how???

i guess there's some things i'll never understand...

like why?? in the midst of happiness and a great day do i suddenly feel so empty and lost. i was sitting in bible study and i was hearing the words but i wasn't getting them. i just wasn't feeling God... and i just couldn't hear anything. and then erin brought up how i gave her that verse awhile ago...

James 1: 2-3 - "Consider it pure joy my brothers when you are tested in different ways, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverance."

and she talking about how it really helped in effect to her friend trying to commit suicide, and then i remembered when i originally discovered that verse - when my aunt had cancer. and idk, it was like all of a sudden all these emotions started rushing back in full force. i could feel all the pain, all the anger, the frustration, the simple confusion of why? why Lord, do you allow things to happen sometimes? and she just kept talking about how its really hard to cling on to God in those times, because all you want to do is turn your back... Oh God, I tried to cling to you - I did, I really really did. I cried to you, I prayed to you, I yelled at you. And when my world came crashing down... I went tumbling along with it.

This is a hurting world. I am not the only one who has gone through something heart breaking. In fact - I know that I am a lot better off than a lot, if not - most. So how do people who don't know God see Him in the midst of pain and suffering?? Like it was hard even for me, and I've grown up with knowing God's promises and the love He has for me. And I still messed up. Idk I guess its just hard sometimes. Not that I thought it was going to be easy. Faith in Jesus is the narrow way - i know that. I guess my heart is just hurting right now. I just had a blast to last year tonight, and it hit me hard.

I don't even know what to say right now. sometimes its just like okay Lord, how do we really experience joy in the midst of pain and suffering? maybe eventually - after we have dried our tears, and calmed down, and admitted to ourselves that God has a plan - and that that happened for a reason. But really? You want me to be joyful when i lose one of the most important people in my life? you want me to be joyful when children are living in poverty? you want me to be joyful when my friends are hurting and i'm miles and miles away and can do nothing to help? you want me to be joyful about my past? (i except it, and i don't regret it - but JOY??)

i guess i just kinda realized the actuality of that verse tonight, and was like - WOW. consider it PURE JOY when you are tested in many ways. thats a toughie Lord, and i guess thats just something i realized i need to work on... cuz right now, i'm not feeling very joyful at all.