To be an Agnostic.

Just answer me this: Why do you believe that God exists? What proof is there? Who is to say that your religion, your Christianity, is right? You would believe me if I said invisible Jesus was sitting here next to me, but what about Superman, what about Muhammad, what about Santa Clause? I just want answers. I just want you to give me evidence that tells me God exists. Show me evidence. Show me proof. I'm standing at the door, knocking as hard as I can, and no one answers. I'm seeking, but I'm not finding. I used to know what I believed and now I'm lost somewhere between theology and religion and science, trying to fit together the pieces, to find my place again.

I wish I could show you what I see. Every day when I wake up and realize that I'm still breathing. Or driving towards the Colorado mountains for the millionth time and still staring in awe at what lays before me. Sit with me and stare at the sunrise. Watch two dozen roses bloom before your eyes as they sit in the sun on a six hour drive. Watch children play. Walk into a neverending forest and contemplate all the creatures you can't even see, that you probably don't even know exist. Think of how your legs move and your muscles work without even a command. Stare into the face of someone you love and then tell me: How can there not be a God?

I live for myself. And the people around me. I live for my girlfriend. And my dog. And my job. And my family. I live to be happy and to make an impact on those around me. I live to seek the truth. I live to seek answers. To be compassionate. To care. I live because I'm here. And when my life ends, that will be it. I will cease to exist. I will die and that will be all. No soul. No afterlife. No pain. Just a life well lived. And people will think of me, from time to time. But eventually I will be forgotten. And all that I was will cease to be. And, that's okay with me. You could live for a God your whole life, but if you're wrong. Then what was the point?

I live everyday of my life trying to figure out something new. I live for me. I live for the people around me. I live for my family. I live for my aspirations and goals. But, most of all, I live for God. Because God is the one who has taken care of everything in my life. God is the one who saves me when I don't deserve it. God is the one who has shown me what it means to love, to forgive, to care. At the end of the day, when no one else is there to hold my hand, and the rest of the world has decided to continue on with their own selfish desires... God is always there. I will never regret living my life for a Creator who has filled me with complete happiness and joy, who has shed light on my darkness, and who has healed my brokenness. If, at the end of my life, I was wrong... I will still know that I lived a full and complete life centered on someone other than myself. For a purpose - to follow, to serve, to surrender, to trust, to praise - no matter what. And, not for anyone else. Only for Him. Because, I'm not wrong.

Christianity is full of rules and regulations centered around a bunch of institutions that often times want nothing more than to just make money. To better their own causes. To build bigger churches. To get new equipment. Is it even to better the people? I won't deny that Christianity does things for people. It gives them a reason to hope. It gives them happiness. It gives them motivation and it makes them feel good about themselves. Religion doesn't stand for the things that world hates, so in that regard, I guess it's an okay thing. But, does that make it right? All the rules. All the hypocrisy. All the criticism. All the - you can do this, but don't do that. A lot of those institutions are wrong. A lot of those institutions don't even line up, so where is the truth?

The truth is this. God is eternal. He exists in and of Himself. He was there in the beginning of everything. God is the ultimate reality. Without Him, there is no truth. He is in complete control. He brings life out of chaos and despair, and He deals with darkness in a personal way. The rules and regulations are not important. That's not what it's about. It's not about religion, and it's not about an institution. It's about a full on relationship with God - one on one. We were created to worship God. And we grow as individuals by seeing God who is. He sent Jesus to the Earth to experience separation from Him so that we would never have to. Ask questions. Dive in. Dig deep. But ultimately, live by faith. It's not about seeing to believe, it's about trusting in what we cannot see, trusting that God is more real than anything else we will ever encounter.

I walk alone. Without a god. Just trying to figure out what it all means, just trying to find the answers. Will I ever get there?

In the beginning, the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. He was the source of life, and that life was the light for humanity... never to be put out.