alive. They tell you to remember the good times. But, how do you do that when you're struggling to simply keep breathing.

They tell you to remember the good times. Easier said than done. And where do you go from here? Every day, from here on out, will never be the same. A piece of you is gone. A part of your identity stripped away without even a reasonable explanation.

Death came. Death came to steal a life. Death won.

They tell you there is more than just this life. Death may have won the battle, but God wins the war. And with the victory He brings to you a purpose. A reason. Even if you can't see it. Even if it doesn't make sense. Even though it's not today, there will still be a hello you have yet to say. God was ready to have His child back in arms. And your time here is not complete.

So live on, and remember this. It's not goodbye. Only, see you later. And hope is not lost. If anything, God has given you more hope than you can ever imagine - the promise of eternal life, forever, joined together with the ones you have lost, the ones you will see again someday.

They said it was time to say goodbye. So say it, for now. Until you meet again.

To be an Agnostic.

Just answer me this: Why do you believe that God exists? What proof is there? Who is to say that your religion, your Christianity, is right? You would believe me if I said invisible Jesus was sitting here next to me, but what about Superman, what about Muhammad, what about Santa Clause? I just want answers. I just want you to give me evidence that tells me God exists. Show me evidence. Show me proof. I'm standing at the door, knocking as hard as I can, and no one answers. I'm seeking, but I'm not finding. I used to know what I believed and now I'm lost somewhere between theology and religion and science, trying to fit together the pieces, to find my place again.

I wish I could show you what I see. Every day when I wake up and realize that I'm still breathing. Or driving towards the Colorado mountains for the millionth time and still staring in awe at what lays before me. Sit with me and stare at the sunrise. Watch two dozen roses bloom before your eyes as they sit in the sun on a six hour drive. Watch children play. Walk into a neverending forest and contemplate all the creatures you can't even see, that you probably don't even know exist. Think of how your legs move and your muscles work without even a command. Stare into the face of someone you love and then tell me: How can there not be a God?

I live for myself. And the people around me. I live for my girlfriend. And my dog. And my job. And my family. I live to be happy and to make an impact on those around me. I live to seek the truth. I live to seek answers. To be compassionate. To care. I live because I'm here. And when my life ends, that will be it. I will cease to exist. I will die and that will be all. No soul. No afterlife. No pain. Just a life well lived. And people will think of me, from time to time. But eventually I will be forgotten. And all that I was will cease to be. And, that's okay with me. You could live for a God your whole life, but if you're wrong. Then what was the point?

I live everyday of my life trying to figure out something new. I live for me. I live for the people around me. I live for my family. I live for my aspirations and goals. But, most of all, I live for God. Because God is the one who has taken care of everything in my life. God is the one who saves me when I don't deserve it. God is the one who has shown me what it means to love, to forgive, to care. At the end of the day, when no one else is there to hold my hand, and the rest of the world has decided to continue on with their own selfish desires... God is always there. I will never regret living my life for a Creator who has filled me with complete happiness and joy, who has shed light on my darkness, and who has healed my brokenness. If, at the end of my life, I was wrong... I will still know that I lived a full and complete life centered on someone other than myself. For a purpose - to follow, to serve, to surrender, to trust, to praise - no matter what. And, not for anyone else. Only for Him. Because, I'm not wrong.

Christianity is full of rules and regulations centered around a bunch of institutions that often times want nothing more than to just make money. To better their own causes. To build bigger churches. To get new equipment. Is it even to better the people? I won't deny that Christianity does things for people. It gives them a reason to hope. It gives them happiness. It gives them motivation and it makes them feel good about themselves. Religion doesn't stand for the things that world hates, so in that regard, I guess it's an okay thing. But, does that make it right? All the rules. All the hypocrisy. All the criticism. All the - you can do this, but don't do that. A lot of those institutions are wrong. A lot of those institutions don't even line up, so where is the truth?

The truth is this. God is eternal. He exists in and of Himself. He was there in the beginning of everything. God is the ultimate reality. Without Him, there is no truth. He is in complete control. He brings life out of chaos and despair, and He deals with darkness in a personal way. The rules and regulations are not important. That's not what it's about. It's not about religion, and it's not about an institution. It's about a full on relationship with God - one on one. We were created to worship God. And we grow as individuals by seeing God who is. He sent Jesus to the Earth to experience separation from Him so that we would never have to. Ask questions. Dive in. Dig deep. But ultimately, live by faith. It's not about seeing to believe, it's about trusting in what we cannot see, trusting that God is more real than anything else we will ever encounter.

I walk alone. Without a god. Just trying to figure out what it all means, just trying to find the answers. Will I ever get there?

In the beginning, the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. He was the source of life, and that life was the light for humanity... never to be put out.

It's You.

Turn me around. Pick me up. Undo what I've become. Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace. I need you. I need your help. I can't do this myself. You're the only one who can undo what I've become.

I have a secret. (or two). I can't tell you. I can't bring myself to speak it aloud. I can't even write it down. I've tried. And, I will keep trying. One day, I will speak the truth. Even if it is only to myself. Even if it is only the blank pages who hear it. And then maybe, someday, someone will find it. Someone will read it. And it won't have to be a secret anymore. I'll have to face it. But, not today. Today I am still the girl who has one (or a few) secrets. Trying to take steps toward the only one who knows. Who may ever know.

And, it's comforting. To know that God knows. That He hears the things I leave unsaid. That He reads between the lines in my journal. That He can see into my heart. Because, without saying anything, I say everything. And, He hears it all... as He reaches out His hand to bring me back into His arms. Sometimes, I try to ignore it and fight it. But, at the end of the day, when all you really want is someone... knowing the someone of all someone's is holding you in His arms is pretty hard to resist.

this is morning.

I normally wake up at the last possible minute, so as not to give up any of my precious sleep time. I swear I could sleep all day... nestled in the warm little corner of my bed, the beep of my alarm clock is like a wake-up call to reality that I don't want to answer. But, I decided to do things differently this morning. Wake up a little earlier. And instead of rushing to get coffee from Starbucks on the way to class, I made my own. And now I have a half hour to spare and I am sitting upright in my cozy little bed, large cup of coffee in hand and raisin toast by my side. I've said it all before, but I'll say it again. Life is about the little things. Moments like these. Enjoying a few simplicities of life, and just taking the time to breathe. I've been trying to do that a lot lately. Just breathe. Always, breathe.

There are always obligations - assignments and things you should be doing, things you could be doing, but in reality, they always get done. Even if it is at the last minute, even if they don't get done ahead of time. I'm going to be responsible but I'm also going to live my life and enjoy it. It's my last year of college. Reality check! And more than just the potential of a real job and "growing up" - moving away to wherever that may entail, I realize the end of something else is drawing near. More than just the end of my days in the education system. This is my last year to enjoy the college life - living with other people, doing random things at the spur of the moment, staying up too late and sleeping in too late, just because you can. Ordering pizza at ten. Running to get a movie when homework should be done. Going out and acting crazy. Because, you're a student, and it's not time to grow up yet. At least - not completely.

I love my friends. Already in the past three weeks I have been realizing how amazing God is by placing me here. I can't imagine still being in Mankato, Minnesota. Sure - there are people I miss, certain aspects. But, on a whole, nothing like it is here. My friends are amazing people. I am so blessed to have met godly Christian girls who can share in the serious things of life, and at the same time, are up for being a little irresponsible from time to time. And everything is so close! This weekend we went to Fort Collins two nights in a row. And then, Sunday, when I should have been doing my homework - my roomie Ruth and I hopped in the car and headed to Boulder for a hike. How awesome is that!? Mountains to climb less than an hour away. I'm in love. : )

And so I sit here, now enjoying my second cup of coffee, and thanking God for all the blessings He has given me. With my eyes set on Him, I am ready to see what this year has in store, as well as, where I will be heading in the future. I am blessed. I am happy. I am a child of God. And starting more often - I'm going to try and enjoy what the mornings have to bring!

Yes, God.

What do you WANT more than everything? If life didn't give you conditions, or rules, or obstacles... what would you want to do? who would you want to be with? what would you want to accomplish? what would you want to own? who would you want to be? There are so many questions and so many possibilities. So many options and not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough desire. Not enough courage. There is always something holding us back. Someone standing in our way. But that doesn't make the question invalid. Ask yourself... what do you WANT? Really. Truly. Deeply.

Now as yourself this question: What does God WANT for you? If you could listen clearly to His voice what would He be telling you... where would He call you... to who would He lead you... what fear would He ask you to conquer? And, more so, does what you want correspond to what He wants for you? So often we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and our own dreams that we don't stop and listen. We don't take the time to seek guidance, to seek counsel from the One who knows the answer before we even ask the question. His desire is more than just a WANT, it's a desire, a heartfelt attempt to provide you with the best life you could possibly imagine... if only you let Him. He is burning with a passion to hold you. to guide you. to direct you. That is more than anything you could ever dream of. A love so strong it can make the impossible, possible.

And you know what's even cooler? When God places a desire in your heart so that what you want is the exact thing that God wants for you. To be on the same page with God... to listen to Him and to seek Him... He makes the desires of your heart in tune with Him. And that is better than anything else you could possbily want! Because it comes with the blessing of the Father. It comes with support. It comes with guidance. It comes with the hope that no matter what... God has a plan. And He will provide, whatever you need to make it to the next step. He is faithful. He will fill you. He make you whole. He will give you peace that this is right... whatever it is.

Let Him take your wants and make them His. See what happens. See where He leads you. Let Him hold you close and give you the strength to make it. To accomplish your dreams. To get what you want. What He wants. With Him, you can do it. You can make it.

making lists.

I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3: 13 - 14

To say that life is full of the unexpected would be a waste of breath. To go into detail about how things change, how people change, how you change would reiterate everything we already know. To discuss the way life never goes as you plan would simply bring to the surface all the moments we are still trying to figure out. We are all forced to accept the unexplainable. For, life never goes as you planned, and you never know what is going to happen next...

In my life, I have run across a variety of experiences that have taught me things about myself and the world. Some of those experiences I have entered into, knowingly deciding what I wanted for myself and taking the initiative to move forward in the right direction. I consciously made decisions that I knew would impact my life for the better, no matter how difficult that was, or no matter how many people questioned my motives. We all have dreams. We all have goals. And, when we really believe in ourselves - We possess the power to reach out and step towards what it is we hold so dear, what we want so badly. I have ambition. I have faith. I have hope. And most importantly - I am not alone. Jesus says, let me guide your feet and I will direct your path. So as I travel foward, I walk alongside someone who knows the answer, even when I don't. Who believes in me, even when I don't. Who sees the good, even when I don't.

There are things I used to promise myself I would never do. A list of "never-have-I-ever's" that I was holding on to for dear life, for a variety of reasons. Maybe simply to be different, to be certain to not dissolve into the norm of what everyone else is doing. Maybe because of my morals. Maybe because of a desire to hold onto pieces of myself and the world. Maybe because I didn't see the point. Maybe because I didn't want to. But as you get older, that list of things starts to get smaller and it starts to change. You start compromising what you thought you wanted for other people. You give a little here and a little there, until it's uncertain whether the things you now want are because you have changed, or because people have made you change. Perhaps, it's a little bit of both. One day you wake up and realize almost all the things you said you'd never do are now just a part of a past you are forced to accept, forced to forget. You see innocence and naivety slipping away, and suddenly maturity and experience are taking its place. You have gained wisdom, whether you wanted it or not. You learn something new, because you have to.

The thing I have yet to accept is how to let go of all the lists. The list of what I never wanted. The "never-have-I-ever's" that have become "I-have-already's". The list of regrets. The list of things I expect from myself. The list of things I want to become. The list of rules. The list of names - people who have left, people who have pieces of who I am, people who influenced me in ways I never wanted. The list of things to do with people that will now never happen - lists I can't seem to get out of my head. My mind is full of lists - they haunt me. They judge me. They laugh at me. They tell me I can't, that I won't, that I've already screwed up. They tell me people leave. They tell me people disappoint. They tell me I will never be loved. But, these are not the lists that matter.

There is only one list that matters. A list of all the promises that Jesus Christ gives me, and gives you, through His death on the cross. A list that can never be erased or changed by people or taken away. A list that remains, in spite of all the things that don't. It tells me that the other lists don't matter. It tells me I am more than the sum of past mistakes. I am more than what people make me to be, or try to tell me that I am. Because what I am is - a child of God. What I am is - forgiven. What I am is - unconditionally loved and covered by His grace. What I am is who Christ is through me. I belong to Him, I am His and He is mine. To Him - all the other lists are insignificant. All that matters is that I continue to seek Him. That I surrender all the lists that bring me down and let Him lift me up.

I tear up lists in the name of the Father. In a process that will take the rest of my life, I continue to surrender everything that threatens to hold me back in order to pursue a relationship with the One who loves me no matter what. I try to understand what He has given me every day so that I may lay my mistakes, my past, and my hesitation at His feet - in order to live every day with a renewed hope and purpose. Living for Him. Making a list of all the reasons why I follow Him, why I love Him, why I truly believe there is no other way to live than through a belief in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He is, and He will always be. What else matters more than that?

illusion.

it barely takes anything and i feel it all come rushing back. like the taste of a listerine pocketpak, hauntingly strong yet, somehow refreshing. just to know its still there. the lingering illusion of what once and what will never be. there is a single memory frozen. attached to the present that has triggered this moment. it's all there. i feel my body filling with air i can't release. crushing me. and all i can do is sit and reflect. close my eyes and envision what never was. replay the scenarios that have started to fade. just to keep them. just to hold on a little longer. just to imagine there is a reason to keep believing.

whoever said daydreams were foolish never saw this. never felt this. drifting off to sleep and feeling it again... no longer alone.

there are places i remember.

there are places i remember... places in time. places in my mind. places i've gone. places i've imagined. places with her or him or them. places i hold onto. places i try and forget. there are places i remember... places that make up who i've been, who i am, and who i have yet to become.

i remember being young and pretending to be cinderella. when barbies could occupy an entire day. playing boys chase girls. having water fights. riding bikes around the neighborhood until dark. i remember when the best part of summer was camping (devoid of alcohol or the opposite sex)... even if that meant in setting up a tent in the backyard with your best girlfriend. there are places i remember... full of innocence and dreams and imagination, a time when i knew nothing but believed everything. i never went far but somehow i still felt like i could conquer the world.

i remember things. a song plays on the radio and it triggers something inside of me... sometimes a place i can't even find again, but somehow, i know it's there. it's playing through my speakers and in my heart. and then that emotional place comes, where you feel like you're missing something, but at the same time feel as if you've rediscovered an old friend. love and loss. friendship and change. there are places i remember... full of people i will never forget. people that are unaware of how much they've changed my life. i will hold on to a piece for forever. pieces of my favorite places - stashed in my mind. written on my heart. speaking now as, me. there are places i remember... places where someone became a part of me. i am an individual, but i am not alone.

i remember conversations. exact phrases. entire sentences. i remember words because of how they made me feel, how they still make me feel. i replay them in my head... hoping not to lose them. perhaps, hoping to learn something new. to find something deeper behind the surface. to get to know someone. to dive in without caring to come up for air. there are places i remember... where we sat as we spoke. car rides. and bike rides. campfire visits and late night chats on the couch. talking on the phone until your ear burns. chatting online till the wee hours of the morning... just to connect. just to know someone is there, that someone wants to listen. there are places i remember... and words that go along with them. sad or joyful. hurtful or encouraging. humorous or somber.

i remember thinking that college would never come. i remember thinking that college would never end. the 'real world' was simply an illusion - full of parents and old people, a place that would take forever to reach. there are places i remember... the feeling of uncertainty and uneasiness at the thought of growing up. i remember it, because it is now. the place of decision and responsibility. the place i would like to post-pone. the place i am going has yet to make itself known. and i stand on the brink of opportunity i find myself wishing for a place of the past. when time stretched ahead like a never-ending ocean, with me, slowly swimming towards a shore that would never come. there are places i remember... i would drown myself in the past, only for another moment to see clearly the place that i belong. i'm holding on. i'm letting go. i'm hesitant, yet ready to fly.

there are places i remember... and there are places i have yet to know.

when love comes.

there's nothing better than this
simplicity and stillness
awakening sounds of the soul.
a quiet night and open sky.

take a walk with me,
along the beaten path,
beneath the trees.
i'll show you my home.
i'll show my heart.

there's things no one knows
wrapped up in words,
i've only spoken to myself.
do you hear it?
the sound of possibility...

i want to fall in love, here.
away from all the noise and
surrounded by the beauty,
of our loving creator.

here, is serenity.
here, is a chance.
here, is a beginning.

5 miles with a yellow butterfly.

How does one become a butterfly? You have to want to learn to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar. - Trina Paulus

Running is one of those things I will always do. always love. always enjoy... It doesn't matter what kind of day I've had or how I feel or what's going on in my life - running is something I can always do. Something I want to do. Just me. My shoes. The open road/sidewalk/trail (what have you). Sometimes an ipod, sometimes not. Just me against the world. For as long as I want, for as long as it takes. Something happens when I go for a run. It's more than exercise. It's more than me feeling better about myself, about my body, about my health. It's more than a habit. It's an escape... It's breathing... It's a release and a relief.

On days when I don't take my ipod, which honestly is more often than not, I am alone with my thoughts, but I am also alone with the world. Open and listening to anything that may come into my mind. When I run... I feel the beauty of God, all the wonder of His creation surrounding me and the mere ability He blessed me with. Running is a blessing. One tiny little thing in the middle of an extraordinary long day, a painful day, a normal day, or even a good day... but one tiny thing that lets me know its all going to be okay. Yesterday, I ran. Just like any other day, but something happened.

There I was, along one of my favorite paths... this old road called Moon Meadows, barely any traffic... houses but also... meadow and horses and nature all wrapped into one. Along the side of the road there is all this overgrown grass, and about a mile into my run I noticed this yellow butterfly flying in front of me. I didn't think much of it at first but I kept seeing it. Flying a few feet in front of me as if to say - "You got this. Follow me. I'm right here leading the way." It would disappear now and again, but it would without fail, return. I reached the half-way point devoid of the yellow butterfly and feeling very weary... but 800 meters later there it was again... now, I am well aware that this could have been a different yellow butterfly... but there, in that moment, it was inspiring. This little yellow butterfly sticking out the course ahead of me, flying along without a care in the world, and somehow pushing me to continue on... I could only think of one thing: Hope.

God put a yellow butterfly in my path. He put a yellow butterfly in my path to tell me that everything was going to be okay. Have hope, Kari. Have hope in Me, the Father, Your Father. Have hope that you are going to make it through... this run, this day, these struggles, this life. I'm right here. I'm ahead of you. I've already marked out your path. I'm not going to leave you. You just have to have hope. You just have to have faith... It's easy to forget. It's easy to go about the day and leave God out of it... to take advantage of His love, to take advantage of His promise to always be there. To let Him fall to the wayside because you know, when you decide to listen again, when you decide to follow Him again, He will still be there... It's easy to ignore the little things, to not see them for what they really are, signs that God is a part of everything. Always. And Forever.

God put a yellow butterfly in my path yesterday to remind that He's here - holding out His hands and leading me towards His perfect plan. He gave me a sign of hope. In the midst of everything that life throws at you... What has God given you?

to an extraordinary girl.

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still have to believe this is a beautiful place...

underneath all the garbage, there is a treasure waiting to be found. There is always more than meets the eye. You just have to look a little longer, harder. And, if you are willing to wait - people will surprise you. The world will surprise you. There are always mountains to be climbed. But you have to hold on. You have to believe. Believe in second chances. Believe in brand new days. Believe in adventure, and chance, and fate. Believe that love exists. More than that, that one day, love will come and find you - find you and never leave. Do not give up hope. When the game of love has dealt you a losing hand... keep playing. Your broken heart will eventually mend. Shed tears. Get angry. Scream. Do what you have to do. But, at the end of the day, remember to smile. Forgive and forget. You are stronger than everyone who tries to bring you down - who hurts you. who lies to you. who makes promises that are never kept. who makes you feel insignificant. Don't let them push you down. Keep shining vibrantly. Allow yourself to start over. Give yourself new beginnings. Take a day just for you. Do something out of the ordinary. Take a risk. Remember to laugh. Go crazy. Dance in the rain. Open your eyes and see all the beauty the world has to offer. More than that, open your heart to whatever comes your way, whoever comes your way.


It doesn't have to be you against the world. When you feel like you can't make it, when you want to stop trying, when you want to stop caring - Remember that God is bigger than anything that comes your way. He can heal your pain. He can take away your heartache. He can wipe away your tears. When you are weak, He is strong. Let Him fill you with joy again. Let Him show beauty. Let Him give you hope. Let Him give you love. Hear Him when He says: "You are beautiful. You are irreplaceable. Nothing you can do will ever make me stop loving you. Have faith, my child. Everything I promise to give you - I will never take away. I will always be here. To hold you. To listen. To speak words of encouragement. To walk by your side - wherever you go, through anything you encounter, in the face of all those who come against you. Pray, and I will answer. Believe, and I will invite you in. Live for me, and I will shower you with more than you could ever imagine. You are not alone. I am here. I have always been here."

Live and let go... or live and let God (be your everything).

maybe, in the future...

... you're going to come back.

Sometimes, God brings you sunshine. He brings you beauty to fill you with joy. to make you smile. to fill your life with a blessing that you will remember long into the future. Sometimes, God brings you sunshine... and then that sunshine fades. It is not because God loves you any less. It is not because He is a mean God, a hurtful God. It is simply because God has something greater planned for your life. A sunrise to come that will surpass anything you have ever seen.

Sometimes, it doesn't make sense. God takes away things in your life that make you happy, that make your days brighter, that make you smile, that make you feel whole. He takes away your sunshine, and you don't why. It doesn't make sense. And it hurts. And sometimes, its unexplainable... sometimes, no matter how much you trust God, you still can't see why. But, if it wasn't meant to be, you have to trust that God has someone better for you. And, He knows your heart. He is holding it in His hands. He's not going to throw it away, He's not going to let it break. You have to trust Him. You have to have faith. You have to love God first. You have to put Him first. Seek Him, and someday... He will place someone in your life who won't leave. Someone who will love you and never let go.

See the lost loves and lost chances as gifts. God has a reason for everything. It's only a matter of letting Him show you what that reason is. See the beauty. See the happiness. See the memories. Reflect upon and smile - for what they taught you. For how they helped you grow up. For showing you new things. Nothing is ever lost, it's simply a road bump on the journey to a destination that only God knows. And He will show you - in time, with patience, with trust.

This is one of those moments. One of those moments when you're standing in the rain. Soaked to the bone. Not caring if you get sick. Not trying to move. You're standing in the rain and you're numb. All you can do is stand there and pray that someone comes to save you, to bring you inside, to warm you up again. This is one of those moments. You're standing in the rain and you can't see. You close your eyes. You don't know where to go, and you really don't care to try. And then, something wonderful happens. You feel the rain lessen upon your skin. You feel a ray of warmth. You open your eyes. And, that's when you see it... a beautiful rainbow. And then you know. This is one of those moments. God is saying, 'Have hope. I promise it will be okay.'