i am not...

I sit here as if I can transfer my tears onto the computer. As if, the words that flow from my fingers will heal the pain that is always brushing the surface. The feelings I push down, hide from the view of others, making sure it appears like they don't exist. Here I am, surrounded by chaos and people I have only known for a few months, and I am thankful for them - but they're not the ones I want to run to. They are not my people. They are not my shoulder to cry on. They are not my comfort, my shelter, my strength. I guess its been here that I've had to realize that the only one who is with me all the time, who is all those things, is Jesus. And I'm clinging, so tightly, but I know I'm gonna fall. I always do - we all do. I just wish I had my people here, sometimes its so hard not to have the people around you who know you the best, who understand you when you're at your worst, who aren't going to judge for acting like a complete freak over something that really isn't such a big deal in the end. I want to be able to cry and not feel like I have to hide it. I want to let it all out. I want to have a break down. I want to scream.

I am not strong. In truth, I am doing a lot better spiritually then I have been for a long time, but I'm still struggling. I miss my Aunt, every day... and as the days get closer to it being one year with her gone, it seems like I can feel the pain rising back up as strong as it was right after it happened. I can't even believe its been a year. I can't believe she's been gone that long. I don't want to be that long. I want to remember her being here - and I feel like as time goes by the clarity of certain moments is starting to fade in my mind. The pain subsides - but it never, ever goes away. I go days without thinking about it, or if I do its fine, but then one day comes and so do the tears. I have a picture of her above my desk and I look at it and imagine seeing her again - just like that. I continue to get older, but she will always remain the way she was. I will always remember as the way she was then...

I like to pretend I'm over things, that I really should of been over a long time ago. I have a hard time letting go. I like to believe in second chances. That maybe it was I who did something wrong, and maybe I'll get another chance to prove I'm worth it. I hate not knowing what could of been. But I guess where I am now is what was supposed to have been. I just hate that sometimes. I like to pretend I don't care. I stay silent when I really should speak up and say - "hey what you're doing is really bothering me," but I don't. I did last week, twice actually, and stopped talking to me for a few days. I guess though its better to stick up for what you think then stay silent. I just got to do it. See what I mean - I'm not strong.

Its true when my friends say I'm emotional. I am. I'm definitely not ashamed of it though - its the way I am, its the way God created me. And its helped to create a lot of sweet stories/poems/etc! But sometimes it is frustrating. Sometimes I feel stupid for crying for no reason, for sitting at my computer listening to music and all of sudden starting to bawl. It comes when I don't even expect it. Sometimes its a few tears, sometimes its many. Its just the way I am. Its part of the way I deal with things, just as typing this out to read later is another way. Tears and words make me feel better, and so does some good soothing music, and maybe some chocolate. lol. but.

I am not strong. I do not have it all together, no matter how much it may appear that I do. No matter how many right decisions I make, there is probably at least one mistake or wrong decision to go along with it. I am not perfect. I am human. And I am living in a world where its a constant battle to stay on your feet. And thats why I'm clinging - thats why I'm holding to God. Holding fast to the one unchanging constant in my life. I would be no where on my own. I need God. I need my family. I need my friends. I am a needy person. And I'm okay with that. For I am beautifully and wonderfully made - I know that full well (imperfections and all)

Remember

These moments are merely memories
Etched into my brain,
Entertaining my thoughts,
time and time again.
I grasp ahold of them with force,
Fearful of forgetting a single detail.

A moment as simple -
as the bread and butter on the table
I was young and carefree
Monopoly board laid out
Oldies music on the radio.
Snow fell fast outside
And the air was cold -
hard to breathe in.
We laughed together,
joking, talking, smiling.
You were a hero in my eyes,
A home away from home.
I lived for weekends such as
these; comforted in your arms

Repitition gives way to clearful recongition,
and this is all I ask.
That your memory remain -
In my mind.
In my thoughts.
In my heart.
For even though you are gone,
You will continue to live on,
In my past, in my present, and
In my future.

Porcelain Prayer

She prays to the porcelain gods,
After every meal,
At every opportunity.
Her face is pale and her cheeks,
Are sunken in,
Her bones visible through her shirt.
She is crying.
Damn near close to dying.
If tears and love could heal her –
She would be free.
But her hope drains,
As the tears stream down her face.
All she knows is what she is.
A girl who is unhappy.
A girl with an addiction.
A girl who is unwilling to change.
No one can help her.
We sit here
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting…
For her to reach out and grab hold –
Of the ones who love her.
We are praying,
Wanting to save her.
Oh if only…
She is damn near breaking.
Porcelain shattered across the floor.