all you have to do is... listen.

At the end of last semester God put something on my heart. In the middle of a church service about God's calling I heard Him say - Biblical Counseling. Scared, excited, and confused I told only a couple of my closest friends at the time. Asking them to pray as I continued to seek God in this. through this. And, I told my mother, who actually works at a center for Biblical counseling. I went into the summer excited to see what God was going to do in my life. Where the summer was going to take in relation to growing closer to Him and seeking His purpose. To pursue this thought. To seek out counsel and clarfication. To see what this would even mean. I went into the summer needing God. wanting God. seeking God.

But, in the midst of the fire and the thirst for God, came the devil threatening to break apart my passion. To question what I was hearing. To throw hurdles in my way. Pain and broken expectations that made me question what God had been saying to me in the months prior. In the midst of that brokenness I started to lose it. That thirst. That clarity. On one hand, this summer was one of the most spiritual summers I have had since I have started college - thanks to a couple really great girls - but on the other hand, it contained the same temptations and traps that have been enticing me and bringing me down for years. I questioned my self-worth. I made decisions I shouldn't have. And I let my life get in the way of my focus on God. I put people and obligations above the One who mattered. And above searching the answers He was asking me to listen for.

Flash forward. Here I am. Back at school. Broken. Dealing with hurt. And pain. And questions. And once again, trying to understand God's grace, as I begin to pull myself back up to the place I was before. Back at school. Desiring God. More and more. Allowing myself to listen. Making time. And yet, new distractions present themselves... but today in church, I heard that small voice speak again. And while He convicted me of a few other things in my life that need consideration and reevaluation, He also opened my heart again to what He placed there so many months before. Biblical Counseling.

I had gotten a CD from one of the counselors where my mom works this summer - the first CD in the training series for counseling. I had met with him, and talked to him about where my heart was, and had been given the CD to listen to and see where God was taking me through it. Almost three months later, I finally listened. I think it was something I was putting off because I was scared. Or maybe because I wasn't ready to listen. Simple defiance. Or maybe, I really did need to wait until my heart was back in a place where I could recieve what I was going to hear.

God does that. Waits patiently for us to open our hearts to Him. Waits patiently while we make mistakes. Waits patiently while we fill our time with things other than Him. He waits. No matter how long it takes. To get our attention. To prick our hearts. To speak. And when we finally choose to get rid of all the clutter, or at least to take a moment and be silent before Him, He says... Listen. Hear my voice this time. Follow me. Let me show the amazing plan I have for you.

I'm still unsure where I go from here. But, God opened my heart tonight. Through His word. Through His voice. And through that CD. And, whether or not I follow that path, there is something I know now. I want more. Show me more. You have awakened my heart and my spirit and I want you to fill me. With whatever you have to offer. Wherever you lead. Because, You're all I need.