searching again

i think back to last year and i recognize the time in my life when i was closer to God, when I was making better decisions, when i had no desire to drink... no desire to just "hook-up" with guys... when i was actually trying to make my life what i wanted it to be. trying to be the person i liked being. when my freinds came along side of me and helped me along the way... holding me as i cried, encouraging me, lifting me up, loving me even when i screwed up. i was so close. so close to having an awesome relationship with God (i was getting there...) i could see it within my grasp... it was new, and the personal relationship was something i had never experienced, but i was starting to get it. i was happier. and then my world came crashing down, and i tried to hold on... but it was so hard... and i let go. i became silent. nothing mattered. i didn't care if i messed up. (i might have felt somewhat guilty knowing i was letting people down, letting myself down...) but it didn't matter anymore. nothing did. i'm not saying it was all bad. but the progress i had made decreased.

(idk if i'm making any sense right now but i'm trying to put the puzzle pieces together and its a little difficult, so i apologize if this is confusing. cuz its confusing to me as well... )

right now. i want to find my way back. and i don't know how to do that on my own.
i have a lot of faults. i'm very emotional. i let myself break down a lot... too much. (i don't know how to hold it together.) i care about what other people think. i have a hard time opening up to people when i know they don't see things the same way i do. (i feel like they're judging me). i lean on people to help me too much. way too much. (i apologize...sometimes i just feel so helpless and i don't know what else to do) i like to have fun. i still drink. i still make-out with guys who don't really matter. and i still beat myself up over it. funny huh? you know the things that make you upset, and make you feel worthless... and yet, you still do them. why? why do we do things that hurt us? temporary satifaction i think. we would rather have what we're looking for in the wrong way then not have it at all. lame. i have my moments. i have the times where i stand strong, and the times where i let my guard down. will i ever always be able to make the right choice? i would like to think so, but i can't make any promises. (been there. done that.) i let little things bother me. (like when someone doesn't call me back, or when a comment rubs me the wrong way)

i know what needs to change. but i'm unsure, or somewhat unwilling, to do it. i feel like there should be able to be a happy medium. honestly, drinking isn't really one of my personal convictions - its what i do when i drink that makes me dislike it at times. so what do i do? i love my friends that are close to me to death. but it bothers me that they're not on the same page i am on a lot of things. which leaves me in moments like this. in my room alone, crying out to God, searching my bible for something to help, singing to the worship songs on my computer... totally not a bad thing to happen, but i wish i could just be like; hey. i'm kinda struggling right now, i could really use some pray or some encouragement. but thats not how things are with them. and so i feel alone. today God kinda gave me something though.

Psalm 119 - (REALLY LONG) i think i'm gonna try doing one or two sections a day so i can get something out of it. so today verses 1 - 16. and this is what i got.

*5: i pray that my ways may become firmly established so that i can obey your laws
*7: i will give thanks to you as i learn your regulations
*9 -10: How can a young person keep his life pure? He can do it by holding on to your word, by wholeheartedly searching for you.

How can I keep my life pure?
- growing closer to God
- making the "right" choices (choices i am okay with, choices i will not regret)
- relying on HIM for help always (i will never be able to fully grasp why things happen - why my aunt died, why i get myself in certain situations, how i can live life the way i want to, how i can be the person i should be... without HIM)
- letting go of my past (pause - one more fault. i constantly re-think and get upset over things that have already happened, things i can't change.)

well idk how much progress this has caused me, but i feel a lot better, and lot more refreshed right now. i guess i just gotta keep holding on to God, and seraching for his promises to figure out what everything is all about.

cuz there's this great guy out there... whose name is Jesus. He loves me, and i'm a big fan of love. so i'd kinda like to get to know Him a lot better. i'm thinking it'll be one of those relationships that'll work out for me. and thats something i'm more than okay with.