what else is there?

i crash at the most unexpected times. i will be having a great time, and then like a flick of a switch all happiness is gone and its all i can do to keep from crying. will this ever stop happening to me? when does it get easier? i believe that time does not heal wounds. they will never be healed. perhaps they will be covered up... or hidden. or the hurt might subside for awhile, but they never heal. because when a wound heals it means you are as healthy as you were before... and that, will never be the case. it is more than a wound... it is a scar. a constant reminder of what used to be, and what will never be the same. i know i am complaining, and being selfish. in actuality i am glad that she is in a better place and that God's loving arms are wrapped around her. but then there are these days; and i want nothing more than to hear her voice and to feel her arms around me. i miss her more than i could have ever imagined... i want her back. so here i am again... wishing for the impossible. and trying to praise God through the rain. trying to continue to understand, Why? and realize that His will and timing is perfect. i have to keep saying it over and over again... otherwise all i do is get upset. its just the harder thing i have experienced. and sometimes... i suck at handling it. sorry. and i let little things bother me. things that make no difference to who i am, or what i stand for. yet it still bothers me. and then i feel pathetic and i have to keep it to myself, because telling someone would seem lame, especially when the only people i might consider telling have no idea what i'm going through. and where is my life heading? sometimes i think i can see it clearly, and then something happens and i have no clue what i'm doing, or where i'm going. maybe i'm going the wrong direction... i really am trying to stay on the right track... but sometimes, i just don't seem to make the right choices. i am setting myself up for failure and dissapointment? i don't know. i honestly don't know. all i know, is that right now... in this moment. i am hurting. and searching for something. i feel like those who really understood me and who helped me in the area i needed it most... are millions of miles away. and that they don't really care anymore. i know its different when people aren't around anymore, but sometimes i just wish i could get a text or a call saying: hey, i really just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and i just wanted to see if you were having a good day. i just want to know i still matter... even if i'm not there anymore.

does anybody here me? here i am Lord, trying and failing. walking down a path, falling, and getting back up. and all i need right now is a little help. anyone... just a word or two.

"she is running, a hundred miles an hour... in the wrong direction"