Just Run.

[Dedication: High School Ended. Our friendships didn't. So, this is for you.]

It's been three years. Three years, and we've all changed. Gradually. Suddenly. Obviously.

Do you remember sitting in the auditorium? Civic center, packed full of people. Dressed in identical blue gowns, and blue caps, sitting next to people we never knew, or cared to know... Our peers. Our friends. Our enemies. Our classmates. People we hoped we would never see again. People we wanted to hold on to forever. Behind us, were memories. In front of us, the unknown. Some, thought it was sad. Some, couldn't wait to leave fast enough. And as for us, we were ready for adventure. We were graduating. Finally. Summer was upon us. This wasn't the end, this was only the beginning.

Do you remember what they told us? Oh, the places you will go... on your own. Seperately, tread into the world. High School is over. This is the beginning of your future. Your own adventure. You will lose touch with your friends. But don't worry, you will make new ones. College is about new friends and new experiences. Remember the memories but don't dwell on them. Let go and make your way. Make a mark on the world. Embrace the unknown. Be who you want to be. Don't let anyone hold you back. Forge new paths. Friendships will fade... soon they will be only an emblem of what was, a symbol of the past. A smile to look back on. Be happy. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Well, it's been three years. And, we've all changed. But, somehow, we still find each other.

We find each other and it's the same again. Time passes, things change, but some things never change. Our friendships don't change. Jokes. Laughter. Random adventures. Conversation. Eating and drinking too much. Staying up late. Re-living the past. And, inviting each other into the present, sharing pieces of who we have become. And somehow, we still fit - together. There is no need to say goodbye, because every time is just the same... picking up, just as we left off. Never missing a beat. Never missing a moment. Living for now. Living it fully. Living to never forget. Anyway we run, we always find a way to run back. To run together again. Even for a moment. Even for a couple miles. We find a way. We always find a way. Will it always be this way?

It's been three years. Next year, graduation will come again for some. And, once again, we will be told things will change. Welcome, to the real world. Will this stop us? Or will we, year after year, find our way back to where it all begin. Back to the people who knew us then, and still know us now. Back to our origins. People who understand our past and believe in our future. Will we let go? Or, will we hold on? I want to believe we will.

Do you remember every moment we have shared? Sometimes I try to think back. But there are too many to count. There are too many to account for. Too many stories to tell. Too many memories to share. Too many pictures to recall. Too many pieces to fit together. All I know is this - We've had one hell of a time. We've defied the rules. We've pushed our bounds. We've pushed each other. We've lived - really lived. We never gave up. We never let a moment pass us by. And, if one day we run and find we are running in different directions... we will look back and know - we had teammates on the journey of life. Who pushed us. Who believed in us. Who brought us laughter. Who brought us joy. And because of them, we will run on... strong, and capable of achieving whatever we set out to do. We will run on, forever.

Do you remember? I do.

I travel back in time, sometimes. Back to where we were young and carefree and completely foolish. Falling for the more barren of promises. If only for something to hold onto.

A butterfly lands nearby and you hold it in the palm of your hand, but eventually, you have to let it go. Breathtaking colors exist, but how do you find them? They don't stay put. They are never in the same places. I saw a sunrise today, but tomorrow it will not return... indigo and crimson, amber and sapphire. The shattering image of the unexplainable, the unattainable. There is no pot of gold. There is no hidden treasure. Only the affirmation of an end. Always, an end. Forever, an end. Life begins, already knowing it will one day die.

I wanted to believe in the future. You told me I could. I let you touch me - body and soul. I can still feel your hands. I can still hear your words. Our bodies colliding. My trust growing. We spent a night beneath the stars, dancing alone in the night. Oh, how tenderly you sang. Oh, how I thought this would last. If only I had known, I could have missed the pain. But, then I would have missed the dance... forever, these images will play.

In the day, I hear the music. Songs without words. Speaking anthems without saying a thing. I hear it in everything around me. I hear it in the unseen. Melodies created out of nothingness. Emotional chords hidden in the air. An allure in the unspoken. Beauty found, simply, in hearing through the heart. Meaning in the silence. Finding what lies under the surface, finding the melody beneath the noise.

I wonder if you remember who I was that summer, who we were, together. Sometimes I still wonder, what we might have been. If only we had been given the chance. If only you had given me a chance. I let you in and you broke me. You abandoned me in the middle of a dream, and I came crashing down. I was deceived. You played me. You were just a boy. Just like the others. Only, I believed you weren't. I wanted you to be different. And, I never saw it coming...

In the night, there is a stillness. Darkness envelops and hides. Senses are heightened because the eyes cannot see what stands out there... waiting to be discovered. Waiting to reach out, and touch you when you least expect it. In the night, there is silence. In the night, there is serenity. There is the rushing calm that awakens, slows the breathing, and speaks to the heart. In the night, there are answers.

Now you are just a boy. A boy from my past. There have been boys after you, as there will continue to be. Attempted tries, lost loves, composing a list of "could-have-beens". With you at the top. Number one. The first to show me what it means to believe in the unattainable, with hopes that someday, someone will prove me wrong. You were just a stereotype. Just another boy, concerned with the live-in-the-moment. You were a beautiful sunrise. You faded. You were a song. You made me weep. But, you made me feel. You made me hear. You made me see. Truth.

Every morning, there is a sunrise. A signifier of hope. The invitation to another try. A beautiful surrender. Giving in to live again, always to live. A promise. Another day. Another song. Another love.

sweet reverie

I am lying down
dissolving into the facade.

Finding now the brazen hands
enfolding my nakedness
lips grazing the forbidden
and my desire meets You.

Again, forever, a cascade.

The heart, tranquil and
The body, awakened.

Together (pulsate), instigating
unspoken harmony, here,
we are, open and rapturous.

Be still and drift my love,
back there, to intimacy,
forsaken but never forgotten.

Conversation with the Devil.

I want to eat it. Don't eat it. But I'm hungry. Yeah, Hungry and Fat. I want to eat it. Make sure you throw it up afterwards. I will. I promise I will. I can do that now. It's easy. I told you it would be. I don't even have to stick my finger down my throat anymore. I know. I never knew it could be this way. Now do you get it? If you want something, do whatever it takes to get it. I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty. I want to be acceptable. I want to be what they want. I want to be loved. Will being skinny find me love? Yes. Don't give up now. I don't think I can. I never knew it could be this easy. I even threw up at work the other day. No one knew. No one has to know. I'm scared. Don't be. What about my health. You're fine. What about my body. It's getting better. What if someone finds out. They won't care. They won't be able to stop you.

I look in the mirror. I look in the mirror every day. What do you see? I see inadequacy. I see ugliness. I see too much skin. Your stomach needs work. I know. Work harder. Eat less. Run more. How much do you care about your body? I care. I promise I care. I try and I try but it's never enough. You have to keep it up. I'm trying. You can be better. I'm trying. You can be thinner. I'm trying. You can be loved. I want to be. Is this going to be enough? Yes. This will get you where you want to go. I'm never enough. I know. No one ever holds on. I know. No one wants to keep me. I know. No one has loved me, really loved me. I know. Why? You're not what they want. You have to be what they want. What if I don't want to be that? What if I just want to be me... You aren't good enough, as you. You have to change. God says I'm perfect the way I am, perfect as He made me. Yea, well God lies.

Hugs from Heaven. [Happy Birthday]

You die, and people go on living. You die, and the world still moves. You die, and you stop growing. You stop breathing. You stop aging. You stop knowing. You die, and you don't know it. You don't know what it's like afterward. All you know is what you were, and what was. You stop hearing. You stop being. You stop learning. The life lessons are over and you are done apologizing, you are done crying, you are done saying you're sorry and praying for tomorrow. You die, and the world loses laughter. You die, and the world loses a smile. You die, and the world has a hole to fill. You can't be replaced. You stop being and you can never be again. There will never be another you.

God made you, fearfully and wonderfully. He made you beautiful. He made you perfect in His eyes. He put on you the Earth to live, to glorify Him, to follow His calling. He knew every hair on your head. He knew your every thought. He laid His hand upon you. He knit you together in your mother's womb. His works are wonderful, and He made you a part of His plan. If you chose to make your bed in the depths, He was still there. Everywhere, His hand guided you, His right hand held you fast. He never left you. He never forsake you. And, when you went up to the heavens... He met you there.

You die, and you lose your body but keep your soul. You die, and you continue to be loved. You die, and somehow - you live on. You start praising. You start singing. You start moving in ways never noticed before. You die, and the world lives on, the world lives on with you in mind. The world knows what it's like without you. The world knows how big the hole is. You don't. But, you know what it's like to dance before your Maker. You die, and you gain new life. You die, and we pray for the day when we to will die too - just to know. Just to be safe forever in the arms of the Father.

This world will end. Sooner, or later, in this lifetime, or perhaps the next - but it will end. It was always going to end. This life is temporary. Our lives are temporary. Our problems and our sorrows and our sadness... our failures, our losses, our mistakes... They will end. They are not permanent. They are not worth our pain. Our time. Our effort. We will die, and we will not know it. What will we leave behind? What will we focus our passion on? Where will be when this world ends, when our world ends, and we lose our bodies and gain our soul? Where do you want your soul to be?

You died, and I kept on living. And in the midst of a day, full of confusion and chaos and misunderstanding... I think of you. I think of God. I think of you together, in heaven, forever. And, sometimes, I wish I was there. My time here isn't over, I know that. But I miss you. And, I want to feel the arms of Jesus. I want Him to hold me now, I want Him to hold me forever.

Give Him a hug for me will you Auntie Karen? Oh, and God - Hug her back please, it's her Birthday you know :)

let the sun rise.

Well, I could be gone before you wake. This isn't permanent. It never was. It never will be.

Life isn't about guarantees. Life isn't about promises. Life is about choosing to live and praying to God that you wake up to see another day. That's all we ever do - pray for second chances, always, second chances. Because, somehow, we can never manage to get it right the first time. It's like we screw it up on purpose. Like, Oh Well, I'll do better tomorrow. I'll do better next time. Next time, I'll say no. Next time, I'll take a risk. Next time, I won't be afraid.

If we really looked at our lives, looked at ourselves, we would realize we know what we want all along. We always have. You can feel it, in the pit of your stomach. Knotting. Twisting. Yelling to you in that pivotal moment. Call it intuition. Call it your conscience. Call it doubt. Call it reason. Call it whatever the hell you want, but the truth remains - you feel it, and you choose to ignore it.

It is bullshit to say you go through life without "feeling" or "thinking". You're constantly thinking. Contemplating. Questioning. The day you stop feeling, the day you stop thinking, the day you stop questioning - you might as well stop living. Life has just become about what everyone else wants. Your needs are no longer important. You are numb, to yourself and to the world. You are sleep-walking through life. Anyone can hurt you, anyone can take you down.

Wake up. Wake the hell up. Take responsibility. Grasp onto the freedom you've been given. Life can be gone at any moment. You might not be here tomorrow. The sun might rise, and you might not be here to see it. So why live for tomorrow? Live for today. Live for yourself. Speak up. Listen to your gut... who cares what other people think.

I don't want to be here anymore. In this place of, wish-I-hadn't, and wish-I-would've.

Word Collage?

She told me, it's like the first time you have sex. Awkward, but you get over it. And then you do it again. I wish I knew. Give me a simile I understand. Give me a statement worth remembering. Give me something real. Give me a reason to change my mind. I don't want to fuck shit over. We are always careful. Cautious. Worrisome. Taking extra precautions about what happens next. Why can't we just live, and let be? Failure is inevitable, but hidden underneath all the clouds of fear is the sunlight - trying to push through. Trying to make us believe again. Brighten, and color. Truth or dare. What scares you more, sharing your body or sharing your soul? It could be both. Someone could erase the fear. Someone could ease your hesitation. If I knew where they were, I would draw a map. I would plan, and pack, and drive. I wouldn't stop. I would just keep driving. Destination unknown. But if you never try you'll never know. The world traps us, keeps us in a box. Establishes misconceptions, makes us believe that the unnatural is "normal". And then we lose ourselves. We become a stereotype. [Dress like this. Act like that. Be skinny. Be muscular. Show emotion, but not too much. Cut your hair. Shop here. Eat here. Be different, but make sure that "different" is acceptable.] We go to extraordinary lengths for acceptance. The world pushes us down, and we let it. It doesn't feel remorse. It doesn't say: I want to apologize for being a dick the night I met you. (In other words, welcome to the world, just want you to know this is going to suck.) Where is the hope? Where is the joy? Where is the laughter? We miss it. We, purposely, let it pass us by. Consciously, or subconsciously, we ignore all the reminders that we're not alone. We were never alone. We will never have to be alone. Tell me that you'll open your eyes. Protest, now, if you must. Draw it out. Make excuses. Stay silent. Stay isolated. Just know, time doesn't last forever. And time, is often shorter than you envision it to be. People die. Everyday - car accidents, disease, murder, suicide, natural disasters, plane crashes. One split second, and its over. A warning sign, I missed the good part... and, I don't want to do it again.

hold onto hope.

If ever I could write it all down, if ever I could do justice to your memory - I would. If ever I could write you a song as beautiful as your legacy, all the love you left behind - I would. If ever I could relive just one moment with you and record every detail - I would. And then, I would send it upwards, into the sky, past the clouds, to the kingdom of God, your now forever home. I would bring it as an offering, a token of how much I still miss you - how much I will always miss you. I would give it just to let you know you will never be forgotten. If I could rightly record how much you meant to me, how much you still mean to me - I would. If I could go back to your kitchen and hear your voice - I would. If I could feel your embrace, just for another second - I would. All the things you take for granted... when they're gone you see them slipping away as time passes by. Sometimes I convince myself I can still hear how you sounded, but I'm afraid instead that it's how I envision you sound, only my mind trying to replicate that natural sweetness, and failing more and more each day. If I could stop you from fading - I would.

I close my eyes and try and see you again; you vibrant in life, full of joy, and composed of laughter. I see you sitting there across the table, smiling as we win yet another hand of cards. I see you, as I am a child, sitting on the edge of my bed, singing me to sleep. I see you at my soccer games. At my track meets. At my choir concerts. Always a familiar face in the crowd, always supportive. I see you in the kitchen, making christmas cookies with me, year after year - frosting on our faces, flour on our clothes, laughter in our eyes. I see you at Thanksgiving and Christmas and every birthday. I see you on endless car rides across the state. I see you, at family gatherings, church services, and walks in the park. I see you everywhere. I see you as vividly as if you're still here, and then I see you disappear...

I see you like a dream, and then I wake up and realize that you're gone. My mom tells me that in your final hours, God was there. In the midst of the worship music playing, Jesus enveloped your body, took over the room, and there - He took you into His family. She tells me it was beautiful. That even though it wasn't until a little later that your physical body quit, she believes in that moment of calm you went to be with the Lord. And, I believe her. I have to believe her. I need to believe that in your last moments you were enveloped with the presence of God. And then, in a moment of peace and perfect serenity you transcended from this world and into the next, you went to be with Jesus. You left behind all the pain and all the suffering, and God embraced you into His arms. He held you. He smiled. He called you His child. The waiting was over. You would never be separated from Him again. You left this world and became a part of the Kingdom of God.

When the pain of your loss overwhelms me, when the tears suffocate me, when I find it hard to breathe without you, that is what I hold onto. That moment of peace. That moment of hope. The promise that one day I will see you again. And, in my hour of darkness, you are standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom... let it be.

Letter of Love.

To the Searching, To the Lost, To the Confused:

Why do you wander through the world on your own? Why do you insist on trying to hold yourself up? Don't you see I'm standing here... next to you... waiting to hold you in my arms. You are my child. My heart breaks to see you this way - lost and broken. Let me carry you through. Let me be your rock. Let me be your shelter. Let me be your comfort. You say you are undeserving, I say you are worth more than you will ever know. I have never left your side. Even when you lost your way, I was traveling along beside you, trying to get your attention. You try and hold it all together. You try and be strong. You tell yourself "if only I could do this, if only I could do that". If only you would see me. You don't have to walk through life, alone. Tell me. Share your heart, with Me. I can make the impossible, possible. I promise I will never leave you. I promise you will never have to be alone again. I know you want love. I know you want acceptance... I am waiting to give you those things, and so much more. I want to be your friend. I want to be the One you run to when times get tough. I want to invite you into my family. I want to give you eternal life. I want to give you a heart of joy. Trade in your concerns, your questions, your fears - and lay them down at my feet. I am asking you to make a change. Don't you hear me? Don't you understand how deep my love is for you? Unconditional. Never-faltering. Nothing you ever do will change how much I love you. You are beautiful. I created you. There is no one like you. You are my child. Let me hold you. You say your sin is too great. You say you've messed up too many times. You say you don't know how to get past it... all the regrets, all the mistakes, all the guilt. But, I forgive you. I am here to make you whole again. In your weakness, I will give you strength. I will give you a home. Forever. I died so that you may live. I would do it again, in a heartbeat, if only for you to know you are worthy. You are accepted. I yearn for you, won't you yearn for me? Child, I am waiting. Fall on your knees and let me catch your tears. I will pick you back up again, I will make you strong. Stand in me, and I will give you rest. I will give you reassurance. I will give you the promise of life everlasting. Love everlasting. Overflowing mercy. Neverending grace. Stop doing it all alone. Let me take your hand - let us do it together. Step by step. Day by day. Now, and forever.

I love you. I will always love you.
God.