constantly searching.

"there is much we have been given and much we have left behind"

Life is all about transitions, about moving from place of comfort to the unknown, and then just when you become used to your surroundings... thats when its all turned upside down and you find yourself looking for the next new path. I'm looking all right. In every direction, in every state that appears somewhat appealing to my needs. Last year, I felt as if I came to Mankato, Minnesota (which is where I am currently attending college) for a reason. That God led me here for a purpose. And I still believe that is true... I gained a lot out of the experience I have had here so far. Last semester I found myself in a way I never thought I would. I felt God wrap His arms around me, and for once my life made sense. I had a purpose, and I was content. I trusted completely in Him, and didn't doubt that His plan was perfect. I lost that this past summer, amidst chaos, constant activity, parties, and not stopping to breath, more importantly - not stopping to give God the time He deserved, or rather any at all. I'm searching Him again, seeking Him out, and trying to get back to the place where life makes sense. In the process I am also searching out a new adventure. I don't feel content in my surroundings anymore - instead I feel surrounded by people who don't know who I am, who probably never will, and who probably don't care to know the desires of my heart. I have been given roommates who I get along with, and that is a blessing, but I don't feel that this is where I belong anymore. I am ready to try something different. To carry out my education in a new environment, to once again find myself and give myself a chance to be who I want to be. Here I feel trapped, enclosed in a bubble where I am not allowed to grow or expand. I want out. And so here I am - again searching, and reaching towards the next transition. Trying to find the next perfect fit in my life. I need God. Deeply. Desperately. Because I know, when I find Him... He will help me find my answer. Because doing this on my own is eating me up inside. I have cried every day for the past week and a half (possibly more). I have barely had an appetite, and more than once I have thrown up what I've eaten, just because I have been so upset. I think its making me physically sick, not just emotional. I am drained. Worn out, and without a clue as to what to do. The last couple days have been a little better. I feel more at peace, like I am moving in a direction that is getting me somewhere, even if only baby steps. But I am still not content. I miss my family. I think I've called my parents more the last few weeks than I did in months last year. I talk to them more than I did this summer on a daily basis... I need people who care. And those people just aren't here. There is a select couple, but I still feel alone. My life is a serious of stages. And this is a new one for me. Not even my senior year did I spend so much time searching out schools, and trying to decide which one was best for me. I chose on a whim, because at the time I really didn't care. I had more important things on my mind. So in a sense I feel like this is all new for me, which is probably another reason why I am so stressed about it. I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. But thats what life is about right?? Experiencing new things every day, and in the process learning more about yourself, your limits, and how far you can reach, how much you can handle. I am reaching towards the unknown, and trusting God will provide. He doesn't give you more than you can handle, so I know I'm going to make it... I have to make it.