i feel as if when you go to extraordinary lengths to make sure all things are in order, that you, yourself, is in order, and that you have set yourself up for success - that is when something goes wrong. it's comical actually. i made myself a to-do list last night to make sure i didn't forget anything this morning. i got up at 6 o'clock instead of the normal 6:45/7ish to make sure i showered and still had time to pack my car and put everything together. (yes, i am going home today!). i also bought a brand new pair of boots last night with my new Payless employee discount - 50% off equals the cutest black boots, for $20. naturally, i wanted to wear them today. so i picked out the perfect outfit to accompany them. yes, an outfit really can start with only a pair of shoes. :) well. i left my house extra early to fill up with gas to save time after class, and splurged on a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte from starbucks, totalling $4.84. i was 5 minutes late to class because of it, but that was okay - because i had my saving liquid in a cup, and i looked cute. half way through glass, the girl sitting next to me elbowed my coffee and in a matter of seconds i was now wearing my four dollars and 84 cents, hot liquid ALL over my shirt and pants. the girl felt bad; and she gave me four dollars. i said it was fine, really, i was just laughing to myself. it seemed ironic. something like that would only happen when i really wanted to wear what i was wearing, and when i had spent a dollar more than normal... lol.
needless to say, i had to go home and change, and spray my clothes, so i can soak them tonight when i get home. as a result, i missed my nine o'clock class. but it's okay. because its a beautiful day, its going to be almost 57 degrees. and after chemistry (which i have in fifteen minutes), i am heading to Fort Collins, picking up Cam, and heading home! and that just makes this day still perfect. and i have a new latte in my hand, and the world is okay. no reason to get upset over little things. i mean, its annoying, but not upsetting. there are worse things. and i think that is the important thing to remember. that things could always be much worse - and sometimes we get so worked up over things that don't even matter, and we end up just wasting a lot of energy to be negative when really, there isn't any reason to act that way. i don't know. i'm just grateful for all this day has to offer, and the beginning of it just adds something comical.
its friday people! thanksgiving is less than a week away. its that time of the year when christmas carols start playing, and everyone is bright and cheery (or rather, is supposed to be). it's time to give people a break. smile instead of frown. and live life. get into the holiday spirit. smile at a stranger. just be THANKFUL for everything you are given. family. friends. beautiful november days. God is good. and if you just look around, i'm sure you would see that. loves!
November 20, 2009
November 09, 2009
We Will Be.
He asks me why I am so quiet, and I just stare.
It wasn't that I had nothing to say; in fact, thoughts were bouncing around in my head like a hundred bouncy balls up and down on the hot cement... the cement where we were now lying, together, on his worn Buzz Lightyear beach towel, clad only in undergarments - thoroughly exposed. His is skin dark and vibrant, contrasting with white boxer briefs and sandy blonde hair. His wide blue eyes glow as he smiles, revealing those dimples I know so well.
He asks me why I'm so quiet, and I kiss him.
And then it begins again, the events that brought us here in the first place. The undeniable attraction that we both feel, and that I have felt for the past three years. And finally, he is here. He is mine. And this is our moment, our chance to have it all. I know that once it ends he will go back to his girlfriend, go back to his life, and he will pretend that he doesn't love me. But we both will know it is a lie. I love him. And not just a naive, butterfly kind of love, but the kind of love that hurts. That starts at my heart and ends at the pit of my stomach. Aching. Throbbing. Wanting. Bleeding. More. More. More.
He asks me to tell him what I am thinking.
I press my hands against his bare skin, and climb on. Is it only me, or do our bodies seem to perfectly align? Like this is meant to be. Only, I know it will end, and so I grab on. And together our bodies begin to make music against the sunlight. Chords of desperate longing, and passion. Notes cry out into the open air - clear and bright. An overture begging for definition, for the defiance of self and the presence of commitment. Oh, this is only the prelude, and every song has an ending, but that is no reason not to enjoy the music. Especially music as sweet as this. Skin on skin.
He tells me that he loves me, and he means it.
I know that he does. My heart responds within my chest; ba bump, ba bump. Growing louder until I swear its exposed. Another rhythm to the developing chorus. We are about to write the love story of our lives. A secret affair, or an open relationship? Only he will decide. But my love will not falter. It will continue to play loud and strong, up until the last movement, the last chord. And I will fade into the darkness holding on to the sweet taste of saliva, the feel of his hands along my body - intimacy in its rarest form, and true love. Whatever that may mean, undefinable as it seems, I know it exists.
It wasn't that I had nothing to say; in fact, thoughts were bouncing around in my head like a hundred bouncy balls up and down on the hot cement... the cement where we were now lying, together, on his worn Buzz Lightyear beach towel, clad only in undergarments - thoroughly exposed. His is skin dark and vibrant, contrasting with white boxer briefs and sandy blonde hair. His wide blue eyes glow as he smiles, revealing those dimples I know so well.
He asks me why I'm so quiet, and I kiss him.
And then it begins again, the events that brought us here in the first place. The undeniable attraction that we both feel, and that I have felt for the past three years. And finally, he is here. He is mine. And this is our moment, our chance to have it all. I know that once it ends he will go back to his girlfriend, go back to his life, and he will pretend that he doesn't love me. But we both will know it is a lie. I love him. And not just a naive, butterfly kind of love, but the kind of love that hurts. That starts at my heart and ends at the pit of my stomach. Aching. Throbbing. Wanting. Bleeding. More. More. More.
He asks me to tell him what I am thinking.
I press my hands against his bare skin, and climb on. Is it only me, or do our bodies seem to perfectly align? Like this is meant to be. Only, I know it will end, and so I grab on. And together our bodies begin to make music against the sunlight. Chords of desperate longing, and passion. Notes cry out into the open air - clear and bright. An overture begging for definition, for the defiance of self and the presence of commitment. Oh, this is only the prelude, and every song has an ending, but that is no reason not to enjoy the music. Especially music as sweet as this. Skin on skin.
He tells me that he loves me, and he means it.
I know that he does. My heart responds within my chest; ba bump, ba bump. Growing louder until I swear its exposed. Another rhythm to the developing chorus. We are about to write the love story of our lives. A secret affair, or an open relationship? Only he will decide. But my love will not falter. It will continue to play loud and strong, up until the last movement, the last chord. And I will fade into the darkness holding on to the sweet taste of saliva, the feel of his hands along my body - intimacy in its rarest form, and true love. Whatever that may mean, undefinable as it seems, I know it exists.
I tell him to just hold me, and he does.
I close my eyes and wish for time to stop. To trap us forever, here and now... Forever against him, making love from sunrise to sunset, stopping only to catch our breath. The most beautiful song on repeat. For I found my one, my only, and in this moment, he is mine.
November 05, 2009
float on.
I wish everyone was loved tonight, and somehow stop this endless fight, just a chance that maybe we'll find better days...
sometimes i feel like i'm just floating. through hours. through days. through weeks. and then i look back and realize a month has gone by, and i don't know how. do you ever just stop and wonder how time moves so fast? i mean, really. one day we're trying to survive bus rides after school. the next we're tossing our caps at high school graduation. and then suddenly the end of college is in sight. the "real world" is no longer just part of a taunt from our parents, no longer something we can't comprehend. its here. its now. and as life moves forward, and as we get older it seems like things just get harder. and we let things slip away, because we're too busy. too preoccupied. too concerned with other things that won't really matter in the end. we let life get in the way. all the time. we allow it to take over, and instead of us living our lives - it is living for us. sometimes you just have to stop and breathe.
i went home this weekend. when i transferred here i tried to make a pact with myself that i would limit my time and trips home to make the transition easier. to really apply myself and form relationships here - to set out on a journey that would make the next two years enjoyable academically, socially, and spiritually. this was my time. my time to be myself and stand on my own two feet. i'm not sure that i'm doing that... but, my dad is having medical problems. and my mother assures me that its not life threatening but i can't help to flashback to 3 years ago when things started going downhill for my aunt. i know thats an unfair comparison, but it seems like it always starts with something else... and then the next day you're hearing the worst. and either way, it its a big deal. and my family is stressed. my dad is hurt and anxious, and although he's hesitant to admit it i know he's scared. and my mom is trying to keep everything together but she's hurting too. and so i just wanted to go home and be there for my family. to spend time with them. even if that meant just watching the football game with my dad on sunday afternoon. just being there was a joy and an encouragement to me. because life is too short. and he most likely will be okay, although, this might change his life drastically. but, i want to know that i was there. it kills me not to be there. i want to be a part of what is going on. thats my family. they are the most important part of me.
and so i'm floating. through days, through tests, through assignments. i more than likely failed my chemistry test yesterday, something that would normally get me all stressed and worked up but i really don't care. not at all. and i know thats bad. i know i'm slipping. i wouldn't even say that i'm unhappy but at the same time i don't feel like myself. i don't have a big appetite anymore, and sometimes i throw up the things i eat. i grasp at every opportunity to get some extra sleep. about the only things i look forward to with enthusiasm are running and going to church. church gives me that fire. God gives me that fire. and thats why i can say i'm not depressed. i'm not alone. i'm just hurting a little. and i'm clinging. because i feel a little lost right now, and i'm not sure how to fix that. i'm trying to find my motivation. my mojo. my peppy, ready to roll self. but until i find it, i think i'll just keep floating and pray to God that i don't fall.
this is the day that the Lord has made right? I will rejoice and be glad in it... no matter how hard it is. no matter how alone we feel. no matter how much i just want to throw in the towel and say, screw it. each and every day is a gift. today it was 65 degrees, the sun was shining, and its november. in november God still is gracious enough to give us days like today. and in those moments we can realize we are blessed. truly blessed. and we are not alone. not for one second. and that gives us hope. for all of us to search for better days. to hang on, even when we feel like giving up. you might just be floating, but you're still alive. and thats a reason to celebrate.
sometimes i feel like i'm just floating. through hours. through days. through weeks. and then i look back and realize a month has gone by, and i don't know how. do you ever just stop and wonder how time moves so fast? i mean, really. one day we're trying to survive bus rides after school. the next we're tossing our caps at high school graduation. and then suddenly the end of college is in sight. the "real world" is no longer just part of a taunt from our parents, no longer something we can't comprehend. its here. its now. and as life moves forward, and as we get older it seems like things just get harder. and we let things slip away, because we're too busy. too preoccupied. too concerned with other things that won't really matter in the end. we let life get in the way. all the time. we allow it to take over, and instead of us living our lives - it is living for us. sometimes you just have to stop and breathe.
i went home this weekend. when i transferred here i tried to make a pact with myself that i would limit my time and trips home to make the transition easier. to really apply myself and form relationships here - to set out on a journey that would make the next two years enjoyable academically, socially, and spiritually. this was my time. my time to be myself and stand on my own two feet. i'm not sure that i'm doing that... but, my dad is having medical problems. and my mother assures me that its not life threatening but i can't help to flashback to 3 years ago when things started going downhill for my aunt. i know thats an unfair comparison, but it seems like it always starts with something else... and then the next day you're hearing the worst. and either way, it its a big deal. and my family is stressed. my dad is hurt and anxious, and although he's hesitant to admit it i know he's scared. and my mom is trying to keep everything together but she's hurting too. and so i just wanted to go home and be there for my family. to spend time with them. even if that meant just watching the football game with my dad on sunday afternoon. just being there was a joy and an encouragement to me. because life is too short. and he most likely will be okay, although, this might change his life drastically. but, i want to know that i was there. it kills me not to be there. i want to be a part of what is going on. thats my family. they are the most important part of me.
and so i'm floating. through days, through tests, through assignments. i more than likely failed my chemistry test yesterday, something that would normally get me all stressed and worked up but i really don't care. not at all. and i know thats bad. i know i'm slipping. i wouldn't even say that i'm unhappy but at the same time i don't feel like myself. i don't have a big appetite anymore, and sometimes i throw up the things i eat. i grasp at every opportunity to get some extra sleep. about the only things i look forward to with enthusiasm are running and going to church. church gives me that fire. God gives me that fire. and thats why i can say i'm not depressed. i'm not alone. i'm just hurting a little. and i'm clinging. because i feel a little lost right now, and i'm not sure how to fix that. i'm trying to find my motivation. my mojo. my peppy, ready to roll self. but until i find it, i think i'll just keep floating and pray to God that i don't fall.
this is the day that the Lord has made right? I will rejoice and be glad in it... no matter how hard it is. no matter how alone we feel. no matter how much i just want to throw in the towel and say, screw it. each and every day is a gift. today it was 65 degrees, the sun was shining, and its november. in november God still is gracious enough to give us days like today. and in those moments we can realize we are blessed. truly blessed. and we are not alone. not for one second. and that gives us hope. for all of us to search for better days. to hang on, even when we feel like giving up. you might just be floating, but you're still alive. and thats a reason to celebrate.
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