home is where the heart is... kinda.

i love coming home. because, it is, and will always be, my home. i grew up. a large part of who i am lies in these city streets, these neighborhoods, in my family, in my friends, in the house where i grew up. rapid city will always be my home. and so, my heart will always be here in some way. but the heart inside that yearns for the Lord... that heart does not belong here. at least not in this present moment. ever since i went to college, it has been a constant cycle. i feel like, for the most part, i have tried to seek God at school. especially this year, i know that transferring was a calling from God. and my life in greeley, besides all the focus on school, goes to God. i have made it a priority to find a church, and attend it almost every week, and get involved in a bible study. the friends, the only friends i have made, consist of a small group of girls who all seek and openly discuss God. i make time for God there, and not just in groups of people in Christian gatherings... i make time for Him in my personal time. or at least i try a lot harder than i do when i come home... which is barely any at all.

God should be a priority, every day, in every situation. it shouldn't matter where i am, or who i am hanging out with. i should want to be focused on God in everything i do, and with every person i come into contact with. i should make time for Him everyday regardless if i am at my apartment alone or at home with my family. just because other people occupy more of my time when i come home, does not make God any less important. He should be number one, first, above everyone. but often times, i end up putting God on the back burner when i come home. i get so involved in seeing everyone, and doing all these things, that i don't make time for Him. and in the process, i lose what i went away to find... which is myself. the girl who wants to make the right choices. who wants to please God in everything i do. the girl who genuinely cares about everyone, and doesn't get caught up in silly drama or let alcohol affect the way she acts, the way she talks, the way she treats people she loves. inside, i am more than i allow my friends to see when i come home.

i come home and allow myself to fall back into the same patterns. the drinking. the drama. the bad decisions. it really disgusts me actually. and its the same thing every time. this summer my friend and i had this conversation, and attempted to do a bible study... we failed. today, i seriously considered whether coming home this summer is a good idea. i thought it was a for sure thing... yeah, i'm coming home. but now i'm not so sure. i love the people here. i love my friends. but that also means i let things go a lot more easily, just because i do know all those people. i justify things. because i'm home. because i'm safe. because... la la la. sometimes it takes things for God to really grab ahold of you. well, God was grabbing ahold of me today. i felt awful about things from last night ( i won't go into details ). the point is that, God used how i felt today to really ask me to examine my heart. i'm not that girl from last night. or at least, i don't want to be.

i feel like i say this a lot... but the desire of my heart is to be completely consumed with God. and when i'm walking with God, truly walking with God, choices and actions like the ones i've made lately don't happen. my freshman year of college i took a long break from drinking because i felt that was what God was asking me to do. i need to pray about this some more, but i'm kind of feeling that way now. i need to re-center my life on the one who matters. the only one that matters. the one who loves me. no matter what. the one that keeps saying, "Come back Kari... I'm still here. I'm waiting with open arms, and I'm going to get you through this. I love you."