honestly...

to anyone out there who cares...

when i created this blog i told myself that i could live my life without regrets. experience things good and bad, and just learn from them... not regret them. in all honesty, thats a lie. as much as i tell myself i don't regret anything in my past... i do.

i constantly wonder why i have never been "the girl" to the guys who really mattered. and why i seem to only attract the ones who are bad news. am i putting off the wrong vibe? i can't seem to attract the kind of guys i want to be around... and that scares me. i'm going off to college soon and more than a new experience, and new people i keep thinking that i have to be the type of person who is going to attract the right kind of people. if i party at all... am i going to meet a guy who parties and isn't a christian?? and how do i meet those christian guys in an environment full of wordly people and wordly temptations?? how do i find the right connections??? its stressing me out...

i accept the mistakes i have made with guys. but when i sit back and look at it as the whole picture i think geez... what was i thinking? long story short: i've kissed too many people. you don't realize until its too late that those kisses mean something. thats a part of you that you can never get back. and they should be saved for someone special... gosh i hope i find them.

okay. i know i'm just going through a pity party right now. sorry guys... i just had to do it. i've seriously not been happy lately and i've been tearing apart absolutely everything i can think to try and find SOMETHING. try to find me... and who i want to be. and the only way i can do that is by going back and remembering all the pieces of my past. (good or bad)

okay maybe i do regret. maybe i don't. bottom line: i never forget the stuff that has shaped who i am... and sometimes i can't help but think what would have happened if i would have done something differently....

i have three track pictures.
freshman year: black fingernail polish (the only way i ever expressed how i was feeling. i never went out of control.... all black. completely emo. but in a small way i was saying... hey guys. i'm depressed. help me please.)
sophomore year: white fingernail polish (i wasn't really sure what i wanted, but i wanted to appear care-free and happy so i did things a little differently. idk...)
junior year: french manicure lol...

see what i mean. things change. and sometimes you just look back and think geez... what the heck?? lol.

this was kind of pointless but i feel a little better. tell me what you think.... if you wanna.