You know. always, You know.

You have wrecked me helpless. You have rendered me weak. You have spoken to me and I have fallen. Fallen on my knees, completely in awe of how marvelous you are. The music plays and the tears come, no matter how hard I try to hold them back. I let go and I see it all. All the brokenness I keep holding onto. Everything I have kept hidden, to try and let it fade, to try and make it go away. You fill me and suddenly I am without any sort of control. No longer can I hold it in. No longer can I let it go. God, you break me. You make me weak in order to rely on your strength. And here I am, sitting on my knees trying to figure out where to start. What to give you. Heal me in pieces. Heal me as I surrender to you all the bits of my brokenness. Give me the strength to face it. To let you have it all.

Do you know I still see him in my dreams? I can hear him talking to me sometimes. He repeats the phrases I never wanted to hear, and in the same breath I remember all the words he said to make me smile. I see him, God. I see him and I remember how happy I was... and how that compares to how I am now. Do you know how much it hurts, God? To know that someone walked into your life and right back out again... the moment was so brief, that I never had a chance to say thank you. Now, instead, I am harboring all these feelings of hurt and broken expectations, confusion and simply the loss of a friend. Will you help me let Him go, God? Help me appreciate what You did through that friendship instead of focusing on the loss of it...

Do you know that I look in the mirror and see inadequacy? I see parts of myself that are "too big", "not toned enough" and "not like hers..." My friends call me skinny, but I can't see why. I don't feel skinny. I can run five miles and eat healthy, and I still don't feel skinny. I know its a lie. As my mother would say, that's a lie of Satan and I shouldn't believe it. I know what the truth is. The truth is that I was created in your image, and that to You, I'm perfect. And, that's all that matters. But it still doesn't mean I don't struggle with my self image from time to time. Fill me with You so that You're enough. I want to look and the mirror and see what you see - perfectly and wonderfully made. Make me feel whole again.

Do you know how scared I am about my future? Sometimes it makes me so stressed I feel like getting sick. Othertimes, I am so nonchalant about it, and that scares me... the lack of caring. I want to know what to do. What You want me to do. I have spent four years studying English, going into it I didn't know what I wanted to do. All I knew is that I loved reading and writing, I had four years to figure out the rest. Well, here I am God and I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. Sometimes I think I know. I get really excited about certain occurences or moments with You and I feel like I'm moving down the path. But then I second guess myself. Lead me God. Lead me to where you want me to be. To serve you.

Do you know how often I can't fall asleep? Even now I sit up listening to the only songs that make me feel calm and write my heart out because it's better than laying my head down on the pillow and thinking about all the things I try to keep out during the day. I can't sleep because my mind becomes so filled with my supressed emotions and possible scenarios that I become overwhelmed and anxious. I can't make it stop. I can't make them go away. I think about the what-if's, I think about the could-have-been's, I think about the wish-I-had-never's, I think about all the things, and all the people, I miss. The empty holes in my life are brought to life at night, and I don't know how to fill them. I don't know how to shut them up...

You are speaking to me. With words undercover and those in the open. You are speaking directly to me through the people you have placed in my life and the words you allow me to hear, the music you infiltrate into my soul. Today, You wrecked me. Both in the morning and in the evening you have poured into me Your love, and I find myself reciprocating with tears I can't explain. I feel you, God. I know you're there. I know you hear this. I know you hear me. Even when I don't say it. You know my heart. You know every anxious thought. You see every nightmare. I'm asking you to take it all. Wreck me, and then fill me with your strength. Cover me with your grace. Surround me with your love. I need you, more of you. I need you now.