second best

life is constant struggle of trying to achieve what we "want", or think we want. and when we don't grasp it, we are often found settling for second best. which leaves still yearning for the thing we wanted in the first place. why do we let ourselves get caught up in temporary satisfaction? in circumstances that bring a smile to our faces for a few minutes, hours even... but afterwards leave us feeling somewhat empty and alone.

because even if it only is temporary -- in those moments, we feel what we want to feel. we are loved. we are needed. we experience that touch we have been longing for. we experience a connection or an experience that brings us joy. we are happy. we are on top of the world. we are in a place we have only dreamed of being... on the outside we are satisfied. we appear content. but inside we are screaming. for something better... for the things we know that we deserve. for the dreams and hopes that our hearts desire.

i have a desire for one person. for the one person i am meant to be with. the one that God has out there for me somewhere... for that one guy who will love me unconditionally - faults and all. the one that i will love back with all my heart. someday i will give my entire self to him... i am waiting for it. i am waiting for what my heart desires most...

yet along the way i have settled for "second best" more than once. i have given pieces of myself away to this guy, and that guy. and for what? to quench my sexual desires? yes. to "feel something" even if it was only temporary? yes. to feel wanted? yes. but in the end... all i have felt is used. alone and used. and as time has passed it has desenitized me to a lot of things i once held dear to me - for after a few times, something doesn't seem as special as it was in the first place, and so you let it happen again. also i slowly have lost my hope of finding anyone who is different, who isn't like all the rest. someone who won't just take a piece of me and leave.

life is a constant struggle. i make mistakes. i give in. and sometimes i give up... and let myself slide to the bottom. and let me tell you, climbing back up is hard, its painful, and sometimes its a lonely journey. but keep your eyes up, and stay focused. for above that mountain is a joy that i can only hope to experience. and God's love and His forgiveness will help you to get there. keep climbing, its worth it.