JUNE 24th

(an entry from my journal...)

Psalm 36:5-7 O Lord, your mercy reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies, your righteousness is like the mountains of God, your judgements like the deep ocean. You save people and animals, O Lord. Your mercy is so precious, O God, that Adam's descendants take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

I don't know what I'm doing... or what I've been doing. My mind is once again a boggle of questions and I feel as if I lost the pieces that were holding me together. I feel I am sinking, weighed down by the abscence of them... my friends who were my support system, and her - the one person in my life I will never be the same without. I will never get used to this loss. I miss her like crazy and this is the first time I've wrote in here about it. I don't know what to say...

Her voice is slowly slipping from my mind and I know someday I wll no longer be able to hear her in my thoughts. I close my eyes and feel her hug me... and I don't want the memory to ever leave even as it grew weaker over the last months. Her hands and her body become more frail. Her eyes still held the same love but they were glazed by a sadness she tried so hard to hide. Her energy became less and less until I could barely stand it to sit there and see her barely breathing just sitting down. She slowly slipped away and I wish I could pull her back somehow. I miss her so much.

I don't even know where my life is going, and I wish she was here to talk to...
I'm so broken up right now about so many things and I feel so lost. I don't know how to describe this and I don't know how to get back on track.

All I know is that I'm hurting and I want it to stop...