creeping where it is not expected…
hidden behind that trusting face, those loving hands. behind words filled with hope, and a soft spoken voice… it lurks.
teasing from within a clear glass bottle, whispering of so much promised fun, it threatens to break down and destroy.
from the computer during the late hours of the night, alone and wanting, it comes after those who give in where they are weak. to things that lead to destruction.
within the mind thoughts start to form. impure. lustful. desiring. leading nowhere but towards pain, and hurt. for those thoughts direct to nothing but harm.
anger builds up over time until it explodes, injuring anything that is in its path. tearing apart the innocent and caring, it has no mercy.
there is no one who is safe. and there is nowhere to hide…
it is like a lion creeping in the shadows after its prey. watching. waiting. patiently hiding until that moment. the moment where it leaps out, taking its victim from behind, leaving it barely any chance to escape or survive.
it is that one person giving enough good reasons to keep on pushing the limits. making excuses over and over. for after all how bad could it be? the boundaries keep moving farther back to make room for compromise. yet in this situation, compromise should be feared.
it is that small voice inside thats called your conscience – that you choose to ignore. to leave behind for something better, more enjoyable… even if it is temporary and fleeting. when we feel like we need “something more”… we neglect all prior red flags to find it.
catching us when we least expect it. coming from behind in our weakest moments. threatening to destroy at every opportunity. willing for us to fail.
SIN.
October 31, 2007
October 21, 2007
life changes
"everyone says that there are three words that when said to you, will change your life completely. and in my case this is totally true. three words that i never would have thought i would be hearing. no i'm not talking about some sappy teenage love story; as much as i wish i was. i'm talking about my aunt; the three words that changed her life, my life, and the lives of everyone around us, forever. "she has cancer""
when i feel like i am living a normal life, and that i have accepted the ways things are, and that i am in control of my emotions and the way the subject of my aunt karen makes me feel... something happens to remind me things will never be the same. my mom recently called to tell me that she doesn't want to be home for thanksgiving... the only thing i had been looking forward to lately. i'm struggling a little here trying to find places and people that provide me with the kind of encouragement i need... and coming home was like a light at the end of the tunnel.
but she doesn't want to be home for the first thanksgiving without my aunt. we all always spent thanksgiving together. me, mom, dad, brother, aunt, uncle, grandpa, and grandma. and it was always at our house. karen and danny always made the pumpkin pies from scratch. they were amazing. two old-fashioned kind (with lots of spices) and two regular flavored. i'm really gonna miss that... it will never be the same and i totally understand why my mom is struggling with staying home right now. thanksgivings, christmas's, birthdays... summer nights where we used to spend playing cards, picking raspberrys... will never be the same again. and each next reminder, seems harder than the last. and with it come the tears.
i hung up with my mom and spent a good half an hour of more bawling. each time i thought the tears were ending they just fell harder and harder. you might realize how much a person means to you when they are in your lives, but you realize it a hundred times more when they're gone. suddenly you see how much they impacted your life in so many little ways, and how that absence makes things so hard.
every day i miss her. i look at my tattoo and think about her kindness, her smile, her laughter, her gentle hands, her comforting hugs, her jokes... i go to a store and something reminds me of her. i drive down the street and see two ladies walking and think of her and my mom and how they used to walk together all the time. i have to skip over the pages in my scrapbook most days otherwise the tears come. i read the bible and think of how much she loved the lord. i went to a lutheran service tonite... i used to go to church with her on occasion and the service reminded me of those times. i will never stop thinking about her. i will always carry a part of her with me. always and always. until i see her again someday... she will continue to impact my life. her spirit lives on and the kindness she brought to everyone will never be forgotten.
seven months and seven days you have been gone... and the hurt is a lot of the times still as fresh as all those months before you passed (nights i fell asleep crying, as we watched you slowly slip away) and the weeks after. you left a huge hole in my heart when you left. but i am thankful for all the memories i shared with you over the years, and as time goes on i will continue to play them over and over in my head and smile. thank for being such an amazing, caring, loving person. and such a great influence in my life. i know you are watching over me, and all of those you love right now... and i know you're having an amazing time in heaven worshipping the one you love the most. i miss you, but i'm glad you're in a better place with no more pain. i love you auntie karen, and i always will.
when i feel like i am living a normal life, and that i have accepted the ways things are, and that i am in control of my emotions and the way the subject of my aunt karen makes me feel... something happens to remind me things will never be the same. my mom recently called to tell me that she doesn't want to be home for thanksgiving... the only thing i had been looking forward to lately. i'm struggling a little here trying to find places and people that provide me with the kind of encouragement i need... and coming home was like a light at the end of the tunnel.
but she doesn't want to be home for the first thanksgiving without my aunt. we all always spent thanksgiving together. me, mom, dad, brother, aunt, uncle, grandpa, and grandma. and it was always at our house. karen and danny always made the pumpkin pies from scratch. they were amazing. two old-fashioned kind (with lots of spices) and two regular flavored. i'm really gonna miss that... it will never be the same and i totally understand why my mom is struggling with staying home right now. thanksgivings, christmas's, birthdays... summer nights where we used to spend playing cards, picking raspberrys... will never be the same again. and each next reminder, seems harder than the last. and with it come the tears.
i hung up with my mom and spent a good half an hour of more bawling. each time i thought the tears were ending they just fell harder and harder. you might realize how much a person means to you when they are in your lives, but you realize it a hundred times more when they're gone. suddenly you see how much they impacted your life in so many little ways, and how that absence makes things so hard.
every day i miss her. i look at my tattoo and think about her kindness, her smile, her laughter, her gentle hands, her comforting hugs, her jokes... i go to a store and something reminds me of her. i drive down the street and see two ladies walking and think of her and my mom and how they used to walk together all the time. i have to skip over the pages in my scrapbook most days otherwise the tears come. i read the bible and think of how much she loved the lord. i went to a lutheran service tonite... i used to go to church with her on occasion and the service reminded me of those times. i will never stop thinking about her. i will always carry a part of her with me. always and always. until i see her again someday... she will continue to impact my life. her spirit lives on and the kindness she brought to everyone will never be forgotten.
seven months and seven days you have been gone... and the hurt is a lot of the times still as fresh as all those months before you passed (nights i fell asleep crying, as we watched you slowly slip away) and the weeks after. you left a huge hole in my heart when you left. but i am thankful for all the memories i shared with you over the years, and as time goes on i will continue to play them over and over in my head and smile. thank for being such an amazing, caring, loving person. and such a great influence in my life. i know you are watching over me, and all of those you love right now... and i know you're having an amazing time in heaven worshipping the one you love the most. i miss you, but i'm glad you're in a better place with no more pain. i love you auntie karen, and i always will.
October 04, 2007
anybody
how do we reach the point of no return?
to that place that feels like every decision is wrong. the point where it seems people stop caring and you're left alone. where we can't even find the voice we should be listening for because we've ignored it for so long. it feels like we're running but we look back and we're exactly where we started. lost. confused. searching. hoping. here i am again. i feel like i'm always in this spot. pathetically stuck. i always lose my composure. my control. and who is there?
is anybody out there hearing me ???
to that place that feels like every decision is wrong. the point where it seems people stop caring and you're left alone. where we can't even find the voice we should be listening for because we've ignored it for so long. it feels like we're running but we look back and we're exactly where we started. lost. confused. searching. hoping. here i am again. i feel like i'm always in this spot. pathetically stuck. i always lose my composure. my control. and who is there?
is anybody out there hearing me ???
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