life changes

"everyone says that there are three words that when said to you, will change your life completely. and in my case this is totally true. three words that i never would have thought i would be hearing. no i'm not talking about some sappy teenage love story; as much as i wish i was. i'm talking about my aunt; the three words that changed her life, my life, and the lives of everyone around us, forever. "she has cancer""

when i feel like i am living a normal life, and that i have accepted the ways things are, and that i am in control of my emotions and the way the subject of my aunt karen makes me feel... something happens to remind me things will never be the same. my mom recently called to tell me that she doesn't want to be home for thanksgiving... the only thing i had been looking forward to lately. i'm struggling a little here trying to find places and people that provide me with the kind of encouragement i need... and coming home was like a light at the end of the tunnel.
but she doesn't want to be home for the first thanksgiving without my aunt. we all always spent thanksgiving together. me, mom, dad, brother, aunt, uncle, grandpa, and grandma. and it was always at our house. karen and danny always made the pumpkin pies from scratch. they were amazing. two old-fashioned kind (with lots of spices) and two regular flavored. i'm really gonna miss that... it will never be the same and i totally understand why my mom is struggling with staying home right now. thanksgivings, christmas's, birthdays... summer nights where we used to spend playing cards, picking raspberrys... will never be the same again. and each next reminder, seems harder than the last. and with it come the tears.
i hung up with my mom and spent a good half an hour of more bawling. each time i thought the tears were ending they just fell harder and harder. you might realize how much a person means to you when they are in your lives, but you realize it a hundred times more when they're gone. suddenly you see how much they impacted your life in so many little ways, and how that absence makes things so hard.

every day i miss her. i look at my tattoo and think about her kindness, her smile, her laughter, her gentle hands, her comforting hugs, her jokes... i go to a store and something reminds me of her. i drive down the street and see two ladies walking and think of her and my mom and how they used to walk together all the time. i have to skip over the pages in my scrapbook most days otherwise the tears come. i read the bible and think of how much she loved the lord. i went to a lutheran service tonite... i used to go to church with her on occasion and the service reminded me of those times. i will never stop thinking about her. i will always carry a part of her with me. always and always. until i see her again someday... she will continue to impact my life. her spirit lives on and the kindness she brought to everyone will never be forgotten.

seven months and seven days you have been gone... and the hurt is a lot of the times still as fresh as all those months before you passed (nights i fell asleep crying, as we watched you slowly slip away) and the weeks after. you left a huge hole in my heart when you left. but i am thankful for all the memories i shared with you over the years, and as time goes on i will continue to play them over and over in my head and smile. thank for being such an amazing, caring, loving person. and such a great influence in my life. i know you are watching over me, and all of those you love right now... and i know you're having an amazing time in heaven worshipping the one you love the most. i miss you, but i'm glad you're in a better place with no more pain. i love you auntie karen, and i always will.