Scatter This.

You said you needed my words like I needed your kiss. But your lips stay locked. I drink hot chocolate as night makes its way into morning. Its soothing silk taste is the only richness in my life these days. I drink it to remember. I drink it to forget. I drink it to satisfy. Nothing ever works the way it used to. Not even the stopwatch you gave me for my birthday last year. It lies on my bedside table, occasionally beeping at the wrong times. It is broken but I can't let it go. I am hoping someday it will fix itself; the way I hope you fix what was never broken.

You said you needed my body like I needed your honesty. I lay untouched in the sheets we used to sleep in, waiting to hear your words of wisdom break the silence. Maybe I wasn't as beautiful as you made me feel. Maybe I was just another girl to screw but I miss making love as much as I miss every other part of you.

I drowned in your truth and surfaced swimming in your lies. You were the sunrise I had never seen, and now there is only empty sky. Time is full of promise but devoid of color. I miss your baby blues peering into the secrets I had never shared. I am unsure what hurts more - knowing I let you have it all or knowing you never valued my treasures.

You said you loved my smile, but I don't smile much these days.

I have to believe you were what you seemed. It is too hard to face who you turned out to be. And perhaps it is my fault for loving you too quickly, for having faith in you when you barely had faith in yourself. I put you on a pedastol and you buried yourself in the ground. You walked away without giving us a real chance. You said you needed me like I needed you. But you needed a girl and I needed a man. You were just a boy, hanging around needing too much.

There are things I will miss for the rest of time, like your body against mine, and the way we defied constraints and time. You were my caffeine. You were my adrenaline. You were my substitute for sleep. I will always miss our carelessness and the love we shared. I will miss the way you made me feel, the way you looked at me. I will miss learning from you.

You were the one who was broken. I am sorry I couldn't fix you.
But now it is time for me to grow up. Something you may never do.

To Making It Count.

"I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up... I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count." -- Jack, Titanic

Titanic is on ABC Family. Am I watching it? Guilty. I am not sure why I don't own it on DVD, considering it is one of my favorite movies of all time. But since I do only have the VCR version and I no longer own a VCR... I'm taking advantage of a moment to fall in love all over again. Like I do every time. One of the greatest movie love stories of all time. Makes me want to fall in love myself... Alas. This is not an entry about love. This is not even an entry about Titanic. This is an entry about life. Say what you will about the movie, but I think Jack holds some truth in the quote. Truth that is worth considering and remembering.

Every morning I wake up is a gift given to me by God. Every moment I breathe is a gift from God. The simple fact that I am living is a gift. And how many times do I forget that? How many times do I take that for granted? I tend to see life in a series of steps. Today -- relax, run, do homework, talk to the ones I love. Tomorrow -- go to school. Next weekend -- work. Next month -- Spring break. 3 months from now -- graduation. Life is a series of steps. And how many times do we simply float through life until we reach the next one? Is not what we do in-between each change a matter of importance in itself? You never know what tomorrow has to bring.

I have been hiding from life and from God lately. Mostly, because I'm scared. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of real life. I'm scared I will get to the end of this step in my life and realize I'm inadequate, not worthy of continuing on, devoid of direction. My dad told me tonight that I'm avoiding the concept of graduation. I didn't respond, because he is right. Graduation seems to mean needing a plan. Picking a path. Deciding my future. And, I'm not ready. And truth be told, that's okay. As long as I am wholeheartedly seeking God in the process. But I have been scared of that too. I think I'm afraid of where He is going to lead me. Of what He is going to show. Of what doors He is going to close and open. I know He has the answers, but I haven't wanted to hear them.

But the truth of the matter is that God is the only one who knows what tomorrow brings. Life is a series of questions. God is the answer. I don't want to waste my days by not following Him. I don't want to spend my life being afraid. Take life as it comes at you. Make each day count. And do it by following God. More than that, do it by serving God. Know that life is not meant to be easy. But take comfort in knowing that it wasn't easy for Jesus either.

Jesus Christ suffered, so will you, so will I. Jesus Christ was betrayed by the ones He loved. The same will happen to us. Jesus Christ had bad days. So will we. Jesus Christ experienced pain. He experienced sadness. He experienced feeling alone in this world. To follow Jesus, we must recognize that we will experience similar hardships. But that we also behold the same promises... We are not alone. We will never be alone. Joy comes with humility - to humble ourselves before the Father so that we may experience Him the way He intended. With honesty. With truth. With grace. With mercy. With faith.

Turning over my fear to God is a day by day choice, a choice that I sometimes choose not to make. But believe me when I say surrender is the best choice there is. Those are the days I make it count. Those are the moments I see the gift for what it is. I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know where my life is going to go from here. But, looking to my Father for direction, I can take steps without being afraid.

An Old Dirt Road.

1 Samuel 2:9 - "The Lord safeguards the steps of His faithful ones, but wicked people are silenced in darkness, because humans cannot succeed by their own strength."

This road is worn and long, dirt and dust drift upwards as my shoes kick their way between steps. I am moving slowly today, taking my time down this beaten path. I kick rocks, the way I used to do when I was a child. Kick and follow. Kick and follow. Kick and move on. Walking is more than just a way to get from one place to another, it becomes a game of give and take. If you walk alone, who or what will you encounter along the way? I see fields of yellow and the sky is blue but nowhere do I see You. Barbed-fire fences form a never-ending line on either side of me, separting me from the fields that stretch their way across the plains.

I stop for a moment and imagine I am Laura Ingalls Wilder from Little House on the Prairie, skipping across the fields back to home where people love me. In the places I will never see are the things I have always wished to know. There are the depths of my imagination. There are the desires of my soul.

I long to sit for awhile and wait for something to happen, for someone to come along and walk with me. I long to sit and rest, reflect on who I am. Sometimes it all looks the same and I find I've traveled miles without really noticing anything at all. I skip through life trying to find where I belong. I rush past the familiar in search of what I have yet to know. Life seems thrilling when you're constantly being surprised. But I often wonder what it would be like to have some sense of security. To stop waiting for surprises and to simply have a little faith that it was all going to work out in the end.

I walk down this road alone waiting to find You again. The skyline is dark blue, haunted by clouds waiting to rain down drops of destruction. There is only field and no shelter. I wonder where I will hide when it hits. I see another rock and imagine it is a treasure. I imagine it holds the answer. Kneeling to the ground, I pick it up. Its surface is scratched and its color has faded. Perhaps it was once bright red, but the earth has dulled its shine. Now it blends in with all the rest, no longer subject to recognition. Maybe it used to be beautiful but I will never know. Just like I will never know what I used to be. I walk down this road and I forget where I've been.

I was once told what could make me alive again. I remember hearing about love, a love that never ends. When I was little I believed I could be new again. Perhaps it was because I wasn't so tainted then. It was easier to imagine I was worth forgiving. Now it's hard to understand why anyone would want to find me. I am as dirty as this path, worn and used by those who gave me promises they could never keep. I have been stepped on, dulled down, and kicked around. Kick and follow. Kick and follow. Kick and move on. Never learning, always hoping that one day it would be different.

My feet seem to move on their own, comfortable within familiar shoes. I look down and walk on, no longer paying attention to what lies ahead. There is nothing to see. No one to find. I look down and wait for the path to end. I am sick of dust and dirt and hurt. I look down and walk slowly through life. I look down and try to find some strength to continue on. Perhaps I will die here on this road, looking down at the ground.

I remember something I learned when I was a child. I'm skipping across sidewalks and the skyline is bright with color against the setting sun. I am carefree and my shoes are clean. The world has not yet reached me or corrupted my open heart. I remember something. I remember and I look up.

I stop walking. I look up. I'm not alone. You found me.

A Conversation with God

"Sometimes it gets so dark, and I get scared," she said.
"My child, you never have to be scared again," He said.
"I don't see how. I can't see where I'm going," she said.
"I am the light of the world. I can light your path," He said.
"Why would you do that?" she said.
"Because I created you. Because I love you. Because I want you to be mine," He said.
"That's not true. No one wants me. No one loves me. I make a lot of mistakes. I'll let you down. I'll disappoint you," she said.
"I will love you anyways," He said.
"Why would you do that?" she said.
"Because you're worth it," He said.
"What if I lose you? What if I can't find you?" she said.
"You will never lose me," He said. "All you have to do is call to me, and I will be there. I will never leave you or forsake you."
"I'm afraid," she said.
"Don't be afraid. I am with you and I will rescue you," He said.
"What about all this stuff I have? My past. My regret. My pride. My shame. My guilt. My anger. My sadness. My weakness. It's too much to bring," she said.
"You don't have to hold onto it anymore," He said. "Let me make you new again."
"I am broken," she said.
"Let me heal you," He said.
"I am tired," she said.
"Let me carry you," He said.
"How do I live?" she said.
"Live in my love," He said.
"How?" she said.
"Surrender to me. I am the way, the truth, and the life," He said.
"Will you take it all? Will you help me up again? Will you show me how?" she said.
"I will walk beside you. I will give you a new heart and a new spirit," He said.
"How?" she said.
"Because I died for you. Your debt has been paid in full," He said.
"I still don't understand. Why?" she said.
"Because you are my daughter. Let me be your Father," He said.