Reminisce. Remember. Recollect.
Reflect on what has brought you to this moment.
Right here. Right now. Who are you?
And how did you become the person you are today?
we don’t just wake up one morning and decide – oh, now i’m going to be this way, without any rhyme or reason as to why. we develop over time. just as we develop from a child into an adolescent into an adult – we also develop who we are as individuals. and who we are is a reflection on what defines us. the elements of our past. the people. the places. the situations. the let-downs. the triumphs. the lessons… they all brought us to this moment. they are all responsible for who we are. and sometimes you need to take a step back and recall what influenced your present.
before i continue, allow me to clarify something: i am not saying to live in the past. i am simply asking that you appreciate how the past influenced who you are. so often i think we forget, or simply dismiss important elements of our lives. maybe because we no longer care, maybe because it is too painful, or maybe because we simply forget. things change. people, activities, and hobbies you used to find important change too, but don’t forget how those things used to make you feel. we all have parts of our past we would rather forget, but we shouldn’t. on the contrary we should embrace them…
live without regret. there are definitely parts of my past i’m not proud of, parts of my past that hurt to remember. i’ve lied. i’ve been lied to. i’ve hurt myself emotionally. i’ve hurt people i love. i’ve made bad choices. i’ve lost pieces of myself. i’ve held grudges. i’ve lost friendships. i’ve lived selfishly. i’ve cheated. i’ve behaved in a way not pleasing to God or myself. i’ve let people take advantage of me. i’ve made mistakes. i’ve lost loved ones. i’ve given in to temptation. i’ve had my heart broken. i’ve hurt myself physically. i’ve let things and people make up my self-worth. i’ve been dirty. i’ve been low… and i am thankful for every moment. every experience. every mistake. every person. because they brought me to today, to who i am.
last night at bible study, we had a heated discussion about how God creates us in His image – and how He wants the best for us. i won’t get into the opposing viewpoint, but the truth of the matter is this: i am God’s child. and my self-worth is defined through Him, not other people, not from my past, not from my works. my relationship with Him is the important thing. and God does not tempt me, God does not set things in front of me to hurt me. God gave me a free will, and i may choose to allow sin and pain to enter my life, but when i turn back to Him, He is always there. and i believe that God uses pain and suffering in our lives to bring us closer to Him, to teach us something.
i have no regrets because my past has taught me valuable life lessons. my past has brought me closer to God. my past holds within it people who changed my life, people i will remember for the rest of my life. my past holds pieces of who i was, who i am, and who i will always be. i carry those things with me and i hold them tight. because i am grateful for it all. i don’t dwell on the past, because i don’t think it’s healthy or beneficial, but i do think it is important to remember. because you can’t block out parts of your life. each piece is influential to who you are. ignoring a part of the puzzle gives you an incomplete picture, and the people who make up your life now, the people important to you now, deserve to see the whole picture – so let them. own your past, your present, and your future. it’s yours.
September 17, 2009
August 23, 2009
the start of something new.
i am twenty years old... twenty years and four months. in the scheme of things; the bigger picture, that's relatively young. but i feel old. maybe its because for the first time in my life i am actually doing something huge on my own... going to school, not knowing one single person. which is something i probably should have done two years ago, but better late than never right? oh, and did i mention i'm living on my own. a cute cozy one bedroom apartment, which i love. responsible for paying my own bills, cooking for me and me alone, la la la. even went and had a job interview yesterday. it feels weird considering i've worked at bear country for six years, and i don't really think i even had to interview barely. its been a great job, but its also kind of been like a comfortable shell. as has following my friends my whole life. lets be honest here - friends are important. and when your family starts driving you insane - they are even more important. like a lifeline. but at some point you have to realize that while friends help shape who you are, they don't make up everything about you. you have to stand on your own to feet and own who you are as individual. and now is my chance. nobody knows who i am. where i've been. or what i've done. i am allowed to shape my the rest of my future, and its in my control - i don't have to follow anyone. ahhhh. i'm blabbing. i have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, i know that this is for the best but its really scary starting over half way through school. i feel like a freshman all over again, not knowing where things are on campus - trying to find my classes, ahhh. lol. but its exciting too. and i'm making my apartment feel like home and eventually it will. and it will be all mine. woot. alright. enough for now. maybe something more substantial will come in the future. lates.
July 22, 2009
be bold, jump in the cold water.
"what if it turns out that life isn't defined by who you belong to or where you came from, by what you wished for or whom you've lost, but instead by the moments you spend getting from each of these places to the next?"
there are moments that define who you are. experiences that wouldn't be the same had they been shared with an alternate group of people. decisions that influence your life - that take you in a completely different direction from where you had previously been. every breathe. every word. every choice. every person. every day. and step by step you are changing, learning, growing. defining moments of your life. putting away memories that will last a lifetime. and at the same time, letting little things pass you by...
sometimes i just wish i could replay things and take a deeper look. let me paint a scenario for you:
walking down the bike path at eleven o'clock at night, instead of just simply walking - maybe just stop. look up. appreciate the stars. take a second and say thank you. or maybe just breathe it in - the cool night air and the scent of summer. the way it feels on your exposed skin, shaven legs and bare arms. how you can take off your shoes and the cement feels good beneath your feet. how summer is a time for adventures. for doing things you shouldn't, or perhaps, you should.
friends gather together, for a multitude of activities propelled by our curiosty, our sense of adventure, and our longing to do things out of the ordinary. for example, sneaking into one of the neighborhood pools. and while the task itself is rather simple, to make it into a sort of secret mission is what makes it an adventure: sprinting down the sidewalk, shed from clothes... swimsuits and shorts alone remain. creeping into the overgrown grass, you wait. for the perfect moment. the chance to break in. to go beyond the fences put up to keep people out after hours. huddled with friends, you wait. for the signal. and then run, once again. bare legs scratching against worn wood. knees caught on edges. all the while trying to stay silent. once over the countdown begins. and then running continues, followed by jumping, and diving into the pool like school kids trying to get outside at recess. the water is warm. refreshing. faces surface with smiles and laughter. innocent rebellion. pure enjoyment. and the boys will be boys - creating a few more large splashes before the freedom in the pool has expired. and then once again the chase is on, from who there never will be an answer. only the thrill of knowing that you could be caught. might be caught. and so to not waste any time - instead to just run. cold air now chilling beneath the skin, but the adrenaline warming the body right back up again. a pattern of wet footprints scattered across the pavement... a path to the guilty, but only briefly as the warm summer air dries moments later. the adventure has gone without flaw. a checkmark to one of the many "must-do's" of the summer. and as it comes to a close, you have to stop and take a breathe...
these are the moments worth fighting for. random experiences with those you are comfortable with. people who are down for anything. for living in the moment. for not being afraid to say yes. its easy to back away, to hide from the what-if's. but it takes greater character to stand up and follow through. my friends don't back down. and that is why i love them. that is why summer is a time for breathing in deep, diving in, and never looking back. because once a moment passes, you never get it back. no regrets. just living life for all its worth.
July 14, 2009
rain on me.
"people often tell you to dance in the rain. but, i prefer to run. something about the rain soaking through my clothes, dripping down my face, makes me feel refreshed. pushes me to run faster. allows me to appreciate God and the beauty of His creation. as the rain washes over me and my feet run against the pavement, i am surrounded with a sense of peace. and suddenly the world is right." - me.
last night, me and my friend brooke went for a trail run. even before we started the clouds were looking pretty dark, and it was thundering. half of the run was amidst a lot of trees, and not long after we got out into the open it just started pouring. as we were getting soaked brooke just yelled, "thank you God! you are so amazing!" and in that moment i really just felt God's presence around us. just acknowledging that He was the one that was making it rain, He was the one responsible for all the beauty around us. we both openly felt the same way. and so we spent the next few moments just really talking about God and how we were doing. it was like the rain gave us an opening to just talk about how we were doing. honestly, we were both pretty frustrated.
its easy to criticize for the things that don't go the way you want them to. to get upset over little things. to get angry for no reason. to not appreciate all the things God does give you, because you are too caught up in all your own crap to focus on all the things you have been given. i find myself getting upset over little things like friends not calling, or this or that and not giving thanks for the friends i have. the blessings God has given me. my family. the list goes on and on. and also, the other night i was praying for my friend mat who went in to have his heart looked at... and i just felt like i shouldn't even be praying because i hadn't even made time for God on a day to day basis for just the two of us. i felt like i shouldn't be asking for things when i haven't even putting God anywhere close to first in my life lately.
so brooke and i had a really great talk, as we enjoyed the rain soaking us to the core. and when we finished running we sat together and just prayed. it was just a really amazing thing to be able to fellowship doing something i really enjoy. running alone allows me to get rid of a lot of stress and focus on things, and combining that with good christian fellowship and focus on the One who brought us together. the whole experience was just really encouraging, and gave me a little bit more hope than i have had lately. :) amazing how God uses the little things to lift us up. i am so grateful for that.
last night, me and my friend brooke went for a trail run. even before we started the clouds were looking pretty dark, and it was thundering. half of the run was amidst a lot of trees, and not long after we got out into the open it just started pouring. as we were getting soaked brooke just yelled, "thank you God! you are so amazing!" and in that moment i really just felt God's presence around us. just acknowledging that He was the one that was making it rain, He was the one responsible for all the beauty around us. we both openly felt the same way. and so we spent the next few moments just really talking about God and how we were doing. it was like the rain gave us an opening to just talk about how we were doing. honestly, we were both pretty frustrated.
its easy to criticize for the things that don't go the way you want them to. to get upset over little things. to get angry for no reason. to not appreciate all the things God does give you, because you are too caught up in all your own crap to focus on all the things you have been given. i find myself getting upset over little things like friends not calling, or this or that and not giving thanks for the friends i have. the blessings God has given me. my family. the list goes on and on. and also, the other night i was praying for my friend mat who went in to have his heart looked at... and i just felt like i shouldn't even be praying because i hadn't even made time for God on a day to day basis for just the two of us. i felt like i shouldn't be asking for things when i haven't even putting God anywhere close to first in my life lately.
so brooke and i had a really great talk, as we enjoyed the rain soaking us to the core. and when we finished running we sat together and just prayed. it was just a really amazing thing to be able to fellowship doing something i really enjoy. running alone allows me to get rid of a lot of stress and focus on things, and combining that with good christian fellowship and focus on the One who brought us together. the whole experience was just really encouraging, and gave me a little bit more hope than i have had lately. :) amazing how God uses the little things to lift us up. i am so grateful for that.
June 22, 2009
you can't please everyone.
"the people that have known you the longest know you in a way that other people can't because they've seen you change, they've let you change."
i seem to have a habit at slacking off at this blog. it's not intentional, i swear... just one of those things. we'll try and bring it back into focus here. i know at least one person will appreciate it! ;) since my last update LOTS of stuff has gone down in my life. [by that i mean, has happened]
i have been working a lot, which i absolutely hate. it's my sixth summer working there and i'm just over the whole scene. i sit in a little room for almost 12 hours a day, and run a cash register - basically, do absolutely nothing. which is sweet, cuz i'm getting paid for it but i'm reaching a point in my life where i would like to be doing something that requires a little more skill. or uses a little more energy. or exercises my brain in at least some way. not to mention, all this drama is going down. oh did i mention i'm the supervisor? yea... so i get to deal with all of it. basically the girls i'm in charge of are not happy. making the schedule for july is going to be impossible. i wish i could just let someone else deal with it. i hate drama, and i'm not going to play into it. my life quote lately has become :: "you can't please everyone." :)
other than that... I GOT AN APARTMENT IN GREELEY!!!!! things are becoming real now. yes, for those of you who don't know i chose greeley, co as my next place of education - University of Northern Colorado! i went down a couple weekends ago - left at 6 o'clock in the morning. was home by ten at night. apartment in the bag! it was such a God thing, i can't even tell you. my landlord is absolutely amazing. he showed us around town. took me and my mom out to lunch. made us coffee before we hit the road. its a one bedroom apartment in a triplex, like a house. (a 55ish year old couple lives on the top, and a 40 year old single guy lives in one side of the basement, i live on the other) i'm stoked. its in a nice neighborhood, not as close to campus as i would have wanted but its somewhere that i'm going to feel safe - and that i think is important in a town and an area that i know absolutely NOTHING about. God provides, and its amazing. did i mention that my landlord's wife is hopefully getting me a job? she manages payless and they sent me an application in the mail a couple days ago! so hopefully it works out :)
AS FOR MY FRIENDS: there are times when we all get a little crazy - we drink too much beer, sing at the top of our lungs, stay awake until the sun is rising, laugh until our sides hurt, and take hundreds of pictures. and yet, underneath all the chaos, there are relationships that will last. conversations in the dark, secrets shared, and bonds of trust made. and after a night has ended, morning comes and you appreciate your friends. not because they know how to party, but because they know how to be there when it matters. everyone gets a little crazy sometimes, but in the midst of the mayhem of life and all it throws at you - there are those friends who will never back down. who will always show up. who will always be there; open arms and open ears.
i love my friends. i basically have been hanging out with the same people on a daily basis, and its been awesome. i've been neglecting some other people but sometimes i just can't handle the drama. recently i realized that i would much rather spend my summer, and my time here, with people who have remained constants through the last couple years, people who i know are still going to be there, people who actually care about who i am as a person. why waste my time with those who are only friends when its convenient? and especially those people who get upset when i don't see them, who get mad over the dumbest things. so i have been choosing to just not hang out with those people, and yea they are pissed - but i can't please everyone. and frankly i'm having a blast filling my time with those i have been seeing. so yea... the summer is going great.
the only complaint i have is not spending more time with God. me and my friend liz got this book for a bible study - its called "sex and the soul of a woman". deals with sex in today's society and the pressures of engaging in sexual activities with men. something we both struggle with, so we thought it would be a good pick. :) we've both been reading it on our own but still have yet to get together and go through the study part of it. which sucks. idk why, but its so hard to stay focused on God during the summer - i guess there is always a million things to do and He gets put on the back burner. the other day i was really feeling convicted about it, and went and spent a couple hours in the park just reading my bible and journaling. felt so good. it just hurts me to know that i'm not giving Him the attention He deserves, and that i'm struggling as a result. i NEED God. and i want to be focusing on Him. and i just hope that the rest of the summer gets a little stronger in that area. we will see, me and liz are definitely making an effort!
well folks, ta ta for now! i have the day off and its sunny out so i'm gonna get some rays! considering it has rained literally EVER DAY this month. who knows how long it will last today. hopefully i will do this again soon, until then. loves.
i seem to have a habit at slacking off at this blog. it's not intentional, i swear... just one of those things. we'll try and bring it back into focus here. i know at least one person will appreciate it! ;) since my last update LOTS of stuff has gone down in my life. [by that i mean, has happened]
i have been working a lot, which i absolutely hate. it's my sixth summer working there and i'm just over the whole scene. i sit in a little room for almost 12 hours a day, and run a cash register - basically, do absolutely nothing. which is sweet, cuz i'm getting paid for it but i'm reaching a point in my life where i would like to be doing something that requires a little more skill. or uses a little more energy. or exercises my brain in at least some way. not to mention, all this drama is going down. oh did i mention i'm the supervisor? yea... so i get to deal with all of it. basically the girls i'm in charge of are not happy. making the schedule for july is going to be impossible. i wish i could just let someone else deal with it. i hate drama, and i'm not going to play into it. my life quote lately has become :: "you can't please everyone." :)
other than that... I GOT AN APARTMENT IN GREELEY!!!!! things are becoming real now. yes, for those of you who don't know i chose greeley, co as my next place of education - University of Northern Colorado! i went down a couple weekends ago - left at 6 o'clock in the morning. was home by ten at night. apartment in the bag! it was such a God thing, i can't even tell you. my landlord is absolutely amazing. he showed us around town. took me and my mom out to lunch. made us coffee before we hit the road. its a one bedroom apartment in a triplex, like a house. (a 55ish year old couple lives on the top, and a 40 year old single guy lives in one side of the basement, i live on the other) i'm stoked. its in a nice neighborhood, not as close to campus as i would have wanted but its somewhere that i'm going to feel safe - and that i think is important in a town and an area that i know absolutely NOTHING about. God provides, and its amazing. did i mention that my landlord's wife is hopefully getting me a job? she manages payless and they sent me an application in the mail a couple days ago! so hopefully it works out :)
AS FOR MY FRIENDS: there are times when we all get a little crazy - we drink too much beer, sing at the top of our lungs, stay awake until the sun is rising, laugh until our sides hurt, and take hundreds of pictures. and yet, underneath all the chaos, there are relationships that will last. conversations in the dark, secrets shared, and bonds of trust made. and after a night has ended, morning comes and you appreciate your friends. not because they know how to party, but because they know how to be there when it matters. everyone gets a little crazy sometimes, but in the midst of the mayhem of life and all it throws at you - there are those friends who will never back down. who will always show up. who will always be there; open arms and open ears.
i love my friends. i basically have been hanging out with the same people on a daily basis, and its been awesome. i've been neglecting some other people but sometimes i just can't handle the drama. recently i realized that i would much rather spend my summer, and my time here, with people who have remained constants through the last couple years, people who i know are still going to be there, people who actually care about who i am as a person. why waste my time with those who are only friends when its convenient? and especially those people who get upset when i don't see them, who get mad over the dumbest things. so i have been choosing to just not hang out with those people, and yea they are pissed - but i can't please everyone. and frankly i'm having a blast filling my time with those i have been seeing. so yea... the summer is going great.
the only complaint i have is not spending more time with God. me and my friend liz got this book for a bible study - its called "sex and the soul of a woman". deals with sex in today's society and the pressures of engaging in sexual activities with men. something we both struggle with, so we thought it would be a good pick. :) we've both been reading it on our own but still have yet to get together and go through the study part of it. which sucks. idk why, but its so hard to stay focused on God during the summer - i guess there is always a million things to do and He gets put on the back burner. the other day i was really feeling convicted about it, and went and spent a couple hours in the park just reading my bible and journaling. felt so good. it just hurts me to know that i'm not giving Him the attention He deserves, and that i'm struggling as a result. i NEED God. and i want to be focusing on Him. and i just hope that the rest of the summer gets a little stronger in that area. we will see, me and liz are definitely making an effort!
well folks, ta ta for now! i have the day off and its sunny out so i'm gonna get some rays! considering it has rained literally EVER DAY this month. who knows how long it will last today. hopefully i will do this again soon, until then. loves.
May 16, 2009
dry socket and no sleep.
"you can't expect the world to give you what you want; so often you grow from the things you never could have expected"
well, i got my wisdom teeth out on monday. i thought things were going pretty good but one side (right) of my mouth just didn't stop hurting even with the meds, and yesterday at work it became intolerable. so went in, and ta da! dry socket. well the other side (left) felt fine, i even had the doctor take a look at it while i was in there... but for some reason, i'm pretty sure the same thing is now occuring there as well. what changed in the last twelve hours is beyond me but i have been awake since three... it is now five fifteen and ow! pain! since i obviously can't sleep i thought i would blog, and make some use of my time... i have to work at 7:45, not really sure how that is going to go. not to mention its a saturday so i'm pretty sure the office isn't open. fml.
so summer is here, apparently? i wouldn't know i have spent it recovering from this ordeal, barely done anything i would consider "summery". except getting armadillos already, twice! (armadillos is this locally owned ice cream place for all you non-rapidcitians, and it is absolutely AMAZING. one of the best things of the summer by far, flavor of the days, slush-whips, shakes, the whole biznaz.) but besides that... our family got a dog, puppy actually. twenty years later, i seriously never thought i would see the day, but my dad gave in. black lab. 8 weeks old. most adorable creature you have ever seen. definitely the center of attention this past week. named it ruddy. they are going to train it to be a hunting dog... but i'm enjoying it just as a cute friend while i am home the next few months!
this summer should be interesting to say the least, but its also going to be really good. i'm going to make sure that happens. i already decided i'm not going to put up with drama. one of my girlfriends laughed at me and said good luck, but i'm serious. i know that sometimes drama comes and finds you when you least expect it but i'm not going to deal with it. seriously. my christmas break had drama, and i hated it. there are more important things in life than to deal and fuss over petty little problems. if someone has a problem, we can deal with it maturely or i'm simply going to walk away from the situation. just because drama finds you, doesn't mean you have to entertain it. so i simply am not going to. (am i being unrealistic? i'll let you know how this whole thing works out for me later on lol) life's too short. live every moment. don't act like sixth grade girls who love to create drama. we're adults now. time to start acting like it.
i'm considering jumping in the shower, and then running into town to get lattes for me and my mother. i don't know what else to do at this hour! my mouth is on fire, but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to be able to do anything about that for several hours at least. an early start to my day could be good, and the lord knows i love coffee! plus, i'm sure the mother would enjoy it as well. and perhaps i will take some ibprofen on the way out.... blah. i seriously woke up in bed and was just like, really?? seriously? why, God! OW!!!!! (i'm sure you all care, which is why i am blabbing on about this for two paragraphs... lucky you!) also, this is sporadic and pointless. sleep deprivation is my excuse. i'm gonna peace out for now homies. tty when i know what is going on!
well, i got my wisdom teeth out on monday. i thought things were going pretty good but one side (right) of my mouth just didn't stop hurting even with the meds, and yesterday at work it became intolerable. so went in, and ta da! dry socket. well the other side (left) felt fine, i even had the doctor take a look at it while i was in there... but for some reason, i'm pretty sure the same thing is now occuring there as well. what changed in the last twelve hours is beyond me but i have been awake since three... it is now five fifteen and ow! pain! since i obviously can't sleep i thought i would blog, and make some use of my time... i have to work at 7:45, not really sure how that is going to go. not to mention its a saturday so i'm pretty sure the office isn't open. fml.
so summer is here, apparently? i wouldn't know i have spent it recovering from this ordeal, barely done anything i would consider "summery". except getting armadillos already, twice! (armadillos is this locally owned ice cream place for all you non-rapidcitians, and it is absolutely AMAZING. one of the best things of the summer by far, flavor of the days, slush-whips, shakes, the whole biznaz.) but besides that... our family got a dog, puppy actually. twenty years later, i seriously never thought i would see the day, but my dad gave in. black lab. 8 weeks old. most adorable creature you have ever seen. definitely the center of attention this past week. named it ruddy. they are going to train it to be a hunting dog... but i'm enjoying it just as a cute friend while i am home the next few months!
this summer should be interesting to say the least, but its also going to be really good. i'm going to make sure that happens. i already decided i'm not going to put up with drama. one of my girlfriends laughed at me and said good luck, but i'm serious. i know that sometimes drama comes and finds you when you least expect it but i'm not going to deal with it. seriously. my christmas break had drama, and i hated it. there are more important things in life than to deal and fuss over petty little problems. if someone has a problem, we can deal with it maturely or i'm simply going to walk away from the situation. just because drama finds you, doesn't mean you have to entertain it. so i simply am not going to. (am i being unrealistic? i'll let you know how this whole thing works out for me later on lol) life's too short. live every moment. don't act like sixth grade girls who love to create drama. we're adults now. time to start acting like it.
i'm considering jumping in the shower, and then running into town to get lattes for me and my mother. i don't know what else to do at this hour! my mouth is on fire, but i'm pretty sure i'm not going to be able to do anything about that for several hours at least. an early start to my day could be good, and the lord knows i love coffee! plus, i'm sure the mother would enjoy it as well. and perhaps i will take some ibprofen on the way out.... blah. i seriously woke up in bed and was just like, really?? seriously? why, God! OW!!!!! (i'm sure you all care, which is why i am blabbing on about this for two paragraphs... lucky you!) also, this is sporadic and pointless. sleep deprivation is my excuse. i'm gonna peace out for now homies. tty when i know what is going on!
April 28, 2009
i believe i can fly?
"deep within yourself there is a part of you that can do it. that can reach beyond your comfort-level, beyond your fears, and soar above the norm. you posess the ability to fly. to run. to dream. to lay all of your inhibitions aside, and let go. conquer what everyone tells you is impossible. prove them wrong, more than that - prove it to yourself." - ME
change change change. i feel like that is all i have been talking about lately. maybe because it has been a big part of my life... and it never ends. and as much as i know it is necessary, as much as i know it is something that has to happen, as much as i know that without it i wouldn't be where i am today... i still don't have to like it all of the time. sometimes i really would just like to push pause. push rewind. and then make a decision that keeps me where i am, or keeps other people where i am. i think that is the hardest. because if i know i need to get up and move away, to experience something new, that's fine because it is my decision. not to say its always easy, but i can cope with it better because it is in my control. when other people make the decisions for me... i'm not as okay with that.
one of my best friends from home just called me to tell me she isn't coming home for the summer. i should say that we really only got really close last summer, and then we spent practically every day together over christmas break. i was so looking forward to spending a whole bunch of time with her this summer again. i didn't handle it very well, i'm going to be honest. out of my control, i just start crying on the phone and i couldn't speak because i was trying to hold it in. finally i said i would just talk to her later... got off the phone and bawled. it is a huge dissapointment. and on top of everything else lately, its just like OKAY GOD!? I know that these things have to happen for a reason but seriously?? All at once? it's becoming too much to handle, especially on top of all the final end of the year school stuff i have going on. i find myself not even wanting to put any effort into my schoolwork anymore because i am so overwhelmed with all the extra things i have going on in my life.
that's another thing. i can be so excited for summer, and at the same time i don't want this to end. i'm not ready to say goodbye. i'm not ready to leave this all behind. it is two completely different worlds and i am going to miss this one. the one at home i know will always be there, along with the friends that are a part of it. but this one - it's a little different. and after its all said and done, how many friendships will remain? some of my friends are graduating this year. and they are saying their goodbyes. and its just like it never ends. no matter if you stay or go, there will always be goodbyes to be had, changes to accept. i just really wasn't ready to deal with them at home yet... i thought this summer would be just as good as the last, and now there is going to be a missing piece of my puzzle. especially with the fact that i have gotten so much closer to her this year, she is the person i talk to the most about stuff... and i just really don't want to let that go. she is coming home for two days. TWO DAYS. and that is for her sister's graduation... i just really didn't know what to say. it really sucks. and i don't want to deal with it.
if you can't tell: i'm struggling a bit right now. its hard to see God's plan in all this when right now i feel like i'm just moving forward into a grey area that i have no idea how to maneuver. blah.
change change change. i feel like that is all i have been talking about lately. maybe because it has been a big part of my life... and it never ends. and as much as i know it is necessary, as much as i know it is something that has to happen, as much as i know that without it i wouldn't be where i am today... i still don't have to like it all of the time. sometimes i really would just like to push pause. push rewind. and then make a decision that keeps me where i am, or keeps other people where i am. i think that is the hardest. because if i know i need to get up and move away, to experience something new, that's fine because it is my decision. not to say its always easy, but i can cope with it better because it is in my control. when other people make the decisions for me... i'm not as okay with that.
one of my best friends from home just called me to tell me she isn't coming home for the summer. i should say that we really only got really close last summer, and then we spent practically every day together over christmas break. i was so looking forward to spending a whole bunch of time with her this summer again. i didn't handle it very well, i'm going to be honest. out of my control, i just start crying on the phone and i couldn't speak because i was trying to hold it in. finally i said i would just talk to her later... got off the phone and bawled. it is a huge dissapointment. and on top of everything else lately, its just like OKAY GOD!? I know that these things have to happen for a reason but seriously?? All at once? it's becoming too much to handle, especially on top of all the final end of the year school stuff i have going on. i find myself not even wanting to put any effort into my schoolwork anymore because i am so overwhelmed with all the extra things i have going on in my life.
that's another thing. i can be so excited for summer, and at the same time i don't want this to end. i'm not ready to say goodbye. i'm not ready to leave this all behind. it is two completely different worlds and i am going to miss this one. the one at home i know will always be there, along with the friends that are a part of it. but this one - it's a little different. and after its all said and done, how many friendships will remain? some of my friends are graduating this year. and they are saying their goodbyes. and its just like it never ends. no matter if you stay or go, there will always be goodbyes to be had, changes to accept. i just really wasn't ready to deal with them at home yet... i thought this summer would be just as good as the last, and now there is going to be a missing piece of my puzzle. especially with the fact that i have gotten so much closer to her this year, she is the person i talk to the most about stuff... and i just really don't want to let that go. she is coming home for two days. TWO DAYS. and that is for her sister's graduation... i just really didn't know what to say. it really sucks. and i don't want to deal with it.
if you can't tell: i'm struggling a bit right now. its hard to see God's plan in all this when right now i feel like i'm just moving forward into a grey area that i have no idea how to maneuver. blah.
April 21, 2009
God Knows.
I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a couple times since then. -Alice In Wonderland
life is constantly changing, even throughout the course of the day. how you feel when you roll out of bed could be completely different from how you feel at the end of the day. sometimes thats a good thing (you know... rough mornings) or sometimes it can be more frustrating, and you just want the day to end... to crawl back into bed and hope that in the morning things will start anew. and sometimes thats all you need. a fresh start. a fresh start to a day, or perhaps a fresh start to life and where you're at. but sometimes - even if you know thats what you need, you really don't want to follow through with it. its easier to continue with your routine, its easier to stay where you are comfortable, no matter how much you don't want to be there... its familiar. and sometimes that matters more than stepping out of the box. [i'm rambling. i know. i apologize.]
i went to visit colleges this last weekend... which turned out to be singular, college. the plan was to visit University of Northern Colorado (Greeley) and the University of Wyoming (Laramie). well... laramie got about a foot of snow and the roads there got closed, so i didn't get to check it out. super bummed... everyone told me i would like it best, everyone thought that would be the one i would pick. i got to see greeley though, and i really liked it. which makes me wonder even more about laramie. i guess i'm taking it as God closing a door... i have been praying that he would makes things about where i was supposed to go, and by not allowing me to go to laramie... i just think maybe God is saying No, Kari. I have another plan. yet, i just have a really hard time ruling that option out or at least not following through by going and touring the campus. which leaves me still without an answer. its really all i have been thinkinga bout since i got back to school. i can't help walking around campus and comparing the two in my head. what's better about there, why would i stay here, pluses, minuses, differences... the list goes on and on. i can't get it out of my mind, its driving me crazy! i'm afraid to say what i think aloud, because i want to be sure before i start telling people or acting like i'm committing to one or the other. i really do think i have some idea... but i'm scared out of my mind. more than that, i want to make sure i'm making the choice God has for me and not just what i want. i want to follow His voice. His calling. His plan. not my own... i've done that before. doesn't seem to work out so well. so prayer. lots and lots of prayer.
Psalm 139: 23 - "search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." i was directed there in my devotions today... and i know He knows my heart, He knows my concerns, He knows my worries. He knows where I am supposed to be next fall. and that is what i have to hold onto. that is what we all have to hold onto. God will bless those who follow His calling, when we go our own way we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. He will continue to work through those choices, but He knows best - so why not just follow Him the first time around! i know, i know what you're thinking - how do you know? my mom told me that He will give you a desire and a peace. a desire to want to go/do, and a peace about it. other than that, i guess you just have to listen. sometimes i'm not really sure either. still one of those things i struggle with. but He will make a way. :)
okay. i don't even know if any of this is making any sense. so i'm going to close out for the night. loveee!
life is constantly changing, even throughout the course of the day. how you feel when you roll out of bed could be completely different from how you feel at the end of the day. sometimes thats a good thing (you know... rough mornings) or sometimes it can be more frustrating, and you just want the day to end... to crawl back into bed and hope that in the morning things will start anew. and sometimes thats all you need. a fresh start. a fresh start to a day, or perhaps a fresh start to life and where you're at. but sometimes - even if you know thats what you need, you really don't want to follow through with it. its easier to continue with your routine, its easier to stay where you are comfortable, no matter how much you don't want to be there... its familiar. and sometimes that matters more than stepping out of the box. [i'm rambling. i know. i apologize.]
i went to visit colleges this last weekend... which turned out to be singular, college. the plan was to visit University of Northern Colorado (Greeley) and the University of Wyoming (Laramie). well... laramie got about a foot of snow and the roads there got closed, so i didn't get to check it out. super bummed... everyone told me i would like it best, everyone thought that would be the one i would pick. i got to see greeley though, and i really liked it. which makes me wonder even more about laramie. i guess i'm taking it as God closing a door... i have been praying that he would makes things about where i was supposed to go, and by not allowing me to go to laramie... i just think maybe God is saying No, Kari. I have another plan. yet, i just have a really hard time ruling that option out or at least not following through by going and touring the campus. which leaves me still without an answer. its really all i have been thinkinga bout since i got back to school. i can't help walking around campus and comparing the two in my head. what's better about there, why would i stay here, pluses, minuses, differences... the list goes on and on. i can't get it out of my mind, its driving me crazy! i'm afraid to say what i think aloud, because i want to be sure before i start telling people or acting like i'm committing to one or the other. i really do think i have some idea... but i'm scared out of my mind. more than that, i want to make sure i'm making the choice God has for me and not just what i want. i want to follow His voice. His calling. His plan. not my own... i've done that before. doesn't seem to work out so well. so prayer. lots and lots of prayer.
Psalm 139: 23 - "search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." i was directed there in my devotions today... and i know He knows my heart, He knows my concerns, He knows my worries. He knows where I am supposed to be next fall. and that is what i have to hold onto. that is what we all have to hold onto. God will bless those who follow His calling, when we go our own way we have to be prepared to deal with the consequences. He will continue to work through those choices, but He knows best - so why not just follow Him the first time around! i know, i know what you're thinking - how do you know? my mom told me that He will give you a desire and a peace. a desire to want to go/do, and a peace about it. other than that, i guess you just have to listen. sometimes i'm not really sure either. still one of those things i struggle with. but He will make a way. :)
okay. i don't even know if any of this is making any sense. so i'm going to close out for the night. loveee!
April 01, 2009
this is our lives.
"It happens to everyone as they grow up... you find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that the people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the memories but find yourself moving on."
do you ever wonder, if ten years from now you will even talk to the people you now consider your "best friends"? do you ever wonder where will you be in ten years, what you will be doing? will you be married? will you have kids? will you be "successful"? will you look back and wish for the past, or will you be happy in the present, will you be looking towards the future? will you be happy?
the future is unknown. no matter how much we pre-plan, and set goals for ourselves, for where we want to be in the future. our lives can change in a matter of an instant. in a moment, you can decide to change the course of your life. in a moment, you can alter your future. we don't know where we will be ten years from now, twenty years from now. we can hope for this or that, or assume that we will get "real jobs", and have a family... but in reality, God might have something else in the cards for us. and you have to realize that whatever that is, He is going to use you, and He is going to work through whatever the future brings to work for His glory.
my friend laura and i were discussing life yesterday. with the looming question of whether or not i will still be attending msu - mankato next fall, we were contemplating how things change, and how fast. this year some of our closest friends here are graduating, and will we stay in touch with them? already we have seperated from our high school friends, and had to deal with those losses, or at least the change of not seeing them on a daily basis. and now, we will be asked to do it again. the cycle never really ends. and regardless of whether or not i transfer, i am going to have to keep dealing with ever-changing friendships. we both feel the same about it, we hate it. we hate saying goodbye to people. we hate not knowing if the connection will be maintained, or if it will evaporate over time. we love our friends. we never want to let any of them go. and yet, we have to keep holding onto the truth - God uses changes for the good. without them, we would never get anywhere. and i know i said this last time, but i really believe that friendships can last through changes, but you have to be willing to fight for them. when distance comes between people, and they continue to grow as individuals apart from each other, the friendship takes work. but its worth it, i know that for a fact. if want someone to continue to be a part of your life, you have to hold on to them, you have to fight for them, you have to show them that you care, that letting go is not an option. change will end some friendships. time, and distance are too much for some people to handle. and in the process, sometimes you discover that some friends aren't worth fighting for, and some might just slip away. that's a part of life. and new friends will enter in when you least expect it, but hold on to the old ones too - hold on to your lifesavers. hold on to the people who know your past, your present, and who you want to be a part of your future.
i don't know what next year is going to bring for me. either way, it will seperate me from people i love -those i already am away from, or the friendships i have here. either way, its going to be hard. if i stay it might take me awhile to understand why God still wants me here, because i don't love it, and coming back here break after break always is hard. yet if i go, i will once again have to rely on God to put in my path people who will encourage me - i will be starting all over yet again, and thats not going to be easy either. no matter what happens, God has a plan. God has a purpose for my life, and wherever i end up i have to believe that He is going to use that to teach me, to allow me to grow in His image, and bring me closer to the person i want to be. change can hurt us, change can tear us apart, but change can also bring us closer to God, and closer to who we are striving to become. every day is a new choice to live to the fullest. every day our future can change in an instant. every day God is directing our footsteps.
do you ever wonder, if ten years from now you will even talk to the people you now consider your "best friends"? do you ever wonder where will you be in ten years, what you will be doing? will you be married? will you have kids? will you be "successful"? will you look back and wish for the past, or will you be happy in the present, will you be looking towards the future? will you be happy?
the future is unknown. no matter how much we pre-plan, and set goals for ourselves, for where we want to be in the future. our lives can change in a matter of an instant. in a moment, you can decide to change the course of your life. in a moment, you can alter your future. we don't know where we will be ten years from now, twenty years from now. we can hope for this or that, or assume that we will get "real jobs", and have a family... but in reality, God might have something else in the cards for us. and you have to realize that whatever that is, He is going to use you, and He is going to work through whatever the future brings to work for His glory.
my friend laura and i were discussing life yesterday. with the looming question of whether or not i will still be attending msu - mankato next fall, we were contemplating how things change, and how fast. this year some of our closest friends here are graduating, and will we stay in touch with them? already we have seperated from our high school friends, and had to deal with those losses, or at least the change of not seeing them on a daily basis. and now, we will be asked to do it again. the cycle never really ends. and regardless of whether or not i transfer, i am going to have to keep dealing with ever-changing friendships. we both feel the same about it, we hate it. we hate saying goodbye to people. we hate not knowing if the connection will be maintained, or if it will evaporate over time. we love our friends. we never want to let any of them go. and yet, we have to keep holding onto the truth - God uses changes for the good. without them, we would never get anywhere. and i know i said this last time, but i really believe that friendships can last through changes, but you have to be willing to fight for them. when distance comes between people, and they continue to grow as individuals apart from each other, the friendship takes work. but its worth it, i know that for a fact. if want someone to continue to be a part of your life, you have to hold on to them, you have to fight for them, you have to show them that you care, that letting go is not an option. change will end some friendships. time, and distance are too much for some people to handle. and in the process, sometimes you discover that some friends aren't worth fighting for, and some might just slip away. that's a part of life. and new friends will enter in when you least expect it, but hold on to the old ones too - hold on to your lifesavers. hold on to the people who know your past, your present, and who you want to be a part of your future.
i don't know what next year is going to bring for me. either way, it will seperate me from people i love -those i already am away from, or the friendships i have here. either way, its going to be hard. if i stay it might take me awhile to understand why God still wants me here, because i don't love it, and coming back here break after break always is hard. yet if i go, i will once again have to rely on God to put in my path people who will encourage me - i will be starting all over yet again, and thats not going to be easy either. no matter what happens, God has a plan. God has a purpose for my life, and wherever i end up i have to believe that He is going to use that to teach me, to allow me to grow in His image, and bring me closer to the person i want to be. change can hurt us, change can tear us apart, but change can also bring us closer to God, and closer to who we are striving to become. every day is a new choice to live to the fullest. every day our future can change in an instant. every day God is directing our footsteps.
March 22, 2009
i will fight for you.
i will fight for you, because you've changed my life. you've made me who i am. you've given me someone to lean on. you've taught me how to be myself. and you don't even know it.
these boys have changed my life :) cam. connor. nick.
this is liz :) she is amazing, and i would be lost without her.
sometimes you wait around for something so long, that you form all these expectations for what it should be. you talk it up to something great, and sometimes when you expect too much you end up dissapointed in the end. and yet other times, your expectations are exceeded and you are surprised. sometimes things turn out better than you could have ever imagined. i knew my spring break was going to be good. but i didn't know it was going to be absolutely amazing. i didn't know it was going to go down as one of the best weeks i have ever had in my life. i didn't know how much it was going to affect me.
nick came to rapid from arizona, the first time we've seen him in almost a year. in high school all of us were very close - especially when it came to cross country and track, but now its hard to see each other. so cam and i made sure that we got to see nick this break. from the time he arrived saturday night it was clear that the week was going to be filled with random adventures, great times, and barely any sleep. why sleep when you can spend your time having fun with the people you care about? you can sleep when you're dead! ha. just to give you an idea, the first night we all stayed up till 6:30 in the morning talking (after going on a hike at 1:30). got up at 9:30. got together later and stayed up late once again. the whole week was filled with a reunion of friends. dinners together. hikes after midnight. and simply enjoying each other's company and having conversation after conversation.
this week made me want to quit school. i would love to live in a house with 10 of my closest friends and simply enjoy each other's company on a daily basis... cam and i joked about it tonight. just quit school. convince the people we want to join us to do it to. no hesitation. hike around the country. live in fellowship with other people. experience random adventures. surround yourself with the people who make you who you are. you are able to put a smile on your face no matter what's going on in your life. what's holding you back? life, reality, obligation. sure - but wouldn't it be great to just be able to say screw it. lets just live life. i wish. because i had so much fun this week. and honestly, the times when i'm happiest are the times when i can surround myself with the people i care about. and that's what life should be shouldn't it? spending time with those you love. i wish it happened more.
i am so happy. (more than a little sad that i had to go back to school, i cried a good couple hours the last few days about it but). this week just made me appreciate the people who are in my life so much. and just be able to see how people can come together, even after a year or two and still click in the same way. how things can fall into place, and it's like no time has passed at all. and suddenly you remember what was good about your past, suddenly you remember the things you miss about high school, about being "young" again. as far as a team, we had a great thing - and those are memories that can never be replaced. that experience changed my life, and this week made me realize that those bonds can be formed again - or at least put into place for occasions such as these. it took me back. it made things simple again. it made me simply enjoy life for all it has to offer. one o'clock in the morning and someone suggests a hike - why not? one life to live. live in the moment. do things you don't normally do.
aww. i wish i could describe this whole week to you. i'm just amazed at how wonderful it was. i want to relive it, over and over again. and more than that, i never want to let my friends go. there are some people who are just worth holding on to. and that's what friendships are - just like any commitment or activity. they are choices. everyday you can choose the amount of effort you are going to put towards it. everyday you get to decide how much you care. i care so much. and i am going to fight for my friends. i refuse to let them go over something stupid, i refuse to let us lose touch. i refuse to allow things to change when the choice is in my hands. in our hands. we get to choose what friendships survive, just like we get to choose the other things we put ourselves into. nothing comes without effort, nothing comes without some work. things might not always be easy - but if you keep fighting, you will be glad you did. i'm going to fight for my friends - because they are the people who know me. they are the ones who allow me to be myself. they are the ones who allow me to live. without them - i would be lost.
these boys have changed my life :) cam. connor. nick.
this is liz :) she is amazing, and i would be lost without her.
sometimes you wait around for something so long, that you form all these expectations for what it should be. you talk it up to something great, and sometimes when you expect too much you end up dissapointed in the end. and yet other times, your expectations are exceeded and you are surprised. sometimes things turn out better than you could have ever imagined. i knew my spring break was going to be good. but i didn't know it was going to be absolutely amazing. i didn't know it was going to go down as one of the best weeks i have ever had in my life. i didn't know how much it was going to affect me.
nick came to rapid from arizona, the first time we've seen him in almost a year. in high school all of us were very close - especially when it came to cross country and track, but now its hard to see each other. so cam and i made sure that we got to see nick this break. from the time he arrived saturday night it was clear that the week was going to be filled with random adventures, great times, and barely any sleep. why sleep when you can spend your time having fun with the people you care about? you can sleep when you're dead! ha. just to give you an idea, the first night we all stayed up till 6:30 in the morning talking (after going on a hike at 1:30). got up at 9:30. got together later and stayed up late once again. the whole week was filled with a reunion of friends. dinners together. hikes after midnight. and simply enjoying each other's company and having conversation after conversation.
this week made me want to quit school. i would love to live in a house with 10 of my closest friends and simply enjoy each other's company on a daily basis... cam and i joked about it tonight. just quit school. convince the people we want to join us to do it to. no hesitation. hike around the country. live in fellowship with other people. experience random adventures. surround yourself with the people who make you who you are. you are able to put a smile on your face no matter what's going on in your life. what's holding you back? life, reality, obligation. sure - but wouldn't it be great to just be able to say screw it. lets just live life. i wish. because i had so much fun this week. and honestly, the times when i'm happiest are the times when i can surround myself with the people i care about. and that's what life should be shouldn't it? spending time with those you love. i wish it happened more.
i am so happy. (more than a little sad that i had to go back to school, i cried a good couple hours the last few days about it but). this week just made me appreciate the people who are in my life so much. and just be able to see how people can come together, even after a year or two and still click in the same way. how things can fall into place, and it's like no time has passed at all. and suddenly you remember what was good about your past, suddenly you remember the things you miss about high school, about being "young" again. as far as a team, we had a great thing - and those are memories that can never be replaced. that experience changed my life, and this week made me realize that those bonds can be formed again - or at least put into place for occasions such as these. it took me back. it made things simple again. it made me simply enjoy life for all it has to offer. one o'clock in the morning and someone suggests a hike - why not? one life to live. live in the moment. do things you don't normally do.
aww. i wish i could describe this whole week to you. i'm just amazed at how wonderful it was. i want to relive it, over and over again. and more than that, i never want to let my friends go. there are some people who are just worth holding on to. and that's what friendships are - just like any commitment or activity. they are choices. everyday you can choose the amount of effort you are going to put towards it. everyday you get to decide how much you care. i care so much. and i am going to fight for my friends. i refuse to let them go over something stupid, i refuse to let us lose touch. i refuse to allow things to change when the choice is in my hands. in our hands. we get to choose what friendships survive, just like we get to choose the other things we put ourselves into. nothing comes without effort, nothing comes without some work. things might not always be easy - but if you keep fighting, you will be glad you did. i'm going to fight for my friends - because they are the people who know me. they are the ones who allow me to be myself. they are the ones who allow me to live. without them - i would be lost.
March 12, 2009
memories, not goodbyes.
we have all been there. experiencing the lost connection of a relationship. recently, i have been dealing with losing a friend. and i know that people close to me are dealing with the same thing. furthermore, friends of mine dealing with break-ups are going through it too. and so i have been struggling with dealing with this on my own, i have been trying not to care, but in reality - i care more about this than a lot of things. my friends and my family are my life, and letting them go... not really an easy thing to accomplish. so i think i've collected my emotions over the past few days enough that i can write about this in a way that other people are going to understand, instead of just blabbering my emotions across the screen. so here goes nothing ::
people on the outside of the situation tell you to let go. they tell you to just move on. they tell you : you are better than that. you don't deserve to be treated that way. we've all heard, its a common response. and we are expected to believe it is as simple is that - to just let go of the people you care about. your boyfriend or girlfriend, the one you have loved for the past three years. the girl or boy, the friend who has been there through thick and thin. the cousin or the aunt or the sibling, the family member who has stood by your side. all the ones who once made up your heart, your soul, your everything. people on the outside tell you to get over it. they tell you, you'll find someone new. they tell you people can be replaced. maybe its because they think that's what you want to hear - that hearing those words makes it easier, or at least cements into your brain that its not worth your tears. not worth your time. not worth your pain. not worth your worry and your heartache. but maybe they are wrong. maybe those are the completely wrong words.
maybe what we need to hear is : it is going to be hard. it is going to take time. and you might not ever get over it. because when you love someone, when you care about someone - you give them a piece of who you are. you give them pieces of your heart. because real friendships, real relationships are all about giving everything you have. and no matter how much time passes, no matter how much you heal from it, there is always a part of you that you will never get back. because in any relationship, there is give and take. and when its over, you can't just take back all that you have given - especially when its not tangible. so when a relationship ends you lose a part of yourself. and it hurts. you are parting with a piece of who you are, and what will always be a part of you. relationships, friendships, acquaintances - they shape you. they make you. they allow you to grow. they teach you. and part of that process comes with losing those connections. and its not easy. and it will never be easy. no matter how many times it happens, it won't stop hurting. because you are a human being. you have feelings. you have needs. and you have expectations. and when someone disappoints you, when someone leaves your life - you're going to fall before you learn from it. you are going to cry before you talk about it. you are going to get mad before you appreciate all the good things that came from it. its natural, and its going to happen that way. so don't push it aside, don't just move on. take your time - work through it. and accept that you might not ever get over it completely.
losing a friend hurts. (just like a significant other). and its hard to stop putting effort into a relationship that has existed for so long. that's the hardest part for me - because i fight for my friendships. i give them everything i have. honestly, a lot of the friendships i do have i believe exist because i have been the one to fuel the fire a majority of the time. because sometimes that's what it takes. you have to fight for the relationships that mean something to you. because when you give up, they die. but there comes a point when the fighting has to stop. and that's where i'm at. i don't want to just give up. i don't want to give in and accept losing someone i care about. but a relationship takes two people. and while one can fight, the other has to respond. if they don't... then one day, you wake up and you realize that its time to leave it be. maybe, someday, they will come back. maybe someday they will realize on their own that they miss you - but until then, sometimes you have to stop pushing. i have to stop pushing. i have to stop caring. i have to stop worrying about what i did wrong, or what i should have done to change it. i have done all i can. and i have to be okay with that. i have to appreciate the friendships i still have. the ones who really are there still. i have to realize i'm not alone. i have to realize i'm going to be okay.
we are all going to be okay. every lost relationship is just a bump. just a learning curve on the road of life. some are more memorable than others. some cause greater impact than the rest. but they are all a part of our journey. and no matter how many miles seperate us from them, there is no changing that. so we can be greatful for those road marks and keep on moving. towards whatever lies ahead, whatever might come across our paths. the road is long, and there is no reason to stall forever. we are all going to make it. :)
people on the outside of the situation tell you to let go. they tell you to just move on. they tell you : you are better than that. you don't deserve to be treated that way. we've all heard, its a common response. and we are expected to believe it is as simple is that - to just let go of the people you care about. your boyfriend or girlfriend, the one you have loved for the past three years. the girl or boy, the friend who has been there through thick and thin. the cousin or the aunt or the sibling, the family member who has stood by your side. all the ones who once made up your heart, your soul, your everything. people on the outside tell you to get over it. they tell you, you'll find someone new. they tell you people can be replaced. maybe its because they think that's what you want to hear - that hearing those words makes it easier, or at least cements into your brain that its not worth your tears. not worth your time. not worth your pain. not worth your worry and your heartache. but maybe they are wrong. maybe those are the completely wrong words.
maybe what we need to hear is : it is going to be hard. it is going to take time. and you might not ever get over it. because when you love someone, when you care about someone - you give them a piece of who you are. you give them pieces of your heart. because real friendships, real relationships are all about giving everything you have. and no matter how much time passes, no matter how much you heal from it, there is always a part of you that you will never get back. because in any relationship, there is give and take. and when its over, you can't just take back all that you have given - especially when its not tangible. so when a relationship ends you lose a part of yourself. and it hurts. you are parting with a piece of who you are, and what will always be a part of you. relationships, friendships, acquaintances - they shape you. they make you. they allow you to grow. they teach you. and part of that process comes with losing those connections. and its not easy. and it will never be easy. no matter how many times it happens, it won't stop hurting. because you are a human being. you have feelings. you have needs. and you have expectations. and when someone disappoints you, when someone leaves your life - you're going to fall before you learn from it. you are going to cry before you talk about it. you are going to get mad before you appreciate all the good things that came from it. its natural, and its going to happen that way. so don't push it aside, don't just move on. take your time - work through it. and accept that you might not ever get over it completely.
losing a friend hurts. (just like a significant other). and its hard to stop putting effort into a relationship that has existed for so long. that's the hardest part for me - because i fight for my friendships. i give them everything i have. honestly, a lot of the friendships i do have i believe exist because i have been the one to fuel the fire a majority of the time. because sometimes that's what it takes. you have to fight for the relationships that mean something to you. because when you give up, they die. but there comes a point when the fighting has to stop. and that's where i'm at. i don't want to just give up. i don't want to give in and accept losing someone i care about. but a relationship takes two people. and while one can fight, the other has to respond. if they don't... then one day, you wake up and you realize that its time to leave it be. maybe, someday, they will come back. maybe someday they will realize on their own that they miss you - but until then, sometimes you have to stop pushing. i have to stop pushing. i have to stop caring. i have to stop worrying about what i did wrong, or what i should have done to change it. i have done all i can. and i have to be okay with that. i have to appreciate the friendships i still have. the ones who really are there still. i have to realize i'm not alone. i have to realize i'm going to be okay.
we are all going to be okay. every lost relationship is just a bump. just a learning curve on the road of life. some are more memorable than others. some cause greater impact than the rest. but they are all a part of our journey. and no matter how many miles seperate us from them, there is no changing that. so we can be greatful for those road marks and keep on moving. towards whatever lies ahead, whatever might come across our paths. the road is long, and there is no reason to stall forever. we are all going to make it. :)
March 03, 2009
Colors of Death
Green curtains frame the bay window,
the light from the sunrise dim.
Purples and reds bleed into
the landscape, grass brown and dead.
From the oven - fumes of apple pie,
sweet combining with the toxic.
She walks into the kitchen, smile freezing,
the sight before her taking control.
He lies on the floor, face blue,
eyes closed, mouth open – no breath.
The Heimlich does not save him,
her efforts lost as the sun rises
into the clouds, her brother’s body
cold in her arms. And the day,
despite its new beginning, has ended.
The apple pie burns in the steel gray oven,
while the sirens grow louder and
her legs go numb on the black linoleum.
Tomorrow the sun will rise again,
colors mourning in grays and blues.
[one of the poems from my final poetry project]
the light from the sunrise dim.
Purples and reds bleed into
the landscape, grass brown and dead.
From the oven - fumes of apple pie,
sweet combining with the toxic.
She walks into the kitchen, smile freezing,
the sight before her taking control.
He lies on the floor, face blue,
eyes closed, mouth open – no breath.
The Heimlich does not save him,
her efforts lost as the sun rises
into the clouds, her brother’s body
cold in her arms. And the day,
despite its new beginning, has ended.
The apple pie burns in the steel gray oven,
while the sirens grow louder and
her legs go numb on the black linoleum.
Tomorrow the sun will rise again,
colors mourning in grays and blues.
[one of the poems from my final poetry project]
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